Year 4, April 19th, 2019: Identity Crisis

This is a separate blog post from our normal family day to day posts.  Sometimes I add these more philosophical posts in between the family posts because something is weighing on my heart, or I want to mark an important "aha" moment in our/my life. Feel free to read all my Facebook statuses I wrote below, which I included because I think I did have some clear communication of how I was feeling, especially on Friday, Good Friday. Basically, over the last few years, I've had an identity crisis in spiritual life especially.  I've wrestled with my beliefs.  I've wrestled with who I am in Christ.  I have not wrestled with my personality or what my purpose is in this season as much, but it's more of a honing in on how to use what I already know about myself for my current season.  I've had to resettle and find my niche again here, in Indiana, with new social groups.  And now, I'm trying to process this whole transition thing.  For 20 years I've had the role of a pastor's daughter in law.  And then for four years I had the role of a president of a college's wife.  There's certain expectations of both of those leadership roles and I took pride in doing my part.  Like I've written about below, I tried not to let it go to my head, but I also enjoyed being a minor "celebrity."  At times, I've hated it, too.  It has to deal with wanting to be "known, valued, and loved."  And I've relied heavily on the men's positions to get my foot in the door on certain relationships.  Not that I pulled that card, but what I mean is that I would follow them around like a puppy dog and listen in to the conversation.  I will still do some of that, but it won't be as obvious. 

What I really mean is that my identity and my role has shifted.  And I don't know that many people realize how much the wife/daughter in law is a part of the ministry.  Because the husband/wife are one team, it affects us both.  And when your whole family is immersed into the culture of being in full time ministry (and there is a culture about it, believe me, just like there's a culture surrounding any sport or major job category), there's certain dynamics that the congregants don't understand.  One of them is just how precious family time is and how a great pastor will draw boundaries (and how some will sacrifice that family time too much for the good of the ministry).  One of them is that paid full time ministers need, I would suggest, even more grace than others.  We sin just as much as anyone else.  Our children misbehave just as much as someone else's kids.  So why do we make such a big deal when a church leader falls from their sin of adultery or of a pastor's child who committed suicide or who is involved in a teen pregnancy?  Because Scripture calls leaders to be "above approach."  And yet we take that to the extreme sometimes and forget that we are human.  I am human.  I like fame and fortune.  I like being a person of influence.  And I am upset when I feel the guilt and shame of my kids not behaving properly in public and setting a good example for others.  There's a stigma around pastor's (and homeschooling) families.  I'm here to break it! I wrestle with my identity and my place in the church and the world.  I want to support and love on the new pastor and his wife, and yet, there are things I'm jealous of about them.  Mostly petty things not worth mentioning here. 

So I hope I have debunked some myths about ministry families, transitions, and my own journey through it all.  There's still much more processing I have to do, much more rearranging of roles and settling down to fully embrace and flesh out those roles.  I'm confident I will get there because yesterday, after posting those Facebook statuses, I received some incredible encouraging responses, one being to remember what my most important role is, being a Daughter of the King.  I was able to sit with my grief most of the day, so that by the time I did go to church Friday evening, I wasn't as emotional as I had feared I would be.  The service was a little different and beautiful.  They played songs that weren't triggers for me, but were enjoyable and meaningful.  The sermon was good and expected.  (Dare I say even ever so slightly disappointing because it was pretty basic? Which is different than what I thought it would be.)  So, I walked out of there upbeat and joyful.  Not over the moon joyful, but feeling better.  At peace with the day.  I fully expect more emotions in the next two weeks.  Thanks for sticking it out with me.

Read on if you want the more blow by blow version of my feelings that day.

My Facebook statuses about this weekend:

Thursday evening:

I'll admit it. I haven't put much thought into Easter itself this year. I'm just kind of going through the motions. Maybe because we talk about the Resurrection year round. But mostly, it's because of Gary's transition. So, just keep thinking of us and praying for us, not to stop feeling sad, but just to have the strength to see this through. It's just weird. 20 years of listening to Gary preaching as senior minister/lead servant at Indian Creek is coming to a close tomorrow evening. It's just plain weird. It's so hard to describe the feelings I have. And you all know I can wax poetic about my emotions and mental state. And it's Easter, and I know who the focus should be on, Jesus. Sigh. I know it doesn't make me a bad Christian to not be focusing on Jesus this weekend, but does make me human. It's just weird. And I want to cry. I don't like when things come to an end. I don't like change. And I don't like not knowing how I feel about something, or rather not knowing how I'm going to react. But, I do know, that God has us here for many reasons, including this. I wouldn't want to be far away for such a momentous occasion. So, if I look sad and upset, that's why. Jesus and God know my heart and that I'm thankful for the Resurrection. We celebrate that every day. And Easter is always weird with all the different services and everyone in our family being at church for them, so we don't have time to party, although we do have a big dinner planned for Sunday. I'm just not into doing the Easter egg hunt thing, or even dressing up because we are going Friday night, and it's going to be cold and rainy. I'm weird, I know. And next year, we can focus a bit more on Jesus and Easter things, like resurrection gardens, and the Holy Week stories. The older kids know them by heart and Abishai is barely old enough to understand, although he's enjoying the resurrection eggs set we have had for years. And I'm grateful to our Kidustrial Park teams that do help us teach the kids their Bible lessons. I am grateful that they tell the Bible stories and we can follow up at home, and we do. So, that's my story. I'm sad. I don't feel like celebrating Easter in the traditional ways this year. And I'm ok with that. Because my God is a gracious God and an understanding God. And I'm just a mere human. And I am grateful for that.

Not only is Gary transitioning on the 28th, but 9 yrs ago on the 29th, my mom made her journey to heaven. AND in that last week of April, 3 yrs ago, in 2016, Jared was terminated from his job at MCC on PEI, in Canada. It’s just a rough time of year in general. Not to complain or make excuses, but I’m feeling a heavy burden of sorrow this year in ways I haven’t felt before. I hope I’m not alone. And I know that I’m not alone. I just wish certain extended family members were here from both sides of the family. In that way, I am alone. So I only have 1 choice and that’s to be on my knees in the valley, weeping, and listening for the whisper of God. He’s there somewhere isn’t he? I hope so because the grief is heavy. Praying for all the Easter services everywhere especially for those that volunteer and plan extra special things and for those that only come on Christmas end Easter to really listen to the Good News this time. Let’s see how God moves this weekend, shall we? G’night.

Friday before service:

This is purely selfish and prideful and I’ve already repented, but it’s still going to affect me. I’m losing part of my identity in this transition. No matter how hard I’ve tried to be humble about it, been mad about it, sometimes hid it so I could be my own person, I’ve enjoyed my status as the senior pastor’s daughter in law. I have felt like somebody special because I was easily recognized, like a minor celebrity. Purely prideful. And I repent of that. But I am still grieving this part of my identity that has been part of my DNA for almost 20 yrs. I’m sure no one else in my immediate family feels that way and some are glad to be rid of that burden of being in the spotlight.  I know I don't always like the spotlight either.  I’m a very prideful person.  ButI want to be honest in why I’m upset. And I know some of you appreciate my honesty. Thank you for forgiving me and letting me share. And yes, I’d prefer the whole world to know instead of people assuming the wrong things, which is one of my biggest pet peeves.  Never assume someone else's reasons for their emotions. Now that that’s out of the way, it’s time to celebrate the fact that I am forgiven because of what Jesus did for me. He was beaten and executed for my prideful self. And then God raised Him and me to new life and restored my relationship with Him. That is what it’s really about. So go, celebrate our Risen Lord. Amen.
  
Friday, in response to someone asking about how do I cope with it, from the last post:

I grieve by writing about it and move on. Time does heal things somewhat. I also have a counselor too. And I have to keep working on finding my own niche, and I’m well on my way with that. It’s taken 3 yrs but I’m making progress. I finally feel settled here. April is a hard month for me in general because my mom died on April 29, 2010 and we received the termination letter from the Canada job the last week of April 2016. And I’ll probably cry remembering that even without this particular Easter transition.  But ther's hope.  I wouldn’t see my parents again in heaven, or rather they wouldn’t be in Heaven if there wasn't the hope of the resurrection. And my sister in law’s mother as well who died this past December. Life is short, Heaven is for eternity. I grieve, I sit with the emotions, and over time, I process them, and they become less influential. Sometimes they come back like they are today. And that’s normal and ok. The bitterness I’ve had in the past has definitely waned and it’s more of a sadness. My goals in sharing this is to minister to those feeling the same things. You are not alone. Christians don’t have it all together. You don’t have to put on a mask. There’s grace for being a human with human feelings, and even more grace for those in leadership positions. Many Biblical characters wept and questioned God. They processed it, asked for forgiveness, and praised God when they were through it. Job, David, Solomon, even Jesus. But how does David usually end a Psalm after he has talked about how his enemies have mistreated him? He gives it to God and praises God for who He is. And David was a man after God’s own heart.  These are the things that remind me not to feel guilty and ashamed because if David can still be favored by God, even with his disobedience and sadness and whining, then so can I.  I then do not stay there in the grief, but take the next right baby step back into reality, aka hungry babies that need clean clothes and homeschooled. It’s something I learned 9 yrs ago. Place the grief in a box to deal with later THAT day after the current family’s immediate needs are somewhat met. Then pull the grief back down and deal with it. Don’t leave it up there for years. There’s a time and place for every emotion, just as Solomon said. A time to rejoice and a time to grieve. And most won’t understand my grief in this particular season of transition and that’s ok! I’m unique and different things bother me than what other folks find bothersome. I’m ok with that. So I share all this in the hopes that it helps others, ministers' wives especially, people who have lost a loved one, and those with anxiety or are lost. That’s always my goal and God given purpose, to educate and help others. Thanks for reading.