The J6 Journey: Year 5, August 31st - September 3rd, 2020: Mid-Life Crisis?

Well, Monday went well. I had a 90 minute video chat with an IAHE board member and cleared up a bunch of things rolling around in my head in a very positive, mission affirming way. I won't bore you with the details right now, but basically, I am in the right place at the right time doing the right thing. That's exactly what I needed to here. And how I can support the rest of the team where it's at based on it's history. I get it now. I can relax and let me guard down and not worry so much and question everything. Staying in my lane and everyone is ok with what I'm doing. That's all that matters. But, Satan's attacks are ever so strong as well, as evidenced in some major tension in some important relationships. But, I'll cry about that later and keep it private.

Because of the video chat, our normal schedule was thrown off. We did get our morning basket done, but piano lessons did not get done. Whoops. We started our history reading AND after a bit of fighting, they all settled and stayed in their seats for it. I call that a win. At the last minute, I decided to try to have all of them in the same room and read the history lesson together. I may or may not do that every time. I think I will with Abishai and Keturah, but have Justin read on his own, I'm not sure. Maybe if it's a super important lesson, and I want to share specific things, then I'll include Justin. Afterwards, while I went over schoolwork with Keturah, I had Justin read to Abishai as a way for Justin to reread a certain picture book and for Abishai to hear it. Keturah will do another one, and I'll do the last one. That way we are all reading aloud, Abishai gets to hear about the historical people more than once, and I'm not tied up doing it all. Again, we'll play it by ear.

The boys played with the ultimate garage a lot and had a fantastic race by elimination. I left them to it instead of interrupting them because there's so much you can learn in playing like that. At one point, Keturah, Abishai and Socks went for their walk. I did not get around to Abishai's lessons today, but I'm ok with that. I plan to stay home tomorrow and do a normal day. And then run some errands possibly on Wednesday before our KP meeting.We'll see. I picked up the fireside room a bunch because all the hands on things were driving me crazy and I was afraid that the sand was going to get into the play dough and the water beads would end up in the sand, etc. Then I was able to relax and read for a little bit.

After dinner, the boys and I went to Grandpa's house for Grandpa to cut their hair. Um, let's just say, we didn't leave a tip. It's ok for now. We probably won't do it again. The boys were good sports. We'll see our regular hairdresser in 8 weeks and I'll make sure to rebook with her right away. I guess now we know and Grandpa got to scratch the itch of wanting to cut their hair. And we saved a little bit of money. The good thing is that hair grows back.

Thanks for my low pressure headache, forecast app.

I thought this was a pretty cool house and reminds me of some of the older buildings you see in BBC TV shows.

Someone found a comfy spot in Keturah's room.

Time to race!

Abishai's victory dance! Check out the video!

Jedi he is.

Abishai is looking so big lately!

Yes, I stole this from Shayla's pics. Leah had been there before I was on Saturday.

Yup, that's me on the right. Again, I barely recognize myself. Sigh.

Abishai was "packing" to go Grandpa's house. He had his rifle and scope so he could shoot some squirrels!

Before!

All that wavy hair!

Oh, I hope our hairdresser won't be mad at me later.

Before.

Always a lot of hair.

After.

After. At least their hair isn't in their eyes.

Cookie and game time at Grandma's house.

He knew exactly how to operate the blower, and even to back up and then walk forward towards the edge of the deck. He must have observed big brother doing it!

Great day at home! Lots of schooling, lots of laughs, awesome chicken soup for dinner. Yup, it was a great day!

A Facebook photo album of mine showed up as a "memories" post for a friend, so I glanced through the album and found some gems. These are from August 2011, Indiana State Fair with Grandma and Grandpa, and Ron and Nina.

Adorable! I wish they liked each other that much now, but, hey, there's hope that they will like each other again when they are in their 30's, right?

The caption read that we were moving in 9 months but I got tired of bare walls. So, I put up horse pictures. Ah, and the white bench when it was still white and not scribbled on by the daughter herself. And a nice Easter hat I see!

I wish we still had that playhouse! But we still have Guitar Praise! I can't bring myself to part with it!

8 year old Ava Thompson! This was at the Wagar's house in Trafalgar, IN. We were having a chili/barn/shooting range, all the fun stuff kind of day before they left for the mission field.

Let's see: Ava Thompson, Delaney Wagar, Wolfgang Wagar, Keturah, and Berkley Wagar.

6 yr old Justin.

3 yr old KEturah. I loved those boots! And the glasses!

Oh yes, the same clothes and shoes that Abishai just finished using.

Roar!

Cutie!

Circa 2011: First Day of School? Or probably that fall at least.

Back to 2020: Abishai, tired for his long walk to Grandpa's house where he, Keturah, and Socks spent an hour this morning. Justin was able to work in peace and I got a few things done, too!

Someone else is tired, too.

We read a quick overview of the 13 colonies in school today, so we tried to write with a feather and watered down red paint. Not the same as a quill pen, which I actually think I have somewhere, but, yeah, this works, too.

Keturah wrote her name and Justin wrote the word "Minecraft" go figure.

Abishai really enjoyed himself and wrote several capital A's and a circle and a square!

Time to scare Justin!

I have a couple of Five Iron Frenzy albums and have attended one of their concerts. They were considered "ska" with a horn section and upbeat music. At least that's what we called it in CCM.

"Take my picture, Mom!" After dinner treat of marshmallows for the kid and dog treats for the dog.

I'm tired. Can Dad come home now from being with his friends? This kid misses us when we go out to see our friends. This is the last week of my Bible study being on a Thursday, and then it moves back to Wednesdays and coincides with Justin's small group. This week, however, Jared, me, Justin, and Keturah and I are going to the Kidustrial Park annual volunteer meeting, so Abishai is going to hang out with Grandpa because Grandma is coming to the meeting, too. That's what happens when we all volunteer in a similar area. Well, it's for anyone working with anyone birth through college age. And Abishai doesn't like that idea. Sorry, kid, we can't always be together!

Wednesday was a bit rough, especially for me emotionally. Here's why. We had our annual volunteer's meeting for those working with kids at church. It was weird walking through church. I don't like the orange with the blue signs. This isn't my church's colors. I don't like all the Covid things. This isn't how I left it 6 months ago. I hate all the new policies and the extra work and my friends being stressed out about all the things. This is not living life as a family. And this is what I was going to write on Facebook, but instead, cut and pasted it here as to not offend so many people and get nasty comments.

I know it's what we are told to do. It's not any leaders, teachers, administrators of any organization's fault. And I know, Biblical speaking, we are to obey our government (in most circumstances). But, now, that these Covid policies are going to directly negatively affect my child, I'm so mad. I'm fine with wearing a mask for an hour, but to separate my child into these "pods" is not ok. Humans need touch. They need to be close. They need to interact. And some of them need more human interaction than others. We will always obey the rules when necessary, but I still don't have to like them and I will find ways to live my life where there aren't so many. This is not ok.

In the spring, I was vocal about this. Then I stopped because it ate up too much of my mental energy. It didn't mean I didn't shake my head every time I heard of it affecting other families and especially their children. I've tried to keep a more hands off approach and just let things be as they are, all the while praying for everyone, especially in the school systems. God can still bridge those gaps during learning. Maybe the outcome won't be so bad. But it's just that much harder on everyone. Straight A students are failing because they can't schedules straight due to no fault of their own. It kills me to hear that. Literally, makes my insides ache. This isn't right. It will never be right. And for how long? How long must we live like this? Not seeing each other's facial expressions? A sea of colored pieces of fabric?

I don't have answers. But I'm mad. I'm sorry people have to put up with this day in and day out. I'm grateful that we are fortunate that we don't have to. Don't argue in the comments. But I ask why? Why now? What good is going to come from this? It's totally changing even my life. My children's lives. No Kids' Choir. No direct contact with peers and leaders. How is my child supposed to get real help with his ADD? What about college? What about my 5 yr old's need to be with people? We are going to see a drastic change for the worse, and already have, the mental health of everyone, but especially our children. I'm not buying it. I will find a way to get around it and get my children what they need, what we expected for them, something. Dreams cut short. From graduation to kids' choir to even being on worship team. When will it stop? It's not fair. It's not right. I won't buy into it.

And now I finally feel what the rest of you are feeling. The anxiety is high. The mad feelings are real. Now I know why so many people have pulled their kids out of school. I feel that pain now. "No, not my kid! Don't do this to my kid!" But decisions have been made. And we will follow them. Because my kids need something other than these four walls. But we certainly can limit their time in less than ideal circumstances. And find ways around it by getting together with like minded families. That's all I can do from where I stand.

So, let me grieve, another loss to add to my long list of losses. Not just this year, but this year has lengthened that list quite a bit. It's too much. Too much pain. Too much different. Too much not right. Too much fear, mine or theirs. "Trust in God," they say. "He'll make up the difference." But I've worked so hard to make our life the best. But our best isn't good enough because outside forces thwart our plans each and every day. Satan's attacks are so strong. And it hurts me, right down to my gut.

This is socialism. This is what we've warned our kids about. This has sneaked up on us just like it has in Canada and Europe and everywhere else. When will it stop? I pray this next election cycle changes something. I'm afraid I have to vote for a straight party ticket. I don't know what else to do. I know my personal legislators at the state house and in Washington are on our side, so I haven't contacted them that much. Besides throwing the mask down and trampling it like I really wanted to do tonight, what can I do? I have to grocery shop. I have to enter doctors' buildings. I have to eventually go back to church. But I don't feel comfortable at all. Not because of the Covid-19 virus. I could care less about that stupid virus. I sure hope wearing masks and washing hands all the time reduces the number of colds and flus we have this season. I don't feel comfortable at church, period. There, I said it. It's not my church anymore. It wasn't back in 2016, and apparently, this transition has been harder on me than I previously thought. People are different. Staff is different. It feels so weird. We don't belong. We are forgotten. Life moved on here. And we've been left behind. I wish we could go somewhere else. But our children's lives are happy here. They have friends and small groups and opportunities that they can't get anywhere else, even with all the restrictions. It's me. I don't belong, and never truly have since we left in 2012.

Oh, we've tried. We've tried to rekindle friendships. We've tried to make new ones. We've tried to go along with the changes. But it's not the same. I don't like it. I don't want to go back. But if I don't, I'm sure it will affect a our family's reputation. "Well, why isn't Melinda coming? Does she hate us? Is she not a Christian anymore? Does she think she's better than us?" While some of that is slightly true, it's more than that. I felt so weird tonight. It felt so wrong. I know, I know, that's when you have to dig in and just trust the head, not the heart. Or, is it the Holy Spirit telling me something? I feel restless again. Jared and I have been fighting. I want to dream together. I want to make a plan. But he will have none of it. At least not this week, partly because he's in so much back pain again. But I think he senses it, too. In a text this week after I actually said we were "settled" he said, no, he's not settled. I know, deep down, we aren't going to stay. I don't know what that exactly means. I don't know if that means we move out of state again. I don't know if that means Jared finds another job somewhere else. I don't know if that means we change churches. I don't know.

I do know there is a chasm that is getting harder and harder for me to breach between those who think like us and those that don't. I don't have that natural passion to bridge the gap and seek the lost. I never have. I feel awkward. I feel different. I feel abnormal. I feel judged. Ok, that's a lot of feelings. Remember, my feelings are backed by logic. I analyze them to death and make sure they are not from an immediate reaction to something. In fact, when I have this immediate reaction to something like I did tonight, it scares the crap out of me. It makes me feel uneasy to be spinning out of control down the path of a strong emotion. The anger I felt rising up inside me was awful. I wasn't mad at my dear friend talking on stage. Or the other volunteers I have come to love. No. I was mad that we are all like sheep obeying the shepherd and just following along. I was mad that my dear friend not only has to cover more than her area because the other person is on maternity leave, but that she has to deal with her own family's problems AND come up with all of these new policies and that we have to learn them. Everything from "this set of limited toys is for the 9am, and then we switch those toys out with these other toys for the 11am" "oh and we can't let this baby play with this baby. and once you get your baby, you can't switch out." What if you can't handle that baby?! And we have to keep them in "pods"? That's insanely stressful for everyone! I can't do it. Maybe it's because I'm generally not very attentive in social situations because it's too much stimulus and I get distracted (which is one of the symptoms of ADD by the way), I don't think I would do a good job at any of this. It will stress me out.

It's a good thing I pretty much said I'm not coming back unless you're desperate or I can sub I guess. But, rarely do I have to be anywhere at 8:30am and when I am, my stomach is off the rest of the day because I've had to rush through breakfast. "Serve one, attend one." is the rule of thumb about working a service and attending a service. We don't know how long the 4:30 "live" version of the service will last. So, that's always an option of serving at 11 and attending at 4:30 if there was a need. But I'd be worried about the stupid policies. Thankfully, I am to the point in my life where I'm ok with 95% compliance to anyone's set of rules. I don't freak out as much as I used to about legalism. But I certainly would still try for 100%. Yeah, I think this is the clincher for me. I'll pray that Abishai will understand that he can't play with everyone in the room on a particular Sunday. I'll pray that he doesn't act up because he's with familiar teens and adults because they are combining the Kindergarten and 1st grade rooms. I'll pray that I will find other opportunities with other families where the kids can interact normally and without masks and without being in pods. And we are freaking going to have temperature checks! Like every illness presents with a fever or a fever means you have a deadly illness. Good grief. And contact-less sign in stations where you have to use a website and a QR code. And only one parent can drop off and pick up a kid, no loitering in the halls having conversations with friends because "we don't want to encourage congregating." Um, aren't we a congregation?! Isn't the whole point of getting together is being together? Our whole routine is going to change. And I hate it. Period. I hate it. Deep down to my core, I hate it and it feels like a cop out. They are just copying policies from the school system. They aren't acting differently. It's too much and I want as little to do with as possible. And that's the worst thing anyone could say when it's your friends and your loved ones that are involved and just going along with it all "because they have to."

So, in two weeks, we will go back as a family. We'll abide by the rules. But it's ridiculous, and I'm gaining absolutely no benefit, I might consider not going. If I can't talk to friends. If I can't sing without a mask on. If I can't wait in line to pick up my child and talk to his teacher and ask him about his class and turn around and say hi to another family with all their kids, what's the point? Again, this is not my friends who are on staff's fault. Their hand has been forced. They don't like it either. But it isn't good and it isn't fair. It will never be the same again. And I'm not ok with it. I'm grieving, all over again. I hate grieving. I hate feeling this hurt down in my gut. Not only am I a deep thinker, I'm now a deep feeler. And now I have a migraine from all of this. So I'm going to numb myself with a TV show. I can't even watch all the YouTube channels I normally watch. Some of it because I'm insanely jealous of one family, no, two families have their dream acreage and have the physical and monetary abilities to thrive and do all the things. Ok, a third one as well. They can get rid of things. They can paint and plant and get it all done lickity split. And all three of them homeschool. And we sit here, no retirement, doubled over in physical pain, in a rundown house full of stuff I don't want to get rid of. Half of the way raising our kids with no vision for the future. Fat, ugly, and unable to get things done. Yeah. That's how I feel. So, I ignore those channels. They are beautiful families. But I want to look like them. And everyone else who lives in a beautifully updated home that lives on one income.

That's where we are at this week. Discontented. Unhappy. Mad, even. Upset. Wandering. Lost. Very, very lost. Mid life crisis. At a crossroads. Stuck in the mud. No where to go. Lonely. Weird. Different.

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The new check in procedures at church. I tried it, but you have to be in the church's parking lot for it to work.

Somebody is registered to vote! Benaiah is a voter! Woot! Woot!

I didn't have time to go to the edge of the parking lot, but the colors were stupendous.

New mural at church. The other side has the 317 logo on it.

What the goodies in our swag bag represented.

Teens acting like they haven't been in a public building for 6 months. Oh wait, they haven't been!

These two were very giddy!

I think Keturah enjoys having the puzzle table!

Keturah kindly let this two hooligans in her room and under her bed.

Labor Day weekend marks one year since this nasty thing was done. I'm still not happy about he scarring at all. I see the dermatologist next week for my follow up. I wish I had money for plastic surgery to fix it.

It's pretty big and ugly.

From puckered skin to uneven stitches, remind me not to let a student work on the outside of me anytime soon.

The one thing I went in to get. Permanently out of stock.

Most flavorful pumpkin spice creamer I've ever had, and not artificial tasting! It's heavy price tag (probably close to $6 but I didn't care), is what I would pay for one PSL at Starbucks. And now I can enjoy multiple cups for the same price! And yes, I did chug it straight up, too! It's that good!

And Thursday was a new day. It started off really slowly, but the more caffeine I drank, the faster I went, so, we did alright in the end. Abishai, well, I'm not sure what to do about him. I'm trying every trick in the book to get him to do a few minutes of paperwork and it's horrendous. But, you can't learn how to write letters without writing the letters. Math, well, at some point, that, too, needs to be written down. I think I need to skip ahead in math because he's already been putting together some simple addition and subtraction in his head. But handwriting, we have to start doing it. I've waited long enough. And reading, it's mostly me showing a flashcard while he's wiggling around on the floor. Again, trust me, the lessons are super short, and not repetitive. I'm using games, ok hands on different techniques, not actual games, so I could try that. I don't know. The rest of his "work" is spread throughout the day and requires hardly any sitting. It's a behaviorial issue, and we give him the benefit of the doubt that it's physically impossible for him to sit still, although, he can "sit" in the chair and watch the screen for 2 hrs. So,...yes, it's been a harder week with him. That's normal for a lot of kids at this stage. I'm trying not to worry yet. Giving myself all the advice I give to others.

Jared and I did reconcile over text. It's already late, I'm not sure if we will get to any talking tonight. Maybe I can convince him to take a walk tomorrow or go on a "date" and talk. I don't know. My mind is exhausted, but I have some ideas. Not of the present situation, but topics to bring up. No solutions yet. But I've calmed down a bit, gained some perspective from my counselor, and remembering this isn't about me. He'll have fun no matter what. I'm not going to be the one to have to keep Abishai separate from others. This is just how his childhood experience will be for now. But boy am I going to hoot and holler if this lasts more than a year. I'm not putting up with it any longer than that. I guess Keturah wasn't in the first grades of elementary either here at this church because we were in Canada. She knows her Bible stuff, but, she hasn't accepted Christ as her savior yet, so, I don't know how much of that was the venue and how much of that is her, and how much of that is what events happened that last year in Canada. Hard to tell. I have my suspicions though and just hoping and praying that the next 6 yrs in this church's program helps nudge her the right way. We've brought her to the watering trough often enough. She knows it in her head. Something else and probably someone else, will be the one to reap the harvest someday. She's growing in all other areas and maturing quite nicely, especially in the last couple of months. So, we'll see.

The kids went over to Grandpa's for their Bible class while I had my counseling appointment. Leftovers for supper. Oh shoot, I just remembered we have to get groceries this weekend sometime. Grrr. We are going to the park tomorrow in Greenfield so we'll see how I feel. I know school with Abishai won't get done. I don't want to go grocery shopping. I hate it. It's too exhausting. Sigh. I've got a pile of books to read or go through or prepare staring me in the face. So, yes, probably tomorrow night is best. Poo. Holiday weekend, too, with no parties to go to. No remodeling plans. Nada. Sigh. Anyway, Bible study was fine. We are going to switch books because this current one is too much theology and not enough application. At least I know the author of the next study and trust her words. So, there's that.

The neighborhood is doing a garage sale this weekend and Gary and Leah are participating, so, I want to walk Keturah over there early enough to make sure they aren't selling something I want. I kind of want Keturah to stay there all morning with Grandma and help, so I'm going to have her take her books and give her our house key in case we don't come back before she feels she is done. Anyway, I just want to sit back and relax. I'm worn out and just want to read and play my game. I don't want to be behind on things or just on top of them. Sigh.

Justin got his birthday present 6 days early and keeps coming in to show me his progress. Dude. Stop it! I'm just as excited as he is though. Check it out below!

Fun day of the office when the audio book goes lives on YouTube.

I'll explain this one in the captions of the other photos, but most copies of this book are actually selling for $10. But who knows.

Expensive birthday gift, although he did pay for half. And all for one mini figure: The Child, aka, Baby Yoda! Yes, we preordered this thing and was told we were on the backorder list. Well, it still shipped on the first day! And, I guess they had to change the name of it in the 2nd batch because the name was already copyrighted, but we were in the 1st batch, so, we have a rarity!

Great Grandfather Glen Haydon history

Well, these photos loaded last to first. Whoops. Blogger has been giving me trouble lately, so who knows. Basically, these photos are about my Great Grandfather, Glen Haydon, on my Grandmother Valeska Howell (Haydon) side. He was the founder of the music department at UNC-Chapel Hill. THE FOUNDER. Wow! The wikipedia article said he brought tons of books and articles over from Germany before World War II and started the music library there at the school. And then he went on to write two books on musicology. He was well revered, too. I know from visiting there that the music building is named somehow after him and there's a large portrait in the foyer of the building of him. These first 3 photos are the words that 3 presentations typed up and gave at a presentation of a book to my great Grandmother. I didn't notice anywhere what her first name was though. But each paper was typed up by that person on university letterhead. So cool! I found it in the book that they gave her. Even the dust jacket talks about my great grandfather! These books came in one of the boxes my aunt sent me recently. She knows I really appreciate this stuff. No, I don't need more stuff, but this is what is left of my grandparents huge house and belongings. This is all I have. I'm sure my aunt has tons more and all the photos and things. I don't think my cousin Matthew would be all that interested in any of it, or, if he's like my brother, would entrust me to have it. We'll see.

These telegrams were also in the book! I've never held real telegrams before! It's like modern day texting!

Quite possibly my great grandmother's handwriting and the invitation to the book presentation.

Wow.

My Great Grandfather! Where most of our musical talent comes from! My Nana Valeska played instruments, my dad did, and my sisters and I do. And finally, I'm being consistent with piano lessons for Keturah and Justin. I do not have professional skills, and unless the kids are good, I probably can't take them too far. But I'm doing my best!

On the dustjacket of the book published in his honor.

So awesome!

It's a 1 1/2 inch to 2 inch thick book. This is the nitty gritty of music!

Found in this copy of his book, is a program of a Christmas Eve service my dad performed in at 10 years old! Stephen Howell there on the left. Both of my parents sang in choirs the whole lives. Mom was a tenor/bass and Dad was a tenor.

Front of the program.

What a cool old fashioned name plate! Valeska Haydon is my Grandma/Nana Howell. She was the last of my four grandparents to pass away and buried my Granddaddy and my dad before she passed away. The last time I saw her, she had the tiniest bit of dementia. I wouldn't say we were close, but I know that she appreciated my appreciation for music and the family heritage.

And here's my copy/my grandmother's copy of the $1,000 book probably given to her in her late teens in the 1940's. My Dad was born in 1950, so it has to be before that. My Granddaddy was born in 1925. I think my Nana was born in 1926. My other grandparents were born in 1910 and possible a couple of years before that. My mom was born in 1949. Which, now that I think about it, isn't that far after World War II. Which means, my aunt was born in 1937 at the end of the Great Depression and probably remembers the air raid drills in school. Wow. Oh wow. That's crazy! All these books and documents, as well as old piano books my great grandfather probably used, are safely stored in a hanging file folder box and a longer box for the really large sheet music that is falling apart. I decided not to put them on an open bookshelf because I didn't want them to deteriotate any further and get bumped into. Are the boxes aesthetically pleasing? No, but the items are safe.