Year 5, January 24th-26th, 2020: From Loneliness to Community

Ouch! Don't know what happened, but I woke up with a severe headache and odd aches and pains. The weather had become cloudy and misty, but wow, I felt awful and I still do. I had decided to try some Aleeve for monthly cramping so maybe I had a rebound headache? All I know is my body feels hot and then cold (not the flu, trust me), sharp pains here and there with no rhyme or reason, my right neck and shoulder are locked up, and my stomach is bloated and doesn't feel right. TMI? Sure, but all that to say, it was a "I hit my wall and I just want my warm bed and some sleep" kind of day. I managed to get the boys to gym day, but a good 20 minutes late. I took a book and kind of sat to the side to read what I needed to read and didn't force myself to socialize. Abishai has been stuck inside and crazy, so he needed to get out and run around. If it wasn't for that, I would have stayed home. So, I did come home, put on pjs, made it through lunch, and took a nap.

I told Abishai he couldn't watch YouTube videos because he's begging for to many toys and he said, "Then can I just play my games?" I said, "Sure, but if I find you on YouTube Kids, I'm taking it away." Well, Abishai kept me company on the couch for most of my nap, so I did hear the music playing off and on with his games and he seemed to be just on his games. Yeah, he obeyed! He was so sweet, too, to let me cuddle with him. I'm going to miss it so much when he's too big for that, him being the last one I can cuddle. Sigh. I got up to check homework and make supper and then we watched Rogue One. I hadn't asked to watch a movie, but we kind of fell into it. I didn't have any desire to do any type of work today so I gave myself a break. Perhaps I'll wake up tomorrow and will be able to push harder again, but not today. Today was a major fibromyalgia flare up.

But yesterday, Jared was able to register the red van finally, so he drove it today! Therefore tomorrow, we will clean out the gray one. Bittersweet. The van that made it to PEI and Indiana twice over. The van that brought Abishai home from the hospital in and the only vehicle we had on the Island. Great, I've been very non chalant about this process and now, I'm putting emotions to it and wanting to "keep it." Ugh. Me and holding on to "stuff!" I am excited because the red van looks clean and new, although it's a 1 yr old older than the grey van. We have USED the grey van up! I would have to steam clean everything in the interior to get the stains off. Unfortunately for me, I won't be driving the new van because of Jared's back. And we have tentatively said that he will continue driving it for awhile because of that, with me borrowing the van if I do indeed have extra kids to tote around or have to pick up a piece of furniture or take the dog somewhere. For now, with the huge trunk that the car has, I'm good with the car. Plus I have a few more bells and whistles than the red van. And a 6 cd changer. And, it's easier to warm up and cool down and park and better gas mileage. Anyway, so tomorrow is van cleaning day, rain or shine. If rain, we will back it up to the garage and do it that way. And guess what?! If I feel crappy again tomorrow, I will have Jared and the kids take all the stuff out and load it into baskets or onto towels on the garage floor and I'll sort it when I feel better. I don't have to make decisions tomorrow if I don't want to. It will be fine.They bring it to me, and I'll do the sorting. Then they can vacuum it out as well. Sigh. It's a good thing we have a quiet weekend.

So, that's it. Benaiah had work, went downtown to go glow bowling with Ava, stopped at Steak and Shake on the way home and then he and Ava watched a movie at our house. Oh, and Ava had taken her shoes off in the car, so Benaiah carried her inside! Awww....hilarious and well, ok, I won't go down that road....to the far future. Abishai went for a sleepover with Grandpa, so perhaps we will get to sleep in tomorrow. It all depends because I think Grandma has Bible study and Grandpa has to leave for an overnight trip. Benaiah works in the morning and then he's taking Ava to a Indianapolis Fuel hockey game. And Sunday is Sunday. Although in two Sundays, Jared and I are taking Abishai to Monster Jam! I'm pumped about that! First time for me and Abishai inside the Lucas Oil Stadium. First time I've taken a little guy to a big costly event. (Yes, Ticketmaster gouged me on fees again almost equaling the price of the ticket!) First time for Monster Jam that I've been wanting to do for 3 years! Should be fun! I'm just hoping the little guy doesn't get bored and will stay the whole time. Sigh. We'll see!

Time to put the new plates on the new red van!

Away it goes! Our new vehicle!

Bye, Daddy, have a great day!

I love how kids think that real life mixes with make belief live and believe that things like Batman really exist. It's so magical! I'm thinking after the Monster Jam show, we take Abishai for a little walk to see if we can't find Batman and Spiderman. Hm,....

They played a lot of dodgeball today! The kids organized themselves, processed through the rules, set things back up, all without parental involvement. We were sitting in the gym only because that is the rules that the kids be "supervised."  And Abishai was Justin's "helper." He took it upon himself to run after balls and get them back to Justin.

Ready, set, go!

Gosh he 's getting so big!

Abishai got to borrow Eli's remote controlled car for a little while. We stayed in the hallway with it so kids won't accidentally step on it during their playtime. When the walk between the two gyms, they are obviously walking forwards and at a walking speed, so it's easier to be aware of their surroundings.

Abishai easily got used to it and was very gentle with it. One time it got stuck behind a door and as it emerged again,it reminded me of the Cooper police car Amazon Prime TV show where the bad cars hide. But Abishai easily got it unstuck.

A bunch of new kids joined in on the game, so Justin took over and brought all the kids into the middle to explain the rules. Way to go, Leader!

And Abishai can now stay on a penny board for a few seconds!  Woot! Woot! I tried to help him, but I just made things worse.

Counting for the Sardines game.

Who doesn't like a colorful parachute?  I remember doing that in school and the kids at church love it too!

Big bro and little bro and co.

Hey, Esther, we need that bucket soon so we can clean up. Thanks!

Oh Abishai!

Playing Sardines, which is like hide and go seek. One person hides, and the rest of them count and then they scatter. If you find the hidden person, you have to hide with them. So the person who hid better find a big enough spot! Justin, Esther, and another friend.

Abishai reached for the wipeboard and markers all by himself. He said he's drawing a ship or something. And then he put it away well including erasing it and recapping the markers! Way to go!

All ready for Grandma's house! Toothbrush, clothes, guns, blankie, stuffed animals, and pillow. No jacket, despite it being 30 degrees, but at least he has shoes on!

Counting how long it takes for Grandpa to go from his house to ours: 50 seconds!

Benaiah thought it would be a good idea to carry his girlfriend into the house because he was tired and didn't want to put her shoes back on.  He did it!

I can tell I've worked hard today. I was feeling more normal and decided to attack my shorter to do list. I'm now exhausted and weepy. I barely interacted with the children today and I was very short tempered, because while I worked, all I heard was bickering, and Jared barely responding, and when he did, he was short with them, too.  I just want my children to get along, be kind, be considerate, be loving, be encouraging, be helpful, but I feel like I'm failing because they are none of those things. Or if they are, they have selfish motives. I've been a bad example. I weep because I cannot go out and be social and physically show how to serve. They don't know what I do online, or really understand it when I talk about it. They see Mommy sitting around on her phone. They are all in their little zones or rooms, and don't see when Mommy is working feverishly around the house. They bicker over who has the last cookie. They bicker over who has more screen time. They bicker because Abishai wants to play and be with them and they shoo him away.

It was awful tonight. Jared left to be with the guys to celebrate one of the guy's daughters getting baptized tomorrow. That's fine. But I wasn't ready for the bickering. Justin wanted to start building his Lego creation. Abishai wanted to watch and play with Justin's mini figures. Justin wanted to be alone. There was no compromise to be had because neither one of them budged. So, I told Abishai he could watch a video on my computer that I had been saving and wanting gone from my email. Well, he wanted to drag over a large stool instead of standing there like a child should be able to do for a few minutes. I said no, put that back. He wouldn't listen. I yelled at him. He let the stool and went to the recliner to cry. He was asleep within a few minutes. I'm upset that I was short with him. I'm upset that he thinks he doesn't have to obey because he sees the others disobeying. No one take "no" as an answer. They all want screen time. They all want a popsicle. They all want to get each other in trouble.

What am I to do? And Jared doesn't know either, nor is he willing to help me figure it out because he says I won't listen. I want a plan. I need a Super Nanny to help me figure out some kind of system. What kind of chart do I need? I don't need to lecture them anymore. I don't want to punish them anymore. I don't want to treat them like toddlers. But it's so easy just to tell them to separate to their own rooms because no one will compromise and I can't stand there anymore because it physically hurts.

I want to be a family that says "I love you" to one another. I want to actually mean it, too. And it pains me so much that we don't have that. We are all like bickering 2 yr olds. And it hurts to think I created this mess. I'm solely responsible for their well being during the day, their education, their character training. No, I'm not responsible for their actions, but I am responsible for disciplining them. I'm tired of disciplining. I want to have fun moments. I want to play board games with them. I want to do projects where they don't groan about it. I want to be silly. I want to make memories where I didn't have those memories as a kid. Everything we did in my family was done individually. And it didn't turn out that well. I want to be one of those close knit families. How do I achieve that? I feel like I've already lost. No, they aren't my carbon copies. No, they won't be perfect. But how do we get to the point where we can at least like each other enough to get through one meal without fighting about something? I want us to be different. But I don't like "us" right now. Not at all. And I weep for "us."

The things I did today: Shower. After 5 days of not showering because I didn't have time. Yeah. It was that kind of week. School. Because I couldn't pull myself enough together yesterday to figure out worldview and math and Spanish. So we spent time on that this morning. Cleaned out the gray van. Or rather, they brought everything inside and then I sorted it. I'm proud of myself that I didn't save that project for another day. I had a basket full of stuff to go through or needed new homes and I got it done. I didn't need one more basket of "I don't know what to do with this so I'll just stick it behind me in the corner." So, it's done. I fixed a nice meal. I cleaned out email inboxes, answered questions on email and Facebook. That's it. Perhaps that's enough. Oh, I did do two loads of laundry, too. And put a fire under everyone else's butt to finish their chores. I took care of the dog and his wet paws because it snowed today. And I played phone games.

Kids did school, screen time, and puttered in their rooms between fights. They took 15 minutes out of their "busy day" to take everything out of the van. They ate. They went to bed. The end. Jared cooked himself food, cleaned the van, took a nap, and spent time with the guys. Benaiah worked and then went to a hockey game with Ava. Yeah. That was Saturday.

Podcasting! Woot! Woot!

It snowed off and on today. Nothing like what New Brunswick had, which was 36 inches in less than 24 hrs.

Oh my word, this was so our family every day! With John Crist not around right now (but Justin said he will be at a summer festival near us this summer), Trey Kennedy is my comic relief. He makes these hilarious videos often.

Justin brought in the two captain chairs. Jared wants to make a couch or something with them.

Abishai had a dance party in all the extra space. Surprisingly, there was only a little bit of trash in there. I never know when how much trash, like snot rags, will be in a vehicle after Jared has had it for awhile.

Trying to fit in the secret compartment. I did keep some old sheets and things down there for emergencies.

The compartment is pretty deep. I think we are letting a mechanic sell it on an online auction or something.

Justin did find a way to fix some lighting problems in his room.

Cuties at the Fuel hockey game. Who knew that Ava liked hockey?! Score! But that goofy grin on Benaiah. Oh my.

Part of this is Benaiah's handiwork, both at that conference a few months ago and this week. I heard that the staff members working on it actually had to stay at church and sleep there because the time frame for getting it done was moved up by a week. Eek! But it's done!

Breaks...my...heart...that he fell asleep crying. I'm so sorry buddy, so sorry.

Look who was at the hockey game tonight! But Ava and Benaiah didn't see them. Oh well.

What a great day this turned out to be! After sobbing last nigh and feeling so discouraged, my friends pulled through with their encouragement both online and in person. It was exactly what I needed and reminded me again that a) I do have friends that read my posts and care and b) I still need community no matter how much I shy away from it. It also helps that I hardly saw my kids today and I was totally fine with it. I had adult conversations and was reminded that I'm not alone and that yes, I can still hold a conversation. I was thinking about that this morning during the sermon and the call to be in community, once again, and reach lost people for Christ. I have had some social situations lately where I just didn't know who to talk to or what to say. I've always been socially awkward. Always. Always will be. So when I do have great social times, which usually happens when there's only 2-6 people that I sort of already know, I get really giddy and pat myself on the back for going outside my comfort zone. I know it seems silly and it has ZERO to do with being homeschooled. Trust me. My kids are living proof that despite my lack of social skills, they still manage to figure out how to be social on their own in their own way. It's just been my nature for my whole life. And sometimes, I'm a champ and I can put in the hard work of having a conversation. And some days, I'm too mentally exhausted to do it. It probably doesn't make sense to most people because they work with other adults outside the home or they are extroverted or whatever.

Anyway, let me explain what made it a great day. First of all, one of the daughters of our new small group was baptized today! I started to fret last night because it was at the beginning of the 9:15 service and you all know I don't get up very easily so that's why we go to the 11. I started feeling like I HAD to be there so I would be a GOOD friend but Jared calmly reminded me that no one said I had to be there. It's ok. No one is going to think ill of me if we keep our normal routine. Just those simple words of "you don't have to" calmed me down and I felt much better. So instead, they did their thing and invited us over for lunch afterwards. Some of them had eaten by the time we got there, and that was fine too. Gary and Leah were also invited. Leah didn't come though and we aren't sure why. Gary rushed back from preaching somewhere else. I'm not sure how he knows the couple but it seemed like he had met them before. And then Tom and Laura Harrigan came, and life is always better than they are around. Tom is like "my" staff person. Ever since I had that one on one conversation with him after we finished Rooted last year, I have a deep respect for him. From him being from the east coast, to the similar trials they have been through, to his connections with the worship team, to his insights about ministry, man, I love Tom! And then he's a regular guy with favorite movies, motorcycles, stories, yup. Anyway, I told him, hey, look around, we finally have a small group! And we didn't go through Rooted to find it! Oh, well that comment started a whole new conversation of course, but it was a very insightful and helpful one. He sought to understand what our concerns were and was accepting of them but he also addressed those concerns as well. Ah. He called some of us "late adopters" and how we are hesitant to do Rooted because we aren't sure the program will stick this time. The Creek has tried different methods and things in the past but then ditched them after a couple of years. And Tom understood that feeling. I like that term, "late adopters." It means that we are just hesitant, not that we are totally against it, or wish ill of it or whatever, but we are cautious and unsure, and usually because we've been hurt in the past or aren't sure of the risks. And that's ok. Just as long as no one pushes us and tries to argue and convince us. And Tom doesn't do that like others seemed to have been doing from the stage. I was very pleased with the conversation.

Ok, back up to the sermon for a moment. Today, the Creek rolled out their rebranding campaign called the "317." I'm said to see our previous tagline and core values, mission and vision go, but at the same time, I'm trying to trust in the new ones because I KNOW our elders wouldn't have let this happen without a lot of hard work. Dan said they've been working on it for 18 months. So I tried to keep an open mind today. It's not terribly different from the previous things but it's worded in a way that reaches our age group more easily. Basically, it's Dan speak and not Gary speak, lol. So, 3 stands for "Love God, Love People, and Make Disciples." That's the mission. The vision (the "1") is to connect people to Jesus, and while that mostly means bringing others to Christ, it also mean connecting them tangibly, I believe, through our ministry partners, Deepen groups, and Rooted groups. And then the 7 stands for our priorities (previously our core beliefs), worship, gospel, kingdom, Scripture, identity, community, and generosity.  In the next 11 weeks, they will go through each thing in depth. The only problem I have with it all is something I always have a problem with: evangelism. Yes we are all ambassadors for Christ. Yes, we should all be telling people about Christ. But that doesn't look like what is usually preached about on stage. Not all of us can walk across the street to the neighbor's house. Not all of us are out in the secular world. Not all of us can even talk to other Christians well, never mind form relationships with strangers. So I messaged Dan and asked him to clarify for us introverts that it's ok not to walk across the room to the other cubicles and talk about Christ to everyone. It's ok just to be an example or be behind the scenes or just support missionaries financially and prayerfully. These thing are NOT addressed from stage. I sent him a link to a book that I read about introverts in the church and the way the current churches are set up, they are set up with extroverts in mind. And then we introverts feel guilty when we don't want to participate and volunteer for every thing at church. Once a conversation is started, I can talk a lot. But to go and start a conversation is pure torture for me. It has shown up at booths when I'm selling Lilla Rose. It shows up when I'm at church and I'd rather duck and hide than talk to people. I think we just need a clearer picture of what evangelism means.

Ok, back to the afternoon. We went home after the party, but it was already 3pm! Wow! I guess we can call that our quarterly get together, lol. Jared laid down for a bit and then he had nursery duty. Benaiah also took a nap and went back at 4 to play drums for Crave. Benaiah had shown up at the lunch gathering because I told him that this was now our small group and they should know what your face looks like, lol. He engaged with people fine. So did Justin. Keturah, oh my, I thought she had come home with Grandma. I had totally forgotten she had KP worship rehearsal. So I sat there for an hour thinking this was just trying to avoid being with people and having lunch with Grandma instead. Well, after I texted Grandma to tell Keturah to come to Smiths house, Grandma reminded me about rehearsal. Duh! We still had plenty of time before picking her up, so all was well. Jared drove back to church to get here. Whoops! Then I caught up on emails and the middles at screen time. The rest of us headed to church about 5:30 so that I could help Erica with nursery decorations and the kids could go to their things. Jared refused to stay after nursery so he went home. He thought Abishai would go home with him, but Abishai was adamant about staying with Mommy, partly because we brought the tablet, but I think mostly because I haven't spent much time with him in the last two days. I told him he had to help though. So he did, he took down some stars off the wall. Then he played the rest of time.

And that's ok. Abishai and Erica's 5 yr old, Nolan, played for the entire time we worked! It was great! They are in the same Sunday School class (well, sometimes, since Erica's family goes to the 9:15 I think). But they played wonderfully and when they did squabble, they worked it out.  I've got to invite Nolan over for a playdate sometime. Erica watches babies, so she needs to stick to home mostly, and I'm not going to invite myself over there, but we can invite Nolan to our house. Anyway, while they played, we worked. And talked. And it was wonderful. I was able to get to know Erica a little bit better and I shared with her some things about me. I wanted to help her because for one, I wanted to start showing the kids how to jump in and serve. I did NOT expect to have one on one time together and had zero agenda or thought process about that. Again, it was natural and organic, not forced, like it feels like some preachers and teachers who push certain ideas do. I just don't want to get ahead of God here. So that was awesome and refreshing.

When she and Nolan left, we only had to wait 15 more minutes before Justin and Keturah were done, so we played in the nursery until it was time to go. So, Abishai had his people tank filled to overflowing today. He was hopping around before bed saying he wasn't tired. He was exhausted physically but jazzed up mentally because of all the people time. And again, don't worry, I am finding lots of ways to make sure he gets what he needs, like taking him with us tomorrow to Keturah's choir practice so he can socialize with the younger siblings. I would much rather leave him home and spend the hour reading, but, it's helpful to all the wee ones. And I'm very aware that I will have to get him out to more outside classes, maybe even some sort of co op, when he's older. But for now, his tank is full and once he laid down, he was out in seconds. Too cute.

And now we are ready to start a fresh week in a great mood, all Jesus filled, and lesson plans in place. Let's do this!

My boy helped give emotional support when the team was at their wit's end, even quiet, mild mannered Stephen. Benaiah did help physically, too. But here it is. There's 5 panels and each panel took a whole day to complete, like 18 hrs. They had to drill each hole for each light in a specific way after they basically put together their own cutting machine and hooked it up to a computer. It's crazy how much time they spent on it! And yes, there's a bulb out but on purpose. Dan used it as an illustration to say, when just one person does NOT participate, things look off. The picture isn't complete. Basically, we need everyone to be involved.

Hiding on the table ready to get his buddies.

Abishai and the girls playing a dancing game.

Sorry, but these lovely folks got to walk down the red carpet as Grammy nominees today! Yeah for For King and Country!

Erica's handiwork! It's a Jesus train!

Abishai and Nolan are barely a month apart in age. They had a great time playing together.

My man and nature.

My boy is getting a whooping when I get home! He posted this on his Instagram. I told him, um, we are Patriot's fans in this house. He just threw up his hands and said, "My social account, my life, my opinion, etc. etc." like a good liberal millennial.

They built these a couple of weeks ago. Pretty cool! Reminds me of the big numbers in Charlottetwn we used to take pictures with. The date was the date that Canadians met to start talking about separating from England.

Aw, I'm on the exclusive texting group, so I got this note tonight that they won! They won both Grammy's they were nominated for!  That's awesome! They won Best Contemporary Christian Music Performance/Song for "God Only Knows" with Dolly Parton. They also won the Grammy for Best  Contemporary Christian Music Album. Praise the Lord!

Dolly Parton and For King & Country took home the 2020 Grammy Award for Best Contemporary Christian Music Performance/Song for their collaboration on "God Only Knows," on Sunday

Read More: Dolly Parton, For King & Country Win 2020 Grammy | https://tasteofcountry.com/dolly-parton-for-king-and-country-god-only-knows-christian-performance-song-2020-grammy-award/?utm_source=tsmclip&utm_medium=referral

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