Year 5, August 14th-16th, 2020: Downswing, Upswing

 Friends Friday! Park day was at Wolf Run Park, so right near our house. And a total of 8 families showed up, including two new to homeschooling families! Yeah! We ended up staying until 1:30pm, so 3 1/2 hrs! We were super hungry and thirsty! I didn't drink anything because I know there isn't a bathroom there. But the ladies and I talked and talked and talked, mostly about homeschooling but a few other things, too. The boys didn't check in with me until probably almost 1pm. We are exhausted! We ate lunch and the boys got on screens and I took a little nap. I got up, finished up that blog article I hadn't touched all week (whoops), and sent it to the blogger. Crossing my fingers that it's ok. I had two of my IAHE peers review it and one obviously is a great editor and showed me exactly how to change it. I made all those changes, tweaked a few other parts, and polished it off the best I could. Now I wait and see. I then tried to finish up a bit more homeschool prep work with Keturah's help. She did some copying for me for her writing program. Sweet! Now I can send her to do any of the copying work! After a dinner of burgers and fries, Jared went to help cut down someone's tree limb and I was awake enough to finish scanning through a new to me handwriting program and think of ways to incorporate it with the Abeka phonics, handwriting, and language arts program. We'll see how it goes, but at least I have new tools in my toolbelt to make it more fun and maybe do a better, more proper job of teaching handwriting. Tomorrow I hope to clean up my mom binder and pace out Justin's stuff and then we'll be ready. Oh wait, I need to go through all the pens and pencils Benaiah didn't want and put them in their proper places. I don't have to do that by Monday but they are living in the school area somewhat in the way. So, we'll see.

Meanwhile, I nearly had another pity party meltdown during dinner. I don't know what is stressing me out so much! Jared got down to his goal weight. That's part of it. And I'm super frustrated that I've worked on my health and tried so many things and nothing works.  Some lose weight on Whole 30. I lost nothing. Some lose weight with vigorous exercise. I lost nothing. Don't both at the same time seems impossible. What if I have ADD? What a magic pill be my answer to my brain fog? Do I make an appointment and go in sooner than my normal recheck? I don't want to starve myself. I don't want to exercise. I just want to sit with my friends and talk homeschooling. That's what makes me truly happy. But am I all talk and don't walk the walk? Eh, sometimes. I think I'm just nervous about getting going for some reason like I have to prove that I practice what I preach. More people are looking to us, at least in my mind, and I want to be the best we can be. But for who? My reputation? Or the kids' actual education? And then I come home and all they know is Minecraft and I feel like a failure. I should have had them watching history DVD's all summer. How can I make them love history more than pop culture? Especially when I, too, get overly giddy about pop culture sometimes? Oh the doubts! It's just like my faith. I know all about it, but do I really live it? Do I really, truly believe it enough to obey? Am I a hypocritical Pharisee? I think that's what I'm afraid of. I'm going to be found out that I stay up late to watch TV shows that aren't exactly wholesome. I prefer to play a mining game on my phone to playing a board game with my kids. I sneak chocolate after I just told my kids no more sweets. That fear of lacking, being disobedient, not being 110% of my best self. And yet I can pour out myself and my knowledge to anyone that even hints about homeschooling. Which does mean I'm where I'm supposed to be in my outside the home life/ministry. I see that I've really helped someone and it drives me to do it again. Maybe that's it. I don't see the fruit of my labors at home. Or when I do and I proudly show it off, I get no feedback. Or I utterly fail. I haven't worked out in 3 weeks. I got bored. I got tired of being sore. I knew I couldn't keep up with it after learning we weren't going on our Israel trip and I don't have the time for it when I was barely getting it done AND a house project every day. Homeschooling takes more time than the house projects I was working on. The focus has to shift back from my weight to the kids' education. I'd much rather do that anyway. I don't play sports. I only worked out to stay in shape for my wedding and to have enough muscles to ride horses. I never really enjoyed it. And the Whole 30 sucked. It was so tough with all the restrictions and so little options. You can only eat so many hamburgers for breakfast when eggs make you feel sick. So maybe ADD medication is a piece to the puzzle. If I could just think clearly enough, I could get more done in less time. I could switch gears from being out on errands to being at home faster. I don't know until I try, right? My friend said ADD is under the general category of anxiety. That makes sense. But am I buying into this too much? A magic pill? Why am I back here again? Searching for more answers? Looking for a cure instead of being content? Because others aren't content with me. I disappoint others. They refuse to express pride in me and my accomplishments. When no one asks what you did this week at Sunday dinner and the focus is all on "hurry up, the kid wants to build his computer" you feel rejected. And that's why I share what I do share with the family, because no one asks me how I'm doing. How's homeschooling going? How's your health? They are too busy and distracted. So, I just blurt it out. And probably don't sound humble. Looking for validation. In a pill. In a certain number on the scale. In how my kids behave and what they know and their test scores and GPA and who are their friends. Am I alone in this? No, not at all. But I feel lonely sometimes. Last week I was lonely with Benaiah's transition. This week, I'm depressed because I feel inadequate to actually follow through with my homeschool ideas. Why? Because of our track record. I'll be too tired to do it all. I'll find it boring because it's not how I learn. I'll be distracted by my other to do lists, so it's going to take energy to turn that part of my brain off. Etc.

That's where I stand tonight. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I've had a roller coaster of unexpected emotions the last few weeks where I feel like I should have been more stable. But I'm not. I want to be ready on Monday, but realistically, I know it's going to be a slow start. I need patience. I need to work on good habits before content. I need to practice what I preach. I need to stay in my lane and stay off social media. So I'm grateful that I did just that today. I spent 3 1/2 hrs only checking my phone for the time and the world didn't fall apart. My game did it's thing. Someone else approved posts on Marketplace. Emails got answered a bit later. And I talked and talked and talked and showed off our brand new science book and what I discovered and imparted lots and lots of knowledge. And my boys got to be with their friends. Abishai climbed the smaller climbing rope pyramid mimicking the older kids. He played a Paw Patrol "game" with two boys that weren't even in our group! He was so exhausted that he crumpled when he didn't get to play another round of Battlefront. And seeing him play with other boys (and girls) makes my heart happy. So I'll rest in that tonight.

Putting the girlie to work making copies of her own work and three hole punching them! She wanted to get paid for it. Uh, you'll get paid in education points.

Good for him. Frustrating to me.

Yummy for a quick dinner. I just kept piling on the goods! Regular frozen burger from Aldis some gourmet seasoning (from a 4 seasoning thing from Alids), one slice of cheddar cheese, some blue cheese crumbles, ketchup, mayo, grape tomatoes, fresh cilantro, and air fried potatoes as a base instead of bread. Man, it was perfection! My own little PEI Burger Love!

 

 

 

 

 

Good night.

The emotions keep creeping up on me. I keep pushing them down. Maybe I'll explode at some point. Maybe yelling right before dinner last night let off some of the steam enough to stem the tide a little bit longer. But the roller coaster is real and I want....it....to....stop....I'd rather just be numb sometimes. I don't want to feel the extremes. Sometimes. Most of the time, I'm gratetful I do have the extremes. But when I'm depressed for a longer period of time, (ok, just a few days vs a few hrs for me, although I know actual depressive episodes actually last weeks to months), it leaves me feeling exhausted. I'm pretty sure I already explained it well last night, so I won't go there again. I'll try to focus on what other things happened today.

I did get to share some thoughts and feelings with Jared via text (sometimes it's easier to tell him through a text although he's standing in the same room as I am) and some of them I voiced to him right before naptime but I don't think he heard me. It's just hard to put al the feelings together. Another diagnosis to deal with in the house, maybe even in me, is a bit too much to handle. I'm over talking about other topics that pain me. I just want to be a hermit, homeschool, ignore social media and the fun everyone else gets to have pre Covid or during Covid, and move on. Maybe now others understand what it's like to be trapped in your house because you can't do anything. You can get really bored when you have a chronic illness because you can't get up and do something to get your mind off of it. You're stuck. 

Today I cleaned out my "mom binder" and organized it so I can actually use it again this year, mostly for our "morning basket." I did print out some attendance sheets for this year, but I keep track in their personal assignment books, too. And I finished the "wood" pieces made of cardboard for Abishai's letter learning. I read the intro to a couple of ADD books and a bit more in my Poldark book. I think if I tell myself to spend 10 minutes on one of the books multiple times a day, that's doable. I have a few 10 minute windows where I'm waiting for something to cook and I'm all about to date on my game. I also emailed some old counselors about who they would recommend for help with Justin. Jared worked on the wood for his camping trip next week and grilled pork steak for supper. Justin and Keturah played a lot of Monopoly and Lego. Abishai played almost an hour by himself on Battlefront II. He can't read, but he knows what the little icons on the screen mean and where to go. Overall, a low key Saturday. Next weekend will be crazy busy, so I'm glad this one wasn't.

Rules of this house. I had typed this up a few years ago and was about to think up another one but I'm glad I found this one. It's adapted from this old kit by one of the homeschooling pioneers in the 80's/90's. Plus our detailed routine. It won't be minute by minute, but it gives us a visual flow to the day. I'm hoping that we reference it more so it's not always just in our heads. I think that will help Justin and I a bit more.

Can you imagine?!

I have no idea what this area would be called in classroom. But I remember having a morning routine of the weather, the day of the week, going over announcements in first period of school. We haven't done this in awhile since the kids can figure out the day of the week and the weather and such, so this is mainly for Abishai. Keturah already engaged with the themed day of the week with Abishai, so I am going to give her the task of being my teaching assistant. She wasn't opposed to that idea when I talked about it a couple of months ago with helping Abishai with memory work, so we'll see.

Morning basket is a time to come together as a family unit. I think we lack that sometimes. I mean we do eat dinner together most nights. But we also argue every time we are in the kitchen together. And maybe by doing this first thing, it will set the tone for the day. It's only 10-15 minutes long. Well, depending on the memory work. I might have to break it up and do some at lunch. Or not go over CC or something. I want to start with the Charlotte Mason motto, "I am, I can, I ought, I will." and verses that go with it. The older kids should remember it. But again, we are repeating some things for Abishai. And then maybe a devo and prayer time. Nothing to extensive.

I did print of multiple copies of different things like our routine and house rules just so we would have them handy.

Icons for the pre reader. I remember doing this for a chore list for Keturah. I like making these things so it was a fun task. I'm not big into making everything colorful and into a game, but, he is a kindergartner. I wanted to try a little bit harder for him. And hopefully the magnetic calendar stays put together. I put the real calendar in the pantry just in case as a reference. That calendar also has local coupons on it so I didn't just want to stuff it in a drawer somewhere.

There's several other "rules of conduct" on the left side there that I will rotate through. I didn't realize I had typed up some more from a blog post or something. This particular one has been up on the wall for several years and they still can't do it.

Gotta love free! I did read through this and it's going to be a fun addition to our writing pages. I will go in the order of our writing pages, not the suggested order in this book. I think Abishai would get it either way. There's a lot of different reinforcement activities. I've never felt the need to do those things but it might make it a little bit more fun if I pick one to do for each letter. This program would have been helpful for Keturah who did end up writing several letters backwards for many years. She's finally gotten over it. I made the cardboard cutouts myself. This is why I keep that type of supply on hand. I can't remember what they were from but they were the perfect weight and size for this project.

A man and his wood.

I wish I had taken a picture of Dinosaury all strapped into Abishai's carseat. He said that these guys were taking a nap but then they were all going to church to see what it's like. I told him since we are still just going to church at the Smiths, I'm fine with him bringing 1-2 stuffed animals every week. I don't let them bring anything else to the church campus, at least not inside the building, because toys get lost, and kids get jealous, etc. I'm kind of glad that home and church are the primary places he knows. He'd rather be wherever we are, so he doesn't mind being home with us on days like us. He was keeping Daddy company while he was grilling.

My hyperfocused ADD child played Lord of the Rings Monopoly by himself using 6 characters, all with their separate monies. I used to do that with just two players. He did it earlier with 3 players, then Keturah took over one and lost all that person's money, and then she took over another player and won using that player. This kept them busy all day and the sound was lovely. This makes up for all their fighting.

Sunday - quick note, I found Jared watching Star Trek: The Next Generation when I just got up from my computer to get something. I'd join him but I have too much to do. Maybe another time. I guess it's free on Amazon Prime right now. His family and mine watched Star Trek: TNG back when we were kids. So, it was inevitable that our kids got the love for sci fi gene. 

Sunday was normal as normal as can be. Church, dinner, nap and screens, youth group. I did find out that Justin's youth group stuff will start again on Sunday Sept. 13th which is also the tentative reopening of our kid programming at church. I said, yes, Justin and Keturah could definitely go back. They know to wash their hands, socially distance, and they NEED something to do! I think Abishai would be fine, too. I don't know if we are having a 4:30 service or not at that point. I'm not really feeling the need to be in the nursery right now. Jared can do his own thing. We will all go to the kick off night and get the lowdown on the new procedures of course. The need for volunteers will be smaller anyway because not as many people are coming back to church yet. But as far as attending church goes, man, I don't want to give up home church! We said we couldn't go to church because there was nothing for Abishai, but now we don't have that excuse. But I've been worried about Abishai's social life, so I guess this is the next step. I could send him with Grandma for both services but I'm not sure if he would keep his mask on that long. We could try it out and see maybe. At least we have options, right? 

We did get to talk to Benaiah a little bit at lunch today, but he scooted out soon after lunch to do an oil change in his truck. He got super frustrated with it right away, so Jared had to come home, change, and go back to help him. Jared said they had a decent time together. I'm sure they didn't talk about anything but the truck, but hey, Dad came to the rescue and that counts for something, right? Gary was off in Roanoke, Virginia, so he wasn't there for lunch. Yup, same old same old. Jared and I took a nap AGAIN today. I think sometimes it's the only way we know how to "be" together. We aren't much for couch snuggling because he can't sit on the couch because of his back and I get uncomfortable, too. I had already drank my afternoon coffee so I didn't sleep much. Oh well. Resting is good.

Then off to chores, quick dinner and Keturah to her house class. Justin mowed the grass tonight because he doesn't have time in the morning because WE ARE STARTING SCHOOL tomorrow. Justin took a shower after mowing (and he had one this morning too), Keturah had one last night, and I even had Abishai take a bath because it's been awhile and his nails needed to be trimmed. I don't like trimming dirty fingernails. That's the only thing we did to prepare tonight for tomorrow. And I told them we are NOT going to do screen time so don't even ask about it. I'm not sure how the day will got at all, but I hope to do morning time, send Justin and Keturah to do math and science, and do Abishai's first lessons. If we get to more, great, if we don't, we don't. The first couple of weeks, maybe a month, I have planned on doing some ADHD workbooks with Justin (count it as health class!) and both of them will read some extra reading that didn't get done at the end of last year, so they won't be starting out their regular history or even writing curriculum just yet. That's a bit different than in years' past. I hope to take photos done and all that, though. I'm not doing a special breakfast and I already gave them their little gift of new erasers. Low key all the way I guess. But we'll try to be excited for Abishai. I'll set up a little work station before I go to bed tonight. But first I have to wrap this up and get some first day of school signs printed. I didn't read my books either, but oh well. I promised myself I will learn the ADHD stuff as we go and can't panic about it.

I really like this graphic that the KP team got going! I bet this was all Erica's idea!

Totally out of order, but you get the gist. I wanted to share these on Instagram.

My extrovert brought his friends to home church because they wanted to see what church was all about. Then he set them all up to see the screen. I did NOT want to discourage that type of thinking at all. If we were going to the church campus, even before Covid, they would have stayed in the van like they have done in the past.

The Creek uses the same colors for the most part but the new Mission Statement is "Connecting People to Jesus." A bit more simple than previous mottoes. I was around when this particular logo came out and has been pretty much the same the whole time I've been around so I like it the best. And this page is supposed to be a reflection of what church area we are in or what reminds us of church so, that's why I picked it.

Fairly easy kitchen experiments. And each chapter takes two weeks so the experiments should be spread out between the two weeks with the two kids. We'll see.

Which means I need to plan something for Tuesday! Oh wait, I don't! I still have a DVD from 6 months ago that hasn't been watched yet on one of the last artists we studied! Does that count? Maybe!

Gary was out in Virginia this weekend where one of the old staff members from the Creek now preaches.

Someone gave Leah this tea towel because she always makes deviled eggs for their small group.

He may or may not approve of these on social media, but this is my online scrapbook and most parents take photos of their kids' "dorm" rooms, so that's what I did. The drum kit looks very nice right here.

I knew when I bought these that they would go well in a closet like this! I'm so smart!

Benaiah and his impulse purchases from Ollie's. I have no idea what thelogo is from but Justin was excited about it.

Aaron and Shauna's graduation gift to Benaiah was this nice laundry basket, some Mountain Dew, and Tide Pods (laundry detergent), which Leah also happened to get for Benaiah as part of his graduation gift. I love the touch with the bow and how he hasn't taken it off yet.

My girlie was looking mighty fine looking through my desk window this evening with the "golden hour" sunhine coming in from the other windows in front of her in the sunroom. Her face has cleared up some and she seems to be brushing her hair better, so hopefully, we are through the greasiest part of puberty. And the color of her shirt matches her glasses and her hazel eyes. I call them blue green hazel, and Jared's is brown hazel. I have blue green hazel as well as the other three kids technically do as well. We are just all hazel according to the BMV. The wave in her hair is all natural. She air dries her hair after combing through it. Nothing else. No product, no ponytails.

The End