Year 5, January 27th-30th, 2020: Ebbs and Flows

It was a normal Monday. Having choir on Monday afternoons means I don't get read alouds done on Mondays anymore, so that's pushed off to either doubling up on Tuesdays or making sure I get to them on Wednesday and Thursday. Fridays are also hard to do read alouds with Keturah or go in depth on assignments with Justin. And that's ok. At this point, they are doing a lot of the learning and reading on their own. We go over math every day and I check in with them every day. They aren't exactly self paced yet though. I would love to give them assignments and say "Due by Friday" but then I would still have to check in on them. It's something I need to remember to work towards, especially with Justin. But, that's not where we are at right now. So, as typical, they went off to do their schoolwork and Abishai and I had playtime. I actually didn't set any goals yesterday for today or the week. I will be more intentional about it tonight. And I didn't feel panicked by it because we had worked hard on Saturday and we were all busy most of the day on Sunday. And, I knew going out always takes a lot of energy for me, so, I just took it easy.

Since Abishai was wanting Mommy time last night, I figured he needed it this morning, too. I showed him his preschool workbooks, but he wasn't interested in them at the moment. And now, looking at them again, they would be perfect to start with. They are different ones than I was thinking of and still have, so I might keep offering to them to him. I got a message from a mom with a boy his age asking if it's ok that the boy would perform his letters for Grandma but would be silly and goof off for just her and I said, "Oh yes! Abishai has been doing that SAME THING the last few days!" It's a waiting game since no one says they have to be reading by a certain age. We don't need to push it at 4 and 5 yrs old. As we approach 7, perhaps, but most kids are somewhat interested in reading before hand (the average kid that doesn't have actual learning difficulties). It's better to cultivate a love of learning rather than do it by force. If they don't want to do anything after gentle prodding when they do turn 7, then you have an obedience problem. Anyway, my point is, I'm trying to take the gentler approach because there are young kids who want to learn to read and write but none of my kids have been that way. We started them at 5. Abishai will be 5 1/2. Slow and steady and perhaps more fun. That's my goal. Anyway, we will see how it turns out. He is starting to say that "Mommy will teach me to read soon." He's just grown up in a household of homework grumblers. We will have to approach it different verbage and I'll have to be a little more "here, do what I'm doing" with it. But for now, playing and thinking about it is good.

Choir went fine and we got some great conversations going among the adults and younger siblings. So much so that the choir director had to kick us out. But that felt good to reassure the newer homeschool moms. It's amazing to me how many new homeschoolers there are! I guess I'm right in the middle of our homeschooling years, so that makes sense. Same goes for parenting too. It's a weird but good place to be in. And it always lifts my spirits when I can help others. And since others gave me words of encouragement and hugs yesterday, my cup was full and I was able to be in a good mood and pour it out again. See how that works? Yup. Just like I said last night with Abishai, his social cup was overflowing! And he was so jazzed up that he didn't think he could fall asleep! Extrovert!

Speaking of, after another reminder in the sermon yesterday to "get out there and talk about Jesus" I was a bit frustrated and had hoped that our pastor would at least take into consideration that when he expands upon that part of the new mantra, that he addresses the fact that not everyone wants to or can or should "walk over to the next cubicle and connect people to Christ." What does that look like to a person who has literally been trying to do that for 20 years, working against her personality, just because that is how evangelism is defined? Well, let's try a different approach and definition of evangelism or at least paint a clearer picture. I don't disagree that we are all ambassadors for Christ. But not all are evangelistic in nature. Not everyone can strike up a conversation like that. But I was basically told to get out of my comfort zone. Um, yeah, thanks, been trying that for 20 years. I don't think that's why God has us where he has us. I'm often outside of my comfort zone just in the social circles I'm in, which are almost always Christians, and a lot of the time, homeschoolers. Ouch. That hurt.

Here is a post I wrote about it (no need to reinvent the wheel here):
Original post:
For those who struggle when evangelism is talked about in church circles, I would highly recommend reading the evangelism chapter in this book. The whole book is incredibly helpful and insightful. It has helped me not feel so guilty about not jumping into every opportunity that is presented. Not everyone was designed to be at the forefront. There are different ways to be evangelistic without walking up to strangers. It is something I have struggled with for 20 years. It’s time to redefine what it means to be an introverted evangelist.

(Here's a link to the book that everyone should read.)
Introverts in the Church

A further response, not really to any particular person, but when I had more time to post about it.
Under that first post:
 I need to reread it. I haven’t read many self help kind of books in the last 8 yrs, but I’m glad I did read this one. It eased my spirit and helped me realize it’s ok to not always be out there on the front lines. The tension I was and still am feeling is a real thing. And it’s ok. Tension is ok and so is being an introvert in church or the culture at large. Because, let’s face it, sometimes it feels like the louder people are praised for their successes while those who conquer mountains in the quieter spaces are never seen or acknowledged. I’m happiest when I’m helping other people that are fairly similar to me. I relate easier and can help them faster, like I did with some newer and younger homeschoolers today, who are all Christians. Being surrounded by ministers, sometimes I feel like there are too many of us talking to the church, but that’s not reality. It just feels that way to me bc I’ve been in my Christian bubble my whole life. We are not called to a comfortable life but I believe working totally against your personality is also wrong. God created introverts for a reason, just like he created enneagram 6’s, the fearful ones, to take care of the details and think through the consequences of decisions and be prepared for disasters. So I try to ignore the call to “walk across the building to talk to the next person in a cubicle about Christ.” Or even our physical neighbors. Jared and I have always struggled to reach out. But once the initial contact has been made and ice broken, we can follow up and support relationships. And I just want others to not feel guilty and ashamed that they aren’t the ones introducing others to Christ. It is a spiritual gift. You can be a part of someone’s journey and water the seed, maybe plant the seed, but more often than not, you aren’t there when the decision is made. I just wish this was clearer in church circles. Community outreach is great. But not all are called to participate in the way that is taught. So I’m hoping in the coming weeks, that is made very clear. Benaiah has the gift of influence and evangelism and has had that from an early age. Abishai has a huge heart and is very extroverted and will most likely end up like Gary. My middles are just like us and will have supporting roles. Anyway, just my thoughts from years of struggling with my role in the social circles I find myself in. Most of the time I don’t want to talk to cashiers, ok? I smile and be kind. That’s it. And I serve the church and homeschool (not all are Christians) community. And I have plenty of challenges and times that are outside my comfort zone. Acceptance of who we are is a great thing. The end.
(end of post)

I did actually reread that to make sure it was clear and it was, thank goodness. So much of my spiritual walk has been out of fear and guilt and shame. I simply don't take things every pastor's word for it anymore. I question a lot more than I used to. I think outside of my upbringing and legalistic tendencies. Don't tell me what I already know you are going to say. Don't give me the cheap Christian answer. And yes, 95% of the audience probably needs to hear it said the way it is preached. I have a different need and a different story. I need to find some good resources for someone in my situation that aren't by progressive Christians that have had an "awakening" or whatever. I don't want to shake off everything I've been taught, but tweak it a little to be clearer in my own mind through the lens of my own experiences that maybe others understand a whole lot quicker than I have or perhaps they aren't an Enneagram 6 and never gave it another thought. Perhaps I truly live in a Christian bubble world. But this much I know: I'm more comfortable with who I am now, (at my core, not the habits that need to change), than I ever have been. I apologize less and less, and I'm actually less arrogant, too. I'm more confident and can put my foot down, but I'm still teachable, you just have to prove your point better.  I'm assertive, not a bully. If I can't do something your way or I'm deeply uncomfortable with it, I listen to my gut, or rather the Holy Spirit.

Anyway, it was a very compare and contrast "how you approach Melinda" kind of day yesterday. I just didn't put it all into words until today when I had heard back from our pastor about my thoughts and the book I shared. Basically, I felt like he gave a very pat answer, where as the other guy in the afternoon, actually saw me as intelligent and had more grace and understanding because he's had a somewhat similar experience. I wrote him as well to encourage him that how he approached me and the others was exactly the way we needed to be approached and he appreciated the encouragement. I think people in leadership are sent so many more negative emails than they are sent encouraging ones. So I try to send a message when I do actually notice something right like that. Maybe I should approach my kids like that more often...eeek, I just called myself out! Moving on....

Finished the day with stopping at Michael's craft store and Aldi's. Moneys are low but we needed a couple of things. We are seeing how low the gas tanks can go before payday. Yup. So just a few things. Dinner, school with Justin, computer time, bedtime.

Finally! Instead of shooing him away, Justin actually included Abishai in what he was doing. Justin used to be very good at taking time to engage with Abishai, but I think the pressure from his schoolwork and him starting the separation process away from family has prevented the bonding. I try not to interrupt those moments or get mad when schoolwork isn't done because of them. I DO get mad when he's on his phone though instead of studying!

Oldie but goodie. I think I have this in the computer folder of pictures I need to print out for Benaiah's graduation open house, but I wanted to be sure. Keturah is 7 months old and Benaiah is 7 1/2 yrs old in this picture. Gosh, only 7 1/2? Time flies!

Well, it's time to part with this girl. We've been making memories with her for exactly 8 years. She's made 3 trips to PEI and back at 1,600 miles each. A few trips to NH so we could fly back to Indiana. Numerous trips to New Orleans and Michigan. Four years of dealing with the sand and salt and snow on PEI. We got her when she had less than 50,000 miles on her. Now she's above 150,000. I don't know what the average person drives in miles per year, but that is 12,500 miles per year for us, 34 miles per day. Sounds fair. But my oh my is she dirty inside. Trash wasn't too bad, but we never had her steam cleaned and the ground in dirt on the gray interior is horrendous. I tried to vacuum and clean her about twice per year. But four kids and lots of activity, yeah, we are hard on our vehicles. I enjoyed having an Odyssey because it was extremely roomy. Our new van, which, whoops, I haven't talked about nor shown yet, is a a basic Dodge Caravan, actually a year older than our Honda, and is pretty clean with only 50,000 miles on it. Plus it has a tape deck! And the far back windows open! But it is noticeably smaller.  Bummer. We're already looking into storage solutions for long road trips. I grew up with Dodge Caravans. I knew our Odyssey was bigger.

I've tried to be very unemotional this time. We made the decision to start looking for a new vehicle right before Christmas so I had my mind on other things. And the new vehicle did fall into our lap in a very timely manner. But, if I start reflecting on how and when we got this Honda and how it's the only vehicle that Abishai has really ever known, the vehicle he came home from the hospital in, the vehicle we took to our beloved PEI, yeah, I get teary eyed. It's a car. I know that. But I think it's one of the ones we've had the longest. I think the red truck was longer because the loan was for like 11 years or something and we paid it off. Maybe someone will fix her up. Maybe they will just use her for parts. She's being sold/given to a mechanic who will sell it on an online auction. I took a lot of pictures today, although it looked quite different being empty. I was able to peel off the PEI inspection sticker we've left on there, and the decal that Leah put on it way before that when it was her vehicle. But, she's done. Time to move on. Sigh.

Jared is driving the other van for the foreseeable future because of his back. I could have taken pictures of it while it sat in the driveway these last couple of weeks but didn't think about it because it's so cold right now. And now that it's finally registered, Jared's driving it. Again, I love having a van at my disposal but right now, it's best for Jared's back and I don't need that much room for every day trips now that Benaiah is driving. We had a car and 3 kids in backseat for 4 years and did just fine before getting the van. I'm used to the car now, so it's working out fine. Plus, I have the 6 cd changer in my car, lol. Now, if I could just keep it cleaner than the gray van, that would be nice. The kids are older now so hopefully, they won't kick around as much. Abishai's pretty good about not putting his dirty shoes on seats anyway. And the interior is a darker gray and hides stains better, too. Onward and upwards!

Well, hello aloe leaf! I was watering the aloe plant in our room and this massive guy fell off! The leaves are very fully and juicy, so I'm not surprised. So, not to be wasteful, I ate a lot of the inside of the leaf. It has a pretty neutral taste, a bit slimey, but almost like a kiwi texture.

Then I used some on this bad boy and the rest of my arms which feel so smooth right now.  I was lathering up the aloe on my arms exlaiming, "Look at me! Look at how 'crunch mama' I am right now using aloe directly from the plant! No bottle needed!" Lol, anyway, aloe is pretty watery, but it's a touch sticky so you should let it dry for a few seconds before pulling your sleeve down. I put some on Keturah's scrape on her thigh from slipping on ice yesterday trying to beat Justin to Grandma's car. I guess it was a comical sight.

Yes, time for an update. It's been 5 months. It hasn't changed much in 3 months. It's still itchy from time to time. It still is sore when you press on it and rub it because of the internal stitches. It still looks ugly. It is what it is. I don't try to cover it up, but I'm not happy with how it looks either. It makes me want to cry sometimes to be honest. I think it's the scars from the external stitches that bother me the most. It's hard to look at.

At Aldi's, they had gluten free cauliflower pizza AND their version of the Everything Bagel Seasoning! Everybody raves about the name brand version of this season and when Aldi's brought their version to the store a few weeks ago, everybody was talking about it again. So, I HAD to try it, right? Well, I'm down for it. I'm not like "oh wow I love it" but it's decent. It's got garlic, onion, salt, sesame seeds, and poppy seeds. Actually, I was surprised that that's all it is. Ok, then. We'll see how it tastes on avocados. The pizza itself tasted like normal pizza because they used rice flour with the cauliflower. So, it was a a little gimicky. Oh well. Better than the other frozen gluten free pizza Aldis' has.

This is the back of the cauliflower pizza. 34g of carbs.

This is the back of the regular pizza I buy for the kids. 42g of carbs. Not much different, so not necessarily healthier. But, I scored today because every fresh pizza and breadsticks were 50 cents off! Keturah and Abishai like the cheesy breadsticks.

Oh goodness. I don't know what is with me. My emotions and thoughts are just all over the place. I could not fall asleep last night and started coughing because of the dry air, so I slept on the couch. Poor Jared, he never knows if I'm mad it at him or what when I do that. Praise God that 99% of time I'm NOT mad and I'm trying to let him get better sleep. Thankfully, I sleep well on the green couch, so I run the space heater to keep the room warm because SOMEBODY still has all the little blankets. Ahem. Jared still starts his night out with his big blanket roll but he's able to now push that to the floor halfway though the night, praise the Lord. He's still taking some pain meds, and furstrated by that, but I think he's still optimistic that the different kinds of pains in new places are just things shifting back to where they should be. He's going to all his chiropractor appointments, so that's helpful. He still doesn't sleep quite through the night yet, so he is very tired. But he's my faithful guy who gets up anyway and does what he needs to do.

Meanwhile, I was determined to get in gear today and not rush or push like I did on Saturday, but stop procrastinating on some things and get them off my list. Things like put the new mattress cover on and call a vacuum cleaner place to see if they will take the old vacuums to rehab or recycle. Yeah, silly things like that. And my piano student needs new books, yeah! She's not proficient, but she understands theory, so I'm trying to plug her along. She would be so much better if she practices though. She sight reads fairly well.  So we keep going. Now, my own kids, oh my goodness. Justin keeps trying to learn songs by writing down note names instead of actually reading music. I NEED to work with him on it. It's driving me crazy! Keturah is learning some theory and definitely some vocal skills at choir, and that's exactly what I wanted from it. I would like her to be able to read music, so depending on how far we go with it, I might have to follow up, but we'll see.

I also tried to figure out that mysterious tea again because Justin was having a cup of tea that I thought was similar. But I had it too close to my first cup of the day and got that "too much caffeine at once" notice from my body. So I didn't feel great for a bit, but I recovered. I pulled out a workbook for Abishai, and we just worked on figuring out how I would help him to right since he's a leftie and I'm a rightie. I think it will be ok. But he wanted to scribble and not write straight lines. Oh, he did show me his A and he tried to write a B. I saw a friend with a 4 yr old having her daughter do some tracing and doing so well and it kind of made me a little jealous because I'm not great at pulling out that kind of stuff. So, perhaps I will and see if he'll trace some things.  But I also don't want him to learn the wrong way, too. And again, it's going to be more difficult because the strokes will feel different for him than they do for me. Hm,...time to hit up the IAHE discussion page!

Both Keturah and Justin did their full load of work, after I kept pulling them apart and telling them to stay away from each other. It's like WW3 every time they are in the same room! Ah! But we survived the day. Then I was off to a parent meeting for the Senior class at Southside and Jared was to Bible study. The parent meeting was ok. Just some random stuff that to be honest, could have been done via email. But things were said that were really triggering to me and put me in a tail spin. I was at a high talking to homeschoolers yesterday, and then boom, I was reminded again as to why I still don't like it that we had to put Benaiah in school. I talked to him about it, and he said he wouldn't have gained the social skills if he didn't go to school and he couldn't learn at home. That is true. However, I don't think you have to live through the drama to understand some of it. But academically, it has sucked. Benaiah is not where I had hoped he would be. And his classmates suck. Hopefully it's a better experience for other classes, but I can't wait to be done with the school. The teachers and administration try very hard, but the whole situation is disappointing to me. I'm so grateful that we aren't in the same situation with the others. Public or private school is not an option for us. There's far more other opportunities than that in our area. I think I did needed to be reminded about why we homeschool, especially with the two that fight constantly. So now that I'm past the angry moments, I can regain my resolve to make homeschooling work for each of the others, however that might look like. Benaiah's right when he says I think that homeschooling is the only way and it's God ordained. I do think that most of the time. I have to hold my tongue with most people, but yes, there is nothing I'd rather be doing than being home with my children and educating them my way. The end.

Today was Benaiah and Ava's one year dating anniversary, woot, woot! Ava had archery practice and also didn't feel great, so they ended up with take out and at our house again. She went home around 9. Just because the calendar says it's a special day, doesn't mean you have to make it super special on that exact day if you don't feel good. Celebrate it another time. I think they had two great date nights over the weekend, so I think that makes up for it. Benaiah had specifically taken today off from work for it though. And then they didn't schedule him for Thursday or Friday so he was going to have a very short work week. Which means a smaller paycheck. Which means, stop going on expensive date nights. He did get to pick up a shift for Thursday though, so that's good. Someone got fired or something. It happens. I'm just glad he picked up an extra shift because of it.

So, I'm emotionally drained. It's a good thing it's a light week for appointments. But as we approach February, those will pick up again. Lots of follow up appointments for Keturah and me, and tooth extraction consultation for Benaiah and I. Fun times!

Check this out! The hallway is finally clear! Woot! Woot! Those book boxes had been there for probably two years? Feels kind of empty and strange now though. Jared took some of the books to the office and told me to throw away the rest. Well, not all of them are being thrown away, but that's a different story. He also put away all the food the other night, including finding containers for them, so that was super helpful and not something he normally does.

Benaiah's anniversary gift to Ava. The materials were super expensive, $50, but I might split the cost with him if I get to keep the extra paint, tape, and brushes.

There is now way this kid would last in school. No way. He'd be labeled and medicated.

A "just because you're having a rough day" gift I found stuck in my car door handle when I finally looked outside today. I bet Jared put it there sometime during the morning because I saw a charge on our bank account then. I didn't look until about 5pm. Sweet.

Ooo, caught playing nicely!  Daddy said Abishai there a huge fit when he only got to play with him for a few minutes before leaving for Bible study. Poor little extrovert. So he got to watch some Captain America instead.

Ahem. Benaiah said it's because he forgets to check mark his name on the list or something. He says he's leaving it in his truck from now on. Which, actually isn't wise because it's expensive and the truck can be broken into pretty easily. Sigh.

I told Daddy to hurry home before little man ate all his pretzel rods and tooted in our clean sheets 20 more times.  Abishai's favorite snack now is the pretzel roads. He doesn't eat as much animal crackers or vanilla wafers. I think we are phasing those out. Sigh. He's growing up.

Benaiah peeled off the painter's tape and did the touch up work tonight. He wrote a note on the backside for her in pen.  Benaiah isn't very artistic, so for him to come up with this on his own is great. Obviously, he's learned some skills when he's been backstage at church, but I am proud of him for trying something like this. Just like his dad. At least they try.  Happy 1st Dating Anniversary, Benaiah and Ava!  Here's to many more!

Wednesday was a bit calmer emotionally, but I definitely felt a bit mentally exhausted. I pulled through and tried to stay on top of things. I didn't conquer much on the to do list, but I didn't have much to do in the place that has exact deadlines. That will change when I start tackling the taxes this weekend. We got school done without too much fuss. About mid day when Abishai was asking for attention for the upteenth time, I thought and then said to him, "How about you and I go to the Children's Museum tomorrow, just the two of us?" I can leave the other two at home and we can go off and play. That way they can still do school and they won't whine about getting home to do school. It will fill Abishai's need for people and since I don't have anything else at all tomorrow, I wouldn't feel rushed. The only thing is, Jared has to meet us there because I never got the access pass last summer. Yeah, we never made it to the museum at Christmas time. Oh well. I said I wanted the kids to read everything at the museum, but it's not a high priority anymore. It'll just be an Abishai and Mommy date. I'll have Daddy and Grandma check in on the kids, too, of course. I'll bring a book to read and my big camera and work on some photo skills. It will feel just like it did when Benaiah was little. Well, not quite, I still had Justin with us. Point is, I can pretend I only have a preschooler and not crazy emotional teenagers, lol. It will be fun!

Meanwhile, I had to keep reminding Justin today that it's ok if he spends an hour on each school subject because his peers do and colleges do. And it's ok if a curriculum just says "study the text for your quiz" and doesn't give you a study guide. It's Spanish, you have to memorize ALL the Spanish words they threw at you. Yes it's a lot of vocab. No, they don't have a good vocab list. I have to look in the teacher's guides to see if they do. But in the meantime, take the text and read it over and over. The real world doesn't have black and white answers that you put on a test. We teach to mastery anyway over here. Clarify the assignment, but at the same time, you have to make your own leap and conclude what is best to understand and know the material. That's part of self learning. Oh, and I know he's feeling pressure to do his own projects. However, he doesn't start school until 10. He did school for 4 1/2 hrs today. That put him right up to his magic hour of "my friends get on to play video games at 3pm every day." And then he had small group. So, get up earlier. He has a regular alarm clock and I would probably let him have his phone at this point. So does Keturah. She also has an alarm clock. And I just need to stop being the nice mom and get them up when I do. I've been getting up around 8:30, and then start poking them at 9. I need to be more on top of it. Because then I wait around waiting for them to be ready for me. And when I don't have a project due, I don't get much accomplished. Sigh. We've got to adjust these routines!

Wednesday night is small group night, which I like. We had one more lady join our Bible study tonight, another neighbor, and it went well. We had lots to talk about. I didn't bring up my frustrations with Sunday's sermon, which tied into our book's lesson, because I didn't want to taint anyone else's perspective. Plus Jared had tried to talk to me about it through text and we aren't on the same page at all. I kept it together and listened and contributed other parts of the chapter. The other women didn't think this chapter hit home as much as the other chapters, so I pulled out some information that I thought was interesting, mostly background information about Abraham. We did talk about the 317 a bit and sermons and changes, etc. It's helpful to hear that from them, that I'm not alone with it, and we all know and have a heart for our church and trust the leadership, and most of our "problems" with anything is personal and comes with an understanding that they are minor annoyances and not something that needs to be changed just to make us happy. Discussion is helpful, gossip is not. We don't stay too long on those topics, thank goodness. Despite my hesitations, I reassured them that I trust our elders because I've known a lot of them for many, many years and they have been at the helm for many of those years and have been vetted and take their time in making decisions. I can trust that the staff our age don't make decisions on their own or out of lack of experience because they are backed by the elders. I would be a lot less trusting without those elders there.  I think I was actually preaching to myself when I said that. I'll just play my passive aggressive game now because the aggressive path didn't end well. I'll wait and see what God has in store.

I came home to loud noises coming out the front door only to find that Abishai was into some "mission" with Daddy to get Justin. Abishai's games and missions and imagination is what I had wished for the other kids but I was unable to really give them from myself. I know Abishai learns them from YouTube. Again, bittersweet, but I'd rather he have that kind of good influence rather than a lack of it because of my limitations. Ouch, I could apply that to other things. Eek! Anyway, little guy didn't want to go to bed again because he thinks he will miss out on things. He kept saying, "I love you, Mommy, so much!" all day long! And attached to my hip. I'm loving it and milking it. I'm not sure where he's getting that or that it just comes more naturally to him than it did the others. Or we finally became decent parents and encouraged it all along. Who knows. Each kids' childhood will look different anyway. I don't think it's a bad thing. If he didn't seek us out, I think he would miss out on attention, so I welcome it.

That's it. Perhaps I'll publish this and just have a blog post just for tomorrow's fun. We'll see!

Interesting. This is from the Royal Family Instagram Account. Matthew West is a Christian singer who literally wrote a song with that title, "Hello, My name is" and had a campaign with people filling in that blank.

Jared said this was sent in an email to the college's email list. Quite an interesting development. Not sure how we feel about it, so we will leave it as it is. My fear is that MCC will eventually fold. It's obviously not filling the need of producing ministry leaders right now. I'm interested to see what the new initiatives are.

I told him he could lay down and wait for me next to the bathroom door while I showered. I came out of the bathroom to see this set up, lol. I gues he got bored waiting.

Look, Mom, all my guys have beds made of Jenga blocks!

Always making police stations and jail cells.

"Gotta go on a mission. Mom, you stay here and protect the room from bad guys. Use whatever weapon you can find!"

Once upon a time, 7 years ago, our middles actually liked each other.  Someday they will like each other again, someday.

Well, hello there, dear brother, would you like to share? Lol. Paul-Mikael, my brother who is 6 years younger than me, is seeing a girl. Yeah! His divorce was finalized oh wow, last summer? It's about time for him to date again. He patiently waited throughout the whole two year divorce proceedings. I'm glad he has a social life and that hopefully, he will be happy again. This young lady is a year younger than him and lives in our township actually. And attends some church downtown. She's a social worker. And they met on the internet. Go, P-M! Have fun! She looks sweet!

The End

Year 5, January 24th-26th, 2020: From Loneliness to Community

Ouch! Don't know what happened, but I woke up with a severe headache and odd aches and pains. The weather had become cloudy and misty, but wow, I felt awful and I still do. I had decided to try some Aleeve for monthly cramping so maybe I had a rebound headache? All I know is my body feels hot and then cold (not the flu, trust me), sharp pains here and there with no rhyme or reason, my right neck and shoulder are locked up, and my stomach is bloated and doesn't feel right. TMI? Sure, but all that to say, it was a "I hit my wall and I just want my warm bed and some sleep" kind of day. I managed to get the boys to gym day, but a good 20 minutes late. I took a book and kind of sat to the side to read what I needed to read and didn't force myself to socialize. Abishai has been stuck inside and crazy, so he needed to get out and run around. If it wasn't for that, I would have stayed home. So, I did come home, put on pjs, made it through lunch, and took a nap.

I told Abishai he couldn't watch YouTube videos because he's begging for to many toys and he said, "Then can I just play my games?" I said, "Sure, but if I find you on YouTube Kids, I'm taking it away." Well, Abishai kept me company on the couch for most of my nap, so I did hear the music playing off and on with his games and he seemed to be just on his games. Yeah, he obeyed! He was so sweet, too, to let me cuddle with him. I'm going to miss it so much when he's too big for that, him being the last one I can cuddle. Sigh. I got up to check homework and make supper and then we watched Rogue One. I hadn't asked to watch a movie, but we kind of fell into it. I didn't have any desire to do any type of work today so I gave myself a break. Perhaps I'll wake up tomorrow and will be able to push harder again, but not today. Today was a major fibromyalgia flare up.

But yesterday, Jared was able to register the red van finally, so he drove it today! Therefore tomorrow, we will clean out the gray one. Bittersweet. The van that made it to PEI and Indiana twice over. The van that brought Abishai home from the hospital in and the only vehicle we had on the Island. Great, I've been very non chalant about this process and now, I'm putting emotions to it and wanting to "keep it." Ugh. Me and holding on to "stuff!" I am excited because the red van looks clean and new, although it's a 1 yr old older than the grey van. We have USED the grey van up! I would have to steam clean everything in the interior to get the stains off. Unfortunately for me, I won't be driving the new van because of Jared's back. And we have tentatively said that he will continue driving it for awhile because of that, with me borrowing the van if I do indeed have extra kids to tote around or have to pick up a piece of furniture or take the dog somewhere. For now, with the huge trunk that the car has, I'm good with the car. Plus I have a few more bells and whistles than the red van. And a 6 cd changer. And, it's easier to warm up and cool down and park and better gas mileage. Anyway, so tomorrow is van cleaning day, rain or shine. If rain, we will back it up to the garage and do it that way. And guess what?! If I feel crappy again tomorrow, I will have Jared and the kids take all the stuff out and load it into baskets or onto towels on the garage floor and I'll sort it when I feel better. I don't have to make decisions tomorrow if I don't want to. It will be fine.They bring it to me, and I'll do the sorting. Then they can vacuum it out as well. Sigh. It's a good thing we have a quiet weekend.

So, that's it. Benaiah had work, went downtown to go glow bowling with Ava, stopped at Steak and Shake on the way home and then he and Ava watched a movie at our house. Oh, and Ava had taken her shoes off in the car, so Benaiah carried her inside! Awww....hilarious and well, ok, I won't go down that road....to the far future. Abishai went for a sleepover with Grandpa, so perhaps we will get to sleep in tomorrow. It all depends because I think Grandma has Bible study and Grandpa has to leave for an overnight trip. Benaiah works in the morning and then he's taking Ava to a Indianapolis Fuel hockey game. And Sunday is Sunday. Although in two Sundays, Jared and I are taking Abishai to Monster Jam! I'm pumped about that! First time for me and Abishai inside the Lucas Oil Stadium. First time I've taken a little guy to a big costly event. (Yes, Ticketmaster gouged me on fees again almost equaling the price of the ticket!) First time for Monster Jam that I've been wanting to do for 3 years! Should be fun! I'm just hoping the little guy doesn't get bored and will stay the whole time. Sigh. We'll see!

Time to put the new plates on the new red van!

Away it goes! Our new vehicle!

Bye, Daddy, have a great day!

I love how kids think that real life mixes with make belief live and believe that things like Batman really exist. It's so magical! I'm thinking after the Monster Jam show, we take Abishai for a little walk to see if we can't find Batman and Spiderman. Hm,....

They played a lot of dodgeball today! The kids organized themselves, processed through the rules, set things back up, all without parental involvement. We were sitting in the gym only because that is the rules that the kids be "supervised."  And Abishai was Justin's "helper." He took it upon himself to run after balls and get them back to Justin.

Ready, set, go!

Gosh he 's getting so big!

Abishai got to borrow Eli's remote controlled car for a little while. We stayed in the hallway with it so kids won't accidentally step on it during their playtime. When the walk between the two gyms, they are obviously walking forwards and at a walking speed, so it's easier to be aware of their surroundings.

Abishai easily got used to it and was very gentle with it. One time it got stuck behind a door and as it emerged again,it reminded me of the Cooper police car Amazon Prime TV show where the bad cars hide. But Abishai easily got it unstuck.

A bunch of new kids joined in on the game, so Justin took over and brought all the kids into the middle to explain the rules. Way to go, Leader!

And Abishai can now stay on a penny board for a few seconds!  Woot! Woot! I tried to help him, but I just made things worse.

Counting for the Sardines game.

Who doesn't like a colorful parachute?  I remember doing that in school and the kids at church love it too!

Big bro and little bro and co.

Hey, Esther, we need that bucket soon so we can clean up. Thanks!

Oh Abishai!

Playing Sardines, which is like hide and go seek. One person hides, and the rest of them count and then they scatter. If you find the hidden person, you have to hide with them. So the person who hid better find a big enough spot! Justin, Esther, and another friend.

Abishai reached for the wipeboard and markers all by himself. He said he's drawing a ship or something. And then he put it away well including erasing it and recapping the markers! Way to go!

All ready for Grandma's house! Toothbrush, clothes, guns, blankie, stuffed animals, and pillow. No jacket, despite it being 30 degrees, but at least he has shoes on!

Counting how long it takes for Grandpa to go from his house to ours: 50 seconds!

Benaiah thought it would be a good idea to carry his girlfriend into the house because he was tired and didn't want to put her shoes back on.  He did it!

I can tell I've worked hard today. I was feeling more normal and decided to attack my shorter to do list. I'm now exhausted and weepy. I barely interacted with the children today and I was very short tempered, because while I worked, all I heard was bickering, and Jared barely responding, and when he did, he was short with them, too.  I just want my children to get along, be kind, be considerate, be loving, be encouraging, be helpful, but I feel like I'm failing because they are none of those things. Or if they are, they have selfish motives. I've been a bad example. I weep because I cannot go out and be social and physically show how to serve. They don't know what I do online, or really understand it when I talk about it. They see Mommy sitting around on her phone. They are all in their little zones or rooms, and don't see when Mommy is working feverishly around the house. They bicker over who has the last cookie. They bicker over who has more screen time. They bicker because Abishai wants to play and be with them and they shoo him away.

It was awful tonight. Jared left to be with the guys to celebrate one of the guy's daughters getting baptized tomorrow. That's fine. But I wasn't ready for the bickering. Justin wanted to start building his Lego creation. Abishai wanted to watch and play with Justin's mini figures. Justin wanted to be alone. There was no compromise to be had because neither one of them budged. So, I told Abishai he could watch a video on my computer that I had been saving and wanting gone from my email. Well, he wanted to drag over a large stool instead of standing there like a child should be able to do for a few minutes. I said no, put that back. He wouldn't listen. I yelled at him. He let the stool and went to the recliner to cry. He was asleep within a few minutes. I'm upset that I was short with him. I'm upset that he thinks he doesn't have to obey because he sees the others disobeying. No one take "no" as an answer. They all want screen time. They all want a popsicle. They all want to get each other in trouble.

What am I to do? And Jared doesn't know either, nor is he willing to help me figure it out because he says I won't listen. I want a plan. I need a Super Nanny to help me figure out some kind of system. What kind of chart do I need? I don't need to lecture them anymore. I don't want to punish them anymore. I don't want to treat them like toddlers. But it's so easy just to tell them to separate to their own rooms because no one will compromise and I can't stand there anymore because it physically hurts.

I want to be a family that says "I love you" to one another. I want to actually mean it, too. And it pains me so much that we don't have that. We are all like bickering 2 yr olds. And it hurts to think I created this mess. I'm solely responsible for their well being during the day, their education, their character training. No, I'm not responsible for their actions, but I am responsible for disciplining them. I'm tired of disciplining. I want to have fun moments. I want to play board games with them. I want to do projects where they don't groan about it. I want to be silly. I want to make memories where I didn't have those memories as a kid. Everything we did in my family was done individually. And it didn't turn out that well. I want to be one of those close knit families. How do I achieve that? I feel like I've already lost. No, they aren't my carbon copies. No, they won't be perfect. But how do we get to the point where we can at least like each other enough to get through one meal without fighting about something? I want us to be different. But I don't like "us" right now. Not at all. And I weep for "us."

The things I did today: Shower. After 5 days of not showering because I didn't have time. Yeah. It was that kind of week. School. Because I couldn't pull myself enough together yesterday to figure out worldview and math and Spanish. So we spent time on that this morning. Cleaned out the gray van. Or rather, they brought everything inside and then I sorted it. I'm proud of myself that I didn't save that project for another day. I had a basket full of stuff to go through or needed new homes and I got it done. I didn't need one more basket of "I don't know what to do with this so I'll just stick it behind me in the corner." So, it's done. I fixed a nice meal. I cleaned out email inboxes, answered questions on email and Facebook. That's it. Perhaps that's enough. Oh, I did do two loads of laundry, too. And put a fire under everyone else's butt to finish their chores. I took care of the dog and his wet paws because it snowed today. And I played phone games.

Kids did school, screen time, and puttered in their rooms between fights. They took 15 minutes out of their "busy day" to take everything out of the van. They ate. They went to bed. The end. Jared cooked himself food, cleaned the van, took a nap, and spent time with the guys. Benaiah worked and then went to a hockey game with Ava. Yeah. That was Saturday.

Podcasting! Woot! Woot!

It snowed off and on today. Nothing like what New Brunswick had, which was 36 inches in less than 24 hrs.

Oh my word, this was so our family every day! With John Crist not around right now (but Justin said he will be at a summer festival near us this summer), Trey Kennedy is my comic relief. He makes these hilarious videos often.

Justin brought in the two captain chairs. Jared wants to make a couch or something with them.

Abishai had a dance party in all the extra space. Surprisingly, there was only a little bit of trash in there. I never know when how much trash, like snot rags, will be in a vehicle after Jared has had it for awhile.

Trying to fit in the secret compartment. I did keep some old sheets and things down there for emergencies.

The compartment is pretty deep. I think we are letting a mechanic sell it on an online auction or something.

Justin did find a way to fix some lighting problems in his room.

Cuties at the Fuel hockey game. Who knew that Ava liked hockey?! Score! But that goofy grin on Benaiah. Oh my.

Part of this is Benaiah's handiwork, both at that conference a few months ago and this week. I heard that the staff members working on it actually had to stay at church and sleep there because the time frame for getting it done was moved up by a week. Eek! But it's done!

Breaks...my...heart...that he fell asleep crying. I'm so sorry buddy, so sorry.

Look who was at the hockey game tonight! But Ava and Benaiah didn't see them. Oh well.

What a great day this turned out to be! After sobbing last nigh and feeling so discouraged, my friends pulled through with their encouragement both online and in person. It was exactly what I needed and reminded me again that a) I do have friends that read my posts and care and b) I still need community no matter how much I shy away from it. It also helps that I hardly saw my kids today and I was totally fine with it. I had adult conversations and was reminded that I'm not alone and that yes, I can still hold a conversation. I was thinking about that this morning during the sermon and the call to be in community, once again, and reach lost people for Christ. I have had some social situations lately where I just didn't know who to talk to or what to say. I've always been socially awkward. Always. Always will be. So when I do have great social times, which usually happens when there's only 2-6 people that I sort of already know, I get really giddy and pat myself on the back for going outside my comfort zone. I know it seems silly and it has ZERO to do with being homeschooled. Trust me. My kids are living proof that despite my lack of social skills, they still manage to figure out how to be social on their own in their own way. It's just been my nature for my whole life. And sometimes, I'm a champ and I can put in the hard work of having a conversation. And some days, I'm too mentally exhausted to do it. It probably doesn't make sense to most people because they work with other adults outside the home or they are extroverted or whatever.

Anyway, let me explain what made it a great day. First of all, one of the daughters of our new small group was baptized today! I started to fret last night because it was at the beginning of the 9:15 service and you all know I don't get up very easily so that's why we go to the 11. I started feeling like I HAD to be there so I would be a GOOD friend but Jared calmly reminded me that no one said I had to be there. It's ok. No one is going to think ill of me if we keep our normal routine. Just those simple words of "you don't have to" calmed me down and I felt much better. So instead, they did their thing and invited us over for lunch afterwards. Some of them had eaten by the time we got there, and that was fine too. Gary and Leah were also invited. Leah didn't come though and we aren't sure why. Gary rushed back from preaching somewhere else. I'm not sure how he knows the couple but it seemed like he had met them before. And then Tom and Laura Harrigan came, and life is always better than they are around. Tom is like "my" staff person. Ever since I had that one on one conversation with him after we finished Rooted last year, I have a deep respect for him. From him being from the east coast, to the similar trials they have been through, to his connections with the worship team, to his insights about ministry, man, I love Tom! And then he's a regular guy with favorite movies, motorcycles, stories, yup. Anyway, I told him, hey, look around, we finally have a small group! And we didn't go through Rooted to find it! Oh, well that comment started a whole new conversation of course, but it was a very insightful and helpful one. He sought to understand what our concerns were and was accepting of them but he also addressed those concerns as well. Ah. He called some of us "late adopters" and how we are hesitant to do Rooted because we aren't sure the program will stick this time. The Creek has tried different methods and things in the past but then ditched them after a couple of years. And Tom understood that feeling. I like that term, "late adopters." It means that we are just hesitant, not that we are totally against it, or wish ill of it or whatever, but we are cautious and unsure, and usually because we've been hurt in the past or aren't sure of the risks. And that's ok. Just as long as no one pushes us and tries to argue and convince us. And Tom doesn't do that like others seemed to have been doing from the stage. I was very pleased with the conversation.

Ok, back up to the sermon for a moment. Today, the Creek rolled out their rebranding campaign called the "317." I'm said to see our previous tagline and core values, mission and vision go, but at the same time, I'm trying to trust in the new ones because I KNOW our elders wouldn't have let this happen without a lot of hard work. Dan said they've been working on it for 18 months. So I tried to keep an open mind today. It's not terribly different from the previous things but it's worded in a way that reaches our age group more easily. Basically, it's Dan speak and not Gary speak, lol. So, 3 stands for "Love God, Love People, and Make Disciples." That's the mission. The vision (the "1") is to connect people to Jesus, and while that mostly means bringing others to Christ, it also mean connecting them tangibly, I believe, through our ministry partners, Deepen groups, and Rooted groups. And then the 7 stands for our priorities (previously our core beliefs), worship, gospel, kingdom, Scripture, identity, community, and generosity.  In the next 11 weeks, they will go through each thing in depth. The only problem I have with it all is something I always have a problem with: evangelism. Yes we are all ambassadors for Christ. Yes, we should all be telling people about Christ. But that doesn't look like what is usually preached about on stage. Not all of us can walk across the street to the neighbor's house. Not all of us are out in the secular world. Not all of us can even talk to other Christians well, never mind form relationships with strangers. So I messaged Dan and asked him to clarify for us introverts that it's ok not to walk across the room to the other cubicles and talk about Christ to everyone. It's ok just to be an example or be behind the scenes or just support missionaries financially and prayerfully. These thing are NOT addressed from stage. I sent him a link to a book that I read about introverts in the church and the way the current churches are set up, they are set up with extroverts in mind. And then we introverts feel guilty when we don't want to participate and volunteer for every thing at church. Once a conversation is started, I can talk a lot. But to go and start a conversation is pure torture for me. It has shown up at booths when I'm selling Lilla Rose. It shows up when I'm at church and I'd rather duck and hide than talk to people. I think we just need a clearer picture of what evangelism means.

Ok, back to the afternoon. We went home after the party, but it was already 3pm! Wow! I guess we can call that our quarterly get together, lol. Jared laid down for a bit and then he had nursery duty. Benaiah also took a nap and went back at 4 to play drums for Crave. Benaiah had shown up at the lunch gathering because I told him that this was now our small group and they should know what your face looks like, lol. He engaged with people fine. So did Justin. Keturah, oh my, I thought she had come home with Grandma. I had totally forgotten she had KP worship rehearsal. So I sat there for an hour thinking this was just trying to avoid being with people and having lunch with Grandma instead. Well, after I texted Grandma to tell Keturah to come to Smiths house, Grandma reminded me about rehearsal. Duh! We still had plenty of time before picking her up, so all was well. Jared drove back to church to get here. Whoops! Then I caught up on emails and the middles at screen time. The rest of us headed to church about 5:30 so that I could help Erica with nursery decorations and the kids could go to their things. Jared refused to stay after nursery so he went home. He thought Abishai would go home with him, but Abishai was adamant about staying with Mommy, partly because we brought the tablet, but I think mostly because I haven't spent much time with him in the last two days. I told him he had to help though. So he did, he took down some stars off the wall. Then he played the rest of time.

And that's ok. Abishai and Erica's 5 yr old, Nolan, played for the entire time we worked! It was great! They are in the same Sunday School class (well, sometimes, since Erica's family goes to the 9:15 I think). But they played wonderfully and when they did squabble, they worked it out.  I've got to invite Nolan over for a playdate sometime. Erica watches babies, so she needs to stick to home mostly, and I'm not going to invite myself over there, but we can invite Nolan to our house. Anyway, while they played, we worked. And talked. And it was wonderful. I was able to get to know Erica a little bit better and I shared with her some things about me. I wanted to help her because for one, I wanted to start showing the kids how to jump in and serve. I did NOT expect to have one on one time together and had zero agenda or thought process about that. Again, it was natural and organic, not forced, like it feels like some preachers and teachers who push certain ideas do. I just don't want to get ahead of God here. So that was awesome and refreshing.

When she and Nolan left, we only had to wait 15 more minutes before Justin and Keturah were done, so we played in the nursery until it was time to go. So, Abishai had his people tank filled to overflowing today. He was hopping around before bed saying he wasn't tired. He was exhausted physically but jazzed up mentally because of all the people time. And again, don't worry, I am finding lots of ways to make sure he gets what he needs, like taking him with us tomorrow to Keturah's choir practice so he can socialize with the younger siblings. I would much rather leave him home and spend the hour reading, but, it's helpful to all the wee ones. And I'm very aware that I will have to get him out to more outside classes, maybe even some sort of co op, when he's older. But for now, his tank is full and once he laid down, he was out in seconds. Too cute.

And now we are ready to start a fresh week in a great mood, all Jesus filled, and lesson plans in place. Let's do this!

My boy helped give emotional support when the team was at their wit's end, even quiet, mild mannered Stephen. Benaiah did help physically, too. But here it is. There's 5 panels and each panel took a whole day to complete, like 18 hrs. They had to drill each hole for each light in a specific way after they basically put together their own cutting machine and hooked it up to a computer. It's crazy how much time they spent on it! And yes, there's a bulb out but on purpose. Dan used it as an illustration to say, when just one person does NOT participate, things look off. The picture isn't complete. Basically, we need everyone to be involved.

Hiding on the table ready to get his buddies.

Abishai and the girls playing a dancing game.

Sorry, but these lovely folks got to walk down the red carpet as Grammy nominees today! Yeah for For King and Country!

Erica's handiwork! It's a Jesus train!

Abishai and Nolan are barely a month apart in age. They had a great time playing together.

My man and nature.

My boy is getting a whooping when I get home! He posted this on his Instagram. I told him, um, we are Patriot's fans in this house. He just threw up his hands and said, "My social account, my life, my opinion, etc. etc." like a good liberal millennial.

They built these a couple of weeks ago. Pretty cool! Reminds me of the big numbers in Charlottetwn we used to take pictures with. The date was the date that Canadians met to start talking about separating from England.

Aw, I'm on the exclusive texting group, so I got this note tonight that they won! They won both Grammy's they were nominated for!  That's awesome! They won Best Contemporary Christian Music Performance/Song for "God Only Knows" with Dolly Parton. They also won the Grammy for Best  Contemporary Christian Music Album. Praise the Lord!

Dolly Parton and For King & Country took home the 2020 Grammy Award for Best Contemporary Christian Music Performance/Song for their collaboration on "God Only Knows," on Sunday

Read More: Dolly Parton, For King & Country Win 2020 Grammy | https://tasteofcountry.com/dolly-parton-for-king-and-country-god-only-knows-christian-performance-song-2020-grammy-award/?utm_source=tsmclip&utm_medium=referral

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