Year 7, August 22nd - 28th, 2022: Rough Starts

 Monday - 

- Everybody needs Mom. And Mom just wants to quit. I'm exhausted and hurting and want to check out for the day. I want a sick day. Somebody else take over. The teens won't get up and they totally ignore my voice. Abishai needs a new math concept taught to him. I actually have IAHE emails to answer. Speech and Debate club has even more assignments to work on today and we didn't do last week's assignments, which means we are behind schedule and we are all freaking out. Jared's mad because I'm choosing the couch over the bed because I want to sleep alone. I was up until 12:30 answering emails and checking the bank accounts THEN I got to do something for myself. I was up the previous night cleaning up puke. I guess next time I'll wake him up from a dead sleep on narcotics so he can get down on all floors to clean it up while he has a fracture in his back. Now Keturah hasn't finished her homework and she couldn't do math without me, so what could she be doing in there? Oh, biology vocabulary. Yeah, that was a lot, how about you move on to something else. But really, why does she have her phone still? Oh yeah, as I type this at 11pm, her phone is supposed to be on my desk for the rest of the week because she argued with me all day and I don't see it. Stupid ADHD makes me forget to follow through on all these punishments so I can't even punish my kids right. 

- And when I don't want to move or eat or take kids anywhere, Jared still makes me do it and wouldn't even think of skipping out on his precious Bible study with his friends to help me. Nope. Couldn't be bothered to answer my cry for help. I'm just throwing a selfish temper tantrum. I mean nothing to nobody. I am in level 9 pain and I still have to carry on like I'm normal. And then when I open my mouth to complain and tell everybody that I'm still doing my duties despite the pain, I'm seen as tooting my own horn and called selfish and "holier than thou" and "God's greatest gift to humanity" in a sarcastic tone. Well, if the shoe fits. Because if it wasn't for me, this, this and that wouldn't happen, I guarantee it. So go take your "30 minute nap turned into 2 hrs" and I'll continue to do what really needs done. Don't tell me to get up at 8am when my alarm goes off. I can barely keep my eyes open. I've slept just a few hrs. You have no idea how much it hurts to open my eyes. Just enjoy your full night's rest why don't you. You can because I sacrifice everything for the whole lot of you. And what do I get in return? Absolutely nothing but disrespect and even more demands. So go away the lot of you and I'll do what I want. Figure out what your assignments are. Why should I help you, cloth you, feed you, drive you. You obviously don't need me. I quit. 

If only they wouldn't argue with me and would just listen more. And if they would just get along like this. Sigh. The good old days.

Eww, I wouldn't want to squish one of these if I leaned onto a tree branch.

Doggy, you are not helping this problem of not getting up. But you do look adorable together.

Tuesday:

- Oh crud, I have a doctor's appointment today. How am I going to fit in school? By the skin of my teeth, that's how. And I managed to teach the middles how to create folders and documents on Google, which is something I've never actually done myself, so yup, that was fun. We don't use Google for anything we don't have to because we don't trust it. My IAHE friends laughed at me because they thought I knew all about it since that's what IAHE uses and I'm like, nope. I create documents in OpenOffice and load them up to Google if I want to share it or something. And I use the documents they create or I download them and open them up in OpenOffice on my computer or in Adobe or as a PDF. I don't mess around in Google very much. I don't use Google classroom either. I don't use the Google calendar. Apparently IAHE does. Well, I write things down in my Apple calendar. I think maybe I've accepted an invite or two once in awhile. But yeah, we've never used Google stuff. Blech. And I don't like using cloud stuff in general. Actually, I didn't really think about it, but this blog is saved on Google. Yeah, duh, it's under on my gmails. And then my YouTube videos are saved under the other email. But those are also backed up on CD and the hard drive. The blog isn't saved on anything else. That makes me really nervous. Thankfully the photos themselves are saved on cd, snapfish and external hard drive, oh and icloud. I just won't have the stories saved with them. So, all the 1,000's of hours are going to be wasted. Sigh. I think about it from time to time that I should go back to regular scrapbooking. But it takes a lot of work. Or I should be making the digital to print scrapbooks. It's just you can't add long stories and lots of photos. And I can't narrow down either one of those things anymore. Sigh. Those are some thoughts for another night.

- The doctor's appointment was my long awaited dermatology appointment and it was highly disappointing. Dr. Avashi is nice enough but the only thing she said was to come in as soon as a rash appears and/or take a photo and then come in. Do you know how hard it is to get this rash to look like a rash on camera? Ugh. And then maybe try taking Zyrtec every day to get ahead of the rash so I can go out in the sun and/or deal with the heat if that's what it is. Really?! That's your answer? No rhyme or reason as to why it would appear? No mechanics of what a heat rash is? I described the water softener salt, I tried to bring up what if it's peri menopause, what if it's food related, nothing. Pretty much no response. What if the Zyrtec makes me sleepy? She said it doesn't make people sleepy. Um, it puts my husband to sleep, hello. Thanks for telling me all the things from your textbook instead of thinking outside the box. I could have read you the article from the internet and/or webmd myself. Sometimes I feel like I would be better of just self diagnosing from the web instead of taking the time to see a doctor. It's super frustrating to know more than the doctors. Do some research for me or something. Don't push the rhetoric you've been taught. Look at me like an individual. Ugh! Time to seek out a different kind of doctor. Maybe that one that someone was talking about at Mom's Night Out and that Naet thing. I've got to try something. Or I'll be itching forever. Come on. No tests? No further investigations. Nothing? She didn't even ask me if I had changed soaps or eaten something different. So weird. So frustrating. I freaking come out of the shower or go out into the sun and my body is on pins and needles and screaming in pain and you tell me to go take an allergy pill. Not nice. Just not nice. I'm going somewhere else. 2 for 2 now. I want my old doctors. They knew how to fight for me.

- Meanwhile, I've got other back pain issues I can't resolve. Lots of nerve pain. 7-8 and occasionally 9 on the pain scale. Maybe one of these days that I don't drive I'll try one of Jared's narcotics to see if that will help. Otherwise, just lots of muscle rubbing. I need to drink more water as well.

- Leftovers for dinner. And then kids and I each did a section of washing dishes since we are out of dishwasher liquid and I didn't want to stop to get some because I wanted to teach the kids. Power hour went ok. Justin got off to Rooted tonight just fine. I think the kids got some of the debate homework done. Hopefully we can get more done on that tomorrow. I feel a lot better about it already by going through it today piece by piece and setting up Keturah's folders.

- Tomorrow is the last Bible study and I still have to make a salad for it. Jared made dill refrigerator pickles with the cucumbers so I'm going to see if there were any leftovers. If not, I'll make tuna salad and crackers. He could have saved some of the cucumbers for awhile longer. I hope the pickles last ok. We will see.

That house that Jared and Jim are almost done with better be ready soon because this is not looking good. I told you the real estate market was going to pop soon.

I used to be better at following through. I just have too much to do that I have to go back on my word and say sorry, I can't do that now, more often that I would like to. I even had to do that today. I say commit to things way in advance and usually it's reasonable and then when I get closer to that date, I'm so far behind it's just not feasible anymore.

Sometimes you have to be your own doctor. I don't think my high liver enzymes are because of these causes.

Ok, yup, acetaminophen, inflammation of muscles, I've got those. The nurse also said viral infection, which I just had. Maybe fibromyalgia? But I don't think so. I'm supposed to retest in a couple of months to make sure they go back down.

My dermatologist is at IU Health which is on the campus of IUPUI downtown. I totally didn't realize it's the first week of classes! It was great to see all the students out and about walking to class! Lots of tents sitting outside welcoming students and also big signs showing kids where to go. And then I remembered, Benaiah is one of the students! He's just online of course. And then I remembered he never told us what his financial package was for the year, so I texted him. And so far, he has NO loans! He just has a small amount of cash to pay and the rest is taken care of by scholarships and grants, just like mine were when we were first married and Jared wasn't making much. Yeah! And that's with a full load of 5 classes. Woot! Woot! But yeah, it's hard to imagine all these kids are Benaiah's age. These kids are someone's babies and my baby is all grown up like them. And it wasn't that long ago that I was one of these kids (on UIndy's campus, pregnant with Benaiah). Good grief. Time flies. Go learn something, students, if you can. Not sure you will. I don't have a lot of confidence in the education system. Especially after the appointment I just had with a younger doctor and medical resident. Sigh. But try. There goes our future. Maybe something different will happen in their classrooms. I can hope a little bit I think. Maybe.

Wednesday - 

- I woke up with another migraine. I had to get up extra early to make a "salad" for our final Wednesday Bible study. I made tuna "salad" to go with gluten free crackers. I had just enough time to take a body shower and eat breakfast, yeah! But that also left me exhausted the rest of the day. I've been dragging ever since. I didn't take my extra migraine medication until supper time because I had already taken two of them this week because of the menstrual migraine. Well, I couldn't stand it any longer when Jared and Keturah started screaming at each other. I took it and then went back to my green couch and put my blanket over my head. There was no way I was going to eat dinner with those people. I don't deserve to be in the same room with screaming people. I deserve better than that. I'm just going to walk away. I don't want to be around people who treat me like trash, no matter how I treated them yesterday or a week ago. I only yelled at them on Monday because I wasn't feeling them and I had a migraine then as well and they had already pushed all of my buttons all day. I have a very, very short fuse with Keturah and Justin. The instant they start to raise their voice, I'm triggered. I just can't handle it. I can't keep my voice down. I can't deescalate the situation. I can't use the kind mom voice. I just want to match their volume and scream, too. It's a learned behavior, especially when I have a migraine distracting me. So, I must walk away. I must ignore. I must NOT respond. Except then they will ignore me and go back to playing on their phone instead of doing their chore. I guess I just have to calmly repeat myself if they say why. "Time to vacuum." "When I finish this episode." "Time to vacuum" "Let me finish." "Time to vacuum" "Leave me alone!" "Time to vacuum." "Go away!" "Time to vacuum" "I'm going!" "Time to vacuum." I could try that. I could just be an annoying alarm clock that they can't shut off. Sigh. It still takes a lot of effort and I don't have time to stand in her doorway, but I could try.

- Then the other one, who likes to yell at me the instant he comes in the door or I go to him while he's playing a video game. The one who doesn't tell me when he comes home or when he leaves. The one who squeals his tires so the whole neighborhood knows he has pulled in the driveway because he's still confusing the gas pedal with the brake pedal and therefore I'm not sure if I can trust him to drive all the way to Greenfield or not wit the truck. Yeah, him. Justin. The one who can't pay his insurance bill on time despite having 3 paychecks for the month already. Ahem. It's due as soon as the 2nd paycheck hits. It's due BEFORE you pay CVS any money for snacks. AHEM. It's due when you pay Grandpa his $25. Where's my money?

- Oh my eyes hurt. They have hurt all day. It's the lack of sleep. It's the migraines. It's they trying to keep them open yet I need to look at a screen. I've been on the bring of crying all day because of the pain in my head and the pain my my back from sleeping on the couch. I've chosen to sleep alone because I don't want to be touched because I don't feel good. But the back pain is now at a level I can't bear anymore. Sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice. It's all I ever do. And what good does it do? My kids are selfish and brats, willing to serve at church and not at home. No perfect angels here. I can't even type anymore. I just want to sleep. I'm so tired, itchy, and hurting. No one or thing can offer me hope. I have no hope in anything. I just want to cry. Everyone else can find hope in Jesus. I'm just miserable. Am I really where I need to be? What if I'm being punished more for leaving Indian Creek too soon and not waiting long enough? What if  I cut my bridges too soon? Why can't Jared listen to my church? Should I ask him? But he's so stubborn. I'm probably wrong. I'm always wrong. And now I'm suffering the consequences. But I like this church. And I can't go back. I would have to apologize and make amends. I don't want to do that. I enjoy this new church. I love these new people. Sigh. I don't know how to break the ice with Jared without it all being my fault. I don't even know whose fault it is. I was just saying mean things because Monday was a rough day. And I needed help. But by crying out and giving up, I pushed him away. Because he shuts down. He's not used to the meltdowns. And he plays the martyred wimp. He went onward to see his friends and ignore me. What a punk. I was left feeling neglected. As always. And he hasn't said a word to me since. More than 48 hrs. Silent treatment. Sigh. Whatever. I'm not worthy. I'm not allowed to be at my wit's end. No meltdowns for a grown adult. Not allowed. Just have to move on and put the big girl panties on and drive the kid to Tang Soo. Yuck. Thanks a million. 

- I just don't want to be yelled at. I want cooperative help. Thanks.

I picked up the library books Abishai ordered under his library card. He's devouring them already! He said he is reading some of the words.

He wanted to make this today and was so excited until he tasted it. It did not taste good to him. I agree. The chocolate flavored sauce on top was gross so I threw that away. The whipped cream and chocolate pudding in this one was much butter than in the Twinkie flavored one, so we'll try to keep eating that. Justin ate the rest of the bowl. I can eat a few bites at a time. But it's all regular milk based, so my stomach can only handle so much of it. At least it looks pretty.

First night of sparring with his new gear! Aw...and I think I see a little preggo belly on Miss Dana, too! (on the left with the red belt). That's Teacher Nathan in front of Abishai, Miss Dana's husband.  Keep your eyes on Teacher Nathan or your sparring partner!

Thursday - 

- Finally, a day completely at home! So I turned off all my alarms and did not rush to get up. I think it was closer to 9:45 when I looked at the clock. And I actually did not have a headache for the first time all week! I know my headaches are linked to sleep deprivation. But, when else do I get time to myself? I just spent two hours cleaning out Justin's email inbox for him. Ok, I guess I didn't have to do that. But it was so satisfying. And now I can help him keep up with it again. He had to upload it on my computer so he could use Google docs for the Debate and Speech classes. So I was taking a peek to make sure there was nothing sinister in his email from the last couple of years and I wanted to make sure he got the assignment right. He definitely got the assignment correct, so he was paying attention to what I did with Keturah's email and Google docs the other day. That will serve him well in the future if other classes or jobs require him to use Google in this way. He also spent some time on answering the questions, too, which we were going to do on Saturday, so that's a plus. Phew! I thought we were going to be so behind! But Keturah, he and I have tried to chip away at the assignments 15-30 minutes every day and I think we've got a lot of it handled. I need to affiliate with the national debate organization and go through some of the manuals but I'm not terribly worried about that. Notebooks are set up and the first assignments are underway. And his email was mostly junk stuff that hadn't been deleted. It's all organized and deleted now. He'll be able to sort his important email from now on and delete the rest. It was mostly old notifications from when he looked into using Facebook and Twitter and when he did livestreams on YouTube. And gaming accounts like Twitch, Steam, Nintendo, Playstation, etc. Very innocent stuff. So, not exactly the most productive thing I should be doing, but, it will help set him up for later.

- Abishai protested again with his schoolwork, but he also got it done in time to watch the newer Tron reboot. He said it was a little weird like I told him it was. And then he watched Incredibles: 2 with Daddy after Tang Soo Do and ended up coming back out after bedtime because he was scared that the Mommy and Daddy had gotten hurt by the bad guys. Sigh. He said he conquered one of his moves at Tang Soo Do, one of the kicks I think. And he got to see Uriah's dog, Cooper, who we saw on a video with Uriah's girls saying, "Cooper, (goes), blah, blah, blah." He thought it was a funny video, so he liked seeing Cooper the dog tonight, too.

- Ugh, totally sidetracked, again, now it's 11:50pm. Whatever. Justin is going to drive out to Greenfield for the first time in the truck so he can go with Tom, Kellie, and Kya tomorrow all day. That leaves me with Abishai only to go to park day with. He says he doesn't want to go, but it's the park with the gaga ball pit and the better splash pad. But he hasn't wanted to play in the splash pads so I don't know. I'll wait and see how things go in the morning, especially now that I'm late finishing up. I had a few more things I wanted to do this evening, like order library books for history. Sigh. Park day doesn't start until 2pm anyways. The weather should be perfect. And since it's in Greenfield, we should have a good turnout. And we don't have anything on Saturday, so, I should have time then to catch up on anything. We'll see.

- Oh, and I finally went outside to check the pool since the kids haven't been in all week again. The algae is growing again, which means all their hard work is undone. And someone didn't leave the filter running either. Ugh! Don't turn off the filter! Dummies! There's tons of stuff on the bottom again! We'll be closing it down in a few weeks, but still. Not nice! My dreams of having the older kids out there enjoying it with Abishai is all going to pot, too. And I can't be out there when the water is too cold and the sun is hurting my skin. And Jared can't get in when his back is hurting. Whatever. All the kids want to do after school is those darn screens. It makes me so mad. I begged and begged for a pool. They loved to swim they said. I try to provide for them. And then, they won't use it. Invite some friends over. Something. I was trying to get a handle on the chemicals before I invited people over. Hopefully I will be better at it next year with a routine and maybe we can get a stronger filter system so the vacuum will work better. I'll get there. Just add this to my failure list. It's just how I've felt this week. One big flop of a failure. Sigh. I think I will drown my sorrows in some sugar now. I'm hungry. Midnight snack time.

Big discussion today because President Biden announced that he's signing into law or what have you loan forgiveness for college loans, $20,000 I think for undergraduate and $10,000 for graduate and doctorate. I'm not sure of the details. But I wrote about my personal opinions and how I don't understand how anyone could still be paying off loans well into their retirement years. Or even at our ages. Maybe we are a special case. Maybe I had a lot of academic and need based scholarships. Maybe because Gary paid for all of Jared's undergrad and graduate studies. And I was able to pay of what little debt I had with my parents' life insurance money. I don't know. But Benaiah just told me he didn't have to take out any loans for this school year either. His FAFSA worked out that he has to pay a little bit in cash like we did when we were first married. I was a commuter student with a high GPA and a very low income like Benaiah's. I went to a private university full time. His school is technically a public school but he's online and not needing a dorm and food and all that, but he's a full time student. So yes, even 20 years later, college can be done without debt. You just have to think it through a bit more. Or do something like this, trade school, where you earn your way through. And then I saw from a friend how unChristian like people like I am are being because every 7 years God forgave debt in the Bible. Uh, ok. This isn't the Old Testament anymore. And I can't afford to pay for some kid's college degree especially if they felt like fooling around and now they can't find a job to pay their own debt. It's not debt forgiveness. Somebody is actually going to pay for it in the long run. And that's us other taxpayers. The universities aren't taking a pay cut. They already got their money. And the banks will get theirs, but just on a time delay. So no, honey, I'm not being mean. I just refuse to pay for someone else's poor choices. And if you want to come back at me for when we used the loan forgiveness thing on a short sale of the Beech Grove house, yes, we got to take advantage of not being hit with the taxes of selling that house at a significant loss. We owed $100K on that house and it sold for $30K. The taxes and all that would have been a nightmare. But, we also paid the consequences for it because our credit was absolutely ruined. More than 10 years worth of great credit. So how did we get a loan for this house? We didn't. We had help from a family member who paid for us and we are paying them back. We pay our debts. And we paid my student loans. And we paid any car loan and credit card we have ever had. And I'm freaking out over a $2,000 Amazon credit card balance right now, which is our only debt besides the mortgage on the house. Because debt is bad. And our kids know it. That's why Benaiah doesn't have a car loan or student loan. That's why Justin is using the truck. We aren't the ones who were dumb with our money, even back in the day of college. I worked hard to get a high GPA and get academic scholarships so I wouldn't have loans. I am not paying off someone else's loans because they choose to be stupid in college and not have a job or they went to a big university and stayed on campus instead of commuting from their parents' house or they didn't take a gap year to figure themselves out first. #notmyproblem Sorry, not sorry. It has nothing to do with being a good Christian or not.

Jared tried to sweeten me up by leaving this for me for breakfast. He had made some fudge the other day, but whipped up the cream this morning while I was sleeping.

Jared also finally made the pickles he was talking about for the last two weeks from all the cucumbers people had given us. Look at how long those spears are! But that's what Abishai wanted, so, there ya go! Jared's first attempt at his own refrigerator pickles! There's another jar in the other fridge, too!  And we still have cucumbers to spare!

More photos from sparring night. Nice kick Abishai! He is getting his kicks higher now.

Abishai took one to the chest!

I shared this with the family and said if Leah didn't want whatever hip or knee surgery she needs, Gary could get her this cool ride. It's even e2 green! Lol!

Friday - 

- Coffee and insomnia hit again, hard, last night. I didn't sleep until probably close to 5am. Actually, I turned off the computer at 4am saying to myself, "Wow, I better go to bed because Jared's alarm clock goes off at 5am and he better not catch me still awake." So I slept on the couch despite knowing my hip was going to hurt because of it. I had found great relief the night before sleeping in the bed just for that one night. I need my bed. But when I feel moody and undeserving, I don't want to be near anyone, so the couch gets me. Thus I've been in pain all week. I did hear Justin get up and leave to drive out to Greenfield to go with Tom, Kellie, and Kya today to seem some tractors, old cars, and cool old stuff. And of course Abishai gave me lots of hugs and kisses to wake me up. He said Daddy had made me a yummy again, so that was nice to wake up to. By the time I did get up though, the whipped cream was melty and the chocolate wasn't firm anymore and I was left with putting it all away again, but ok, fine, whatever. Jared expects that I will get up soon, and well, I'm not, so I guess it's my own fault. I just wish he would take the time to put things away, too. Sigh.

- Justin didn't come home until 7pm because the event they went to was 2 hrs away. But he said they had fun. He was tired and didn't want to talk much but he was impressed by a cool old washing machine thing that could press out the stains between two pieces of metal. It was like Conner Prairie in a way but after seeing Kellie's photos, it was more like the 1930's or so. But anyway. Justin did drive the truck to and from Greenfield for the first time without any issue, so that made everybody's day much, much easier. Yeah! Freedom! He says he needs to get gas soon, but he's also broke somehow. I have no idea how. He's had three paychecks. One of them was a short week or something. And he owes us car insurance money. I keep telling him he needs a second job. But he thinks he will magically get more hours or more per hour or something. Um, no. You need more hours by getting a second job and giving up video games, buddy, i.e. working in the evening like normal kids your age. If you can't make your financial obligations, then you have to change something. Sigh. I'm about to take away his debit card so he can't stop at CVS anymore. It's getting a bit ridiculous. In one year he needs to be working full time or going to college. That's the reality. So how about it? Hm?

- Speaking of school, Abishai was a pain in the rear again today. So he was grounded from screen time. I then made him and Keturah go outside for 30 minutes regardless of their screentime. They ended up playing in the pool for more than that. They didn't care if there were floaties in it or not. It was kind of cold though with the air temps only in the lower 80's again. We haven't had an August heatwave. I couldn't stand it outside of course. Despite wearing long linen pants and long sleeve shirt and staying in the shade, I still felt the pricklies of the sun right through me. I had to go inside much sooner than I wanted to because I couldn't stand it. I never would have made it through the Israel trip. It makes me so sad and so angry. But anyway. 

- Abishai still didn't finish his homework until after supper and did his math with Daddy. Daddy has more patience for him sometimes and went over details about how to write an 8 and how to set up the problem. I still just set it up for him and think "I'll someday go over how to write an 8 correctly" but then never get to it. Maybe Daddy should be the one to homeschool and not Mommy. Not a great confidence booster for Mommy. But at least now maybe Abishai will get his 8's looking right. 2 weeks of school done, lots more to go. Keturah got most of her stuff done, but I had to tweak how she studies. She won't slow down and guesses half of the time. "I don't need to watch the video, I know what I'm doing." Then why did you get all these problems wrong? Watch the video! Same with her vocabulary. She's studying it the same way she did last year and still couldn't tell me some of them after two weeks. Time to actually write them out and use flash cards like a normal person does. Quit memorizing who is who in the Pirates movies and do what you are told. Sigh. I told her 5 times in a row to walk around the pool to look for goggles so Abishai could get them from the bottom of the pool. She did not budge. It's like they are all deaf to me. Hard of hearing. Refuse to listen. 

- Just like a lot of adults in my life don't listen to me either and therefore I refuse to speak to them. Other adults can do the talking. Or the kids can be the ones to communicate with them about their needs. From mowing and Bible class and vacations to if they need my address or RSVP or help. They can contact me and I'll give them an answer. I'm not going to initiative and triple check that they got the message correctly and send out reminders. If they don't hear me, it's not my fault. They've all learned to tune me out. And sometimes I think God has tuned me out, too. But I did hear something from social media today that we are human BEings and not DOings. If we are so used to DOing and being in fight or flight mode that when we start to be safe and then feel unsettled because of it, it's ok. Just recognize it. Just BE. Sit with it. You are actual SAFE. You don't have to do anything. You don't have to fight or flight or flee. So, I'll try to do that and see how it feels. Maybe that's the peace part of life that I don't understand. That everything is actually ok. I don't have to work right now. Just stop and do nothing. Stare at the wall. It's ok. I've been intentional and working so hard for so long that I don't know how to sit still and do nothing. It goes against my nature. I have to learn to lean back and do nothing. But I also have to shut off all the distractions, and that's hard because I do have to stay connected with my job. So, anyway.

- I'm exhausted. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I should do some computer things. IAHE emails and ordering MOH books and speech homework with Keturah. Maybe groceries. We are almost out of peanut butter. We are out of bread. And I just don't want to care. I want someone else to care for once. If my family doesn't care to listen to me, why should I care about listening to them and their needs. I have food. I can find all kinds of things to eat. I do need some meds, so yeah, I guess I need to go at some point soon. But when? I don't want to make the big haul. It's too tiring. No one eats what I buy anyway. Abishai only eats Pb&J and hot dogs and a couple of kinds of vegetables. Keturah complains about everything I buy and makes. Justin is less picky, sort of. Why can't Jared take them all to the grocery store? Why do I need to go? They can make their own menu plan and they can pick it all out. Then they can't complain. I don't even know what the bank account looks like because the website updated and Jared used a different password or something and I can't get in and Quicken is several days behind. Ugh. Sigh. It kind of all sucks right now. You all figure it out. I'll just sit around and do nothing like you all do and wait on my supper to be made. You make supper while you are hurting and feel like garbage. Yup, whatever. I'm done.

This year especially, I think my body will appreciate the cooler weather. I just hope the apples have waited for us this year. I keep forgetting that Indiana apples come on starting in August.

I made one of those meals from the box things for supper. A little bit of lime and garlic sour cream, fresh tomato, onion and lime pico de gallo to go on tacos.

Ground pork and green pepper with onion and garlic for tacos. They have soft wheat tortillas, I have my blue tortilla chips of course. And now I'm hungry again.

My breakfast. GF brownie and chocolate fudge with homemade whipped cream.

Look, Mom, what I can do with Daddy's back flip table! Daddy said I could use it! Goof ball.

I don't think I can pull this one off, but it sounds wondeful.

I told him to go outside and he was grounded from electronics because he was acting up during school work time. I had had enough. He got his teeball set out and figured out the right angle to hit the ball to make it fly up and go far. Well down!

I think karate has given him good posture and positions for any sport now.

And back at it in the pool, of course. Keturah told him he had to go in the pool with his pjs on or else she wouldn't play with him. He obliged under peer pressure. Keturah can be quite the bully sometimes. She did get in trouble of course.

His float time is getting much longer!

Our bamboo forest.

Abishai taking a nap on a raft.

Happy national dog day to the best dog ever, Socks!

A friend has been sharing her photos from her trip to PEI, and she had visited the east end's lighthouse that looked very similar to this one, so I brought up this one, which is similar in color and scope.

Daddy makes the best parent helper. Sometimes, they do want Daddy to help. Not Mommy, the teacher.

Justin is finally on his way home from Kya's house. He was out there all day, actually at a festival 2 hrs north of there.

Aha! Caught red handed at CVS on the way home! Justin, your bills are due! Bills first, then fun money at CVS.

Jared found this Corvette 7 in a parking lot at a dealership he was at today. He was meeting with some friends to discuss something else, and not about cars. But this of course is something he can dream about of course.

Saturday -

- I'm just wrong, dumb, and stupid. Jesus taught on the forgiveness of debt apparently when he said it was the year of the Lord's favor. Or something like that. Because the rich loaned money to the poor with excessive interest rates, the poor would never be able to pay it back. And some rabbi or rabbis did away with the Mosaic law of loan forgiveness every 7 years, so then the poor were now in slavery to this rich people in the time of Jesus. So, Jesus was calling for debt forgiveness or return to some form of it. Or for rich people not be taxing the poor among you more like it. Duh. Seriously. And because I can't argue logically enough in the open air conversations (maybe I will how to do that better through the kids' speech and debate classes), I screw up. I'm just a screw up. All day long.

- Today I used the tab key to auto fill in information to get Justin signed up for the ACT and it put in Abishai's name and now I can't sign Justin up because I can only fix it via the phone via regular M-F hours. So I couldn't finish that project. Everybody had to scrounge for dinner because I refused to cook again after cooking dinner last night and only 3 of us ate it. The milk was spoiled for Justin this morning because it took long for him to get to the second gallon. I don't want to go grocery shopping and I can't even get through my home to do list, and I'm not out of food for myself, and they all complain about what I buy and there's "nothing" for breakfast, lunch, or dinner so why bother go to the grocery store for them and waste my time and energy so they are all on their own. I've looked forward to Bugfest at Southeastway for a whole year and no one wants to go. Jared doesn't want to deal with the heat and crowd and his back. Abishai won't go without Daddy. Keturah has rehearsal until 2. I didn't even both ask Justin because he didn't get any screen time until tonight because Kya came over. And I'm not going to go by myself because of the heat and crowds and my stupid skin. A whole stinking year to try to make a family memory and it's screwed up. I had a dozen things on my list to do today. I got 3 completely done. Showers. The kids cleaned up the weeds and branches they left between the pool and the trampoline that had become overgrown. And a load of laundry. Abishai didn't get a proper bath but he did play in the pool. Keturah did go outside with her bow and arrow. I narrowed down the dates for the ACT and SAT. I ordered a bunch of stuff on Amazon because shopping solves everything when you're mad. I caught up on my Bible reading and played my video games because I'm great at my video games. I can't access the bank accounts because TCU updated their website and the old password won't work. Jared's not talking to me so he won't tell me the password. My mother in law thinks she needs a huge pat on the back just because she spent 3 hrs today on tomorrow's dinner. Wahoo. You get your gold star for the day and another jewel in your heavenly crown for being a great hostess. And I get a pile of crap because that's what I can't bring myself to feed my ungrateful brood today. Yeah, you win. If you have to tell us you spent 3 hrs on dinner, you are not being humble. You are bragging and looking for praise. So stop it.

- Yeah, that about sums up our day. I'm a great big sour puss. I'm in a funk. I want to cry at every turn. I'm pretty much done with the life I'm living right now. I want a different life, a different family, a different house, a different body. I don't know what to do with the one I got. Any effort I put in is meaningless. I just feel like King Solomon, "Meaningless, meaningless, everything is meaningless."

- And then there are people in the world who question my intelligence and my faith. And oh boy, they better watch out when I'm in this mood because it's going down. Like this stupid loan forgiveness thing President Biden is doing. Or kids getting free lunch at public schools. Or anything else that has a political slant to it. I know what I believe. I know what Scripture says. I know how to do think. Stop saying I'm not a Christian because I believe blah blah blah about something. You insult me when you say that. And then some other person told me to put my kids in public school because she saw me say that I'm behind. I'm behind in my housework. I didn't say they are behind in their education. I might have said I'm behind in what I want them to do perhaps, but they are not behind their peers at this stage. They are way ahead of their peers. Ok, maybe it was about Justin. Justin is behind with driving and getting a job. But in all reality, he's not even that behind. Define "behind." He's behind where I want him to be. He's behind where his brother was. He's not even 17. Many people don't get their license or a job until later. But we've set some goals and standards and I'm pretty pushy. I'm very pushy. And I'm the one who has to wrestle with it and let go. He needs to realize he can't buy Playstation bucks. He just told me he has $40 to his name after all these months. $400x7 mos equals $2,800. Taking out tithe even, he should have a crap ton of money. He needs to disconnect his debit card from his Playstation account and give me his debit card. He can have his debit card back once he has paid us in full. That's going to be the new rule. I know exactly what he is doing, because I've just started doing it more and more with my phone games. You want to get to the next level and so you buy the next set of gear to get there. It's like a gambling habit. It's part of the addictive nature those with ADHD can have. We have to put safeguards in place. I can be one of the safeguards. And for myself, I just have to have more self control. I don't have self control when I'm mad. That includes binge watching, eating sugar, money, or anything that causes self harm. I try to meet a need with the wrong things. It's an anxiety issue. All wrapped up in who I am. But fortunately, I am an adult, and I do need my debit and credit cards linked to my accounts for convenience for actual transactions, so I have to behave and find other ways to make it work. Today's been a bad day. My bank accounts will show it. Less than $100 on Amazon. But about double I normally spend on Apple on video games in a week or month. So, not horrible in the grand scheme of things, but not what I should be doing either.

- Now, nothing else to say because we didn't do much else. Jared did more painting in the little bathroom. He and Abishai played Minecraft. Kya came over because her parents went to the lake. Keturah did her normal lounging in bed. Typical Saturday for us. Boring. Very boring. Because I have a family who doesn't do much or go anywhere. Oh yeah, and Justin said he doesn't want to go camping so he didn't ask his boss about it. So now he gets to be the one to disappoint his grandparents tomorrow. At dinner he said he didn't clear it with his boss and he omitted the part about not wanting to go. And I said, tomorrow, you are going to say both reasons. Do NOT forget the real reason you don't want to go. And this whole Michigan trip has turned into a nightmare. I was excited to go and then learned it wasn't just us so I said no. Then Jared said no. Then Jared got hurt and really couldn't go. And because we couldn't go, Abishai didn't want to go. So there went a quiet weekend at home without kids. And now Justin doesn't want to go, so yeah, totally unromantic weekend. And a huge lost opportunity to spend time with their grandparents for once and get out of the house and do something fun with other people. Only Keturah still wants to go. And I guess Benaiah, too. I wanted the kids to go together because they hardly ever do anything with Benaiah. And he doesn't even know if he can take off all of Christmas break. These trips are going to be so rare. We only got one evening together in July. I give up. I've tried so hard to be a family that does things together like Gary and Leah and their boys. Maybe I let the kids make too many decisions. But it's because I got too tired of the pouting and whining and it ruining my time of being there. And I just wanted a weekend alone. And now, we won't be. But it doesn't matter anyway because we aren't even talking.

 - It's been in some ways the worst week ever. And next week looks like to be the same. I might as well pack myself up and find a hotel to go to myself. Or some pretty little cottage in the country and be myself. It's obvious that the family doesn't care enough about me. No one hears my voice and all they ever do is complain at me about everything. My opinions don't matter. What I try to do doesn't matter to them. All my plans (which I've tried to ask God to put in my heart instead of them being just my plans) fall apart. Any and all of my dreams come apart. I'm a failure at all that I do. I can't even argue on Facebook anymore. I don't want to read. I don't want to watch videos on important topics. I don't want to do anything important. Meaningless, meaningless, everything is meaningless.

Abishai and Daddy spent a lot of time working on this Lego project today. I'm not even sure what it is. It looks like some kind of base for Lego guys. But maybe the guy on top killed the rest of the bad guys on the bottom. Hm,....And yes, this tray table got set up in the living room after Jared's accident and then it never went away. So Abishai has yet another surface for his Lego creations. At least he hasn't taken over the kitchen table again. And the floor is clear of Lego at the moment.

Sunday - 

- Everybody made it to church today, yeah! Jared still went to first service only, and Abishai decided to only go to 1st service as well. Then they went to Aldi. I was tired of the family complaining about how much I was spending at the grocery store and what I was buying, so I had requested that Jared, Keturah, and Justin go to the grocery store soon because they were out of milk, eggs, and bread at the very least. Well, Jared went with only Abishai, which, in hindsight wasn't very smart because now I look like the bad guy because he's not really supposed to be lifting anything until his back fully heals. He got the job done but I could tell he was in a lot of pain later this afternoon. That wasn't my intention. He could have waited until this afternoon and gone with Keturah after she got back from worship team rehearsal. Or, one of them could have gone with him to Meijer after Abishai had gone to bed or something since it's open 24/7 or after Bible study tomorrow night. I guess when I had requested it yesterday, I didn't realize that Keturah had rehearsal today and Justin had the pool party for youth group today. But it doesn't matter. I have to figure out these things all the time, too. That's the whole point. Jared did get a lot of the basics, so at least we won't starve, or I should say, they won't starve, and I still have my own stuff I need to eat up anyways. I'd like some of my bread, but I can pick up something when I go get my meds on Tuesday.

- I went to New Pal of course and we finished up Daniel, finally! Then we'll be going through a few different things like Psalm 103, a mission/vision sermon, Jude, a few one off sermons, and finally start Matthew in December right in time for the birth of Christ of course for Christmas. Meanwhile at Indian Creek, today started off a new sermon series on sexuality. I did tune into it because I need to make sure the kids don't have any questions about what is said. They shouldn't. There's a whole separate webpage of information about what the preachers have studied, books people can read, articles, YouTube videos, extra conversations they are going to offer, and all kinds of stuff. They are doing all the right things and covering all the details. It's actually what I've been wanting to hear from a church for years and years. I'm really excited about it. It's so embarrassing for the older generation for sure. I feel bad for them. They don't want to talk about it. But we have to. We can't sweep it under the rug. In fact, our generation does talk about it. But not in a Biblical way. We have to make it this clear to the congregation otherwise our generation won't know and they've gotten it all wrong because the only influence they've had is sex ed in the classroom. Their parents didn't tell them. They couldn't talk about it because most topics weren't a thing back then. And even the topics our kids have to talk about weren't a thing when we were kids. I only know it because it's a talking point with why parents pull kids out of public school and it's a big deal to me, especially with Keturah and Benaiah. And that's the other thing. I need to make sure those two aren't triggered. Benaiah should be fine and if he and Ava haven't adhered to what they know is true, then they will be convicted. I can't control their behavior. I know when I heard sermons at their age and Jared and I were dating, it would convict me about us. Justin is pretty innocent and has learned from his big brother what not to do, but if there's any gaps, he should pick it up now and it will be reinforced. But he will have already heard a bit more from his Indian Creek small group as well as I think from Pastor Rex, too. And we've talked more than I ever talked with Benaiah and Ava. But, yeah, I just have to keep an eye on Keturah. And I'll give Amy a heads up when we see her next. I'm praying this series clarifies any confusion Keturah might have of her own sexuality, and I'm praying that it doesn't make her feel like she's damaged goods or any less than perfect. I think she's ok, but I'm always on the lookout for that stuff.

- But the words that Dan used today were words that you can't even use on YouTube without getting censored, let's just put it that way. It was quite interesting. Ok, it wasn't that bad, but it was making me feel uncomfortable and I've watched hours upon hours of videos from all ends of the spectrum on these issues. I've never heard anyone say these words in public never mind from a church pulpit before. He primarily used one source today, and I feel like it was the book that Jared had me read one time, but I couldn't find it on our shelf today, written by an Anglican preacher who is gay but doesn't act on his desires. I knew everything Dan said and agreed with it all. And I don't think there's anything that's going to be new or shocking in the whole series for me because I'm quite familiar with the topics listed, but I'm not looking to find areas of disagreement. I'm looking to see if I've missed the mark somewhere and to make sure the kids understand what they are hearing and fill in any definitions or confusing bits. Again, I don't think we'll find anything major because I have been pretty forthcoming since what happened in 2016 but just in case, I want to be triply sure. That's how important I believe these topics are. Everything from transgenderism to pornography to marriage to LGBTQ, etc. All of it.

- If only Jared and I were on speaking terms right now and could talk about it. But I did pinpoint my problems yesterday and articulated it to him via text today. He of course mocked me instead of sympathized with me. I get no respect, no one listens to me, and I mean no one. Benaiah even called me petty and selfish when I said, "thanks for ditching us at lunch." And he knew full well he drove past me on his way to meet up with someone and he didn't stop to say why he was leaving. I hadn't seen him in two weeks. He could have at least stopped, rolled down his window, and told me where he was going. Rude. No respect for his mother. Thanks a lot. I guess he figured Grandma would tell me. But still. He can tell me himself. Or text me sometimes. Or call me. Or include me in his life. Never mind that everybody was busy and we couldn't go to Bugfest at Southeastway today, something I had been planning to do for over a year. Anyway, then Keturah started to argue a ton while making sandwiches for debate club tomorrow and I literally balled up my fist and wanted to hit her. Wow. How did I get so angry? I told her to just go. I couldn't reason with her or get the words out fast enough to argue. She was taking way too many dried apricots and being selfish with her appetite again, out of a brand new bag of them, after she had made 2 sandwiches! After she had argued about what lunchbox to use! I hadn't even seen her all day and the only interaction with her was a negative one. And she was wearing her new worship t-shirt to boot! I mean, come on! Don't go serving at church and then stand in my kitchen and treat your mother like trash. I just cannot stand this crap any longer!

- Then Justin comes home frustrated and yelling at me, too. He had started out to the pool party in the truck, but then it had started to pour rain and he slipped in the roundabout at Thompson and Franklin, so he got stuck in traffic up on the curb or something in the way of oncoming traffic. He was embarrassed but got it unstuck before Jared could get to him. Jared had just laid down with ice packs and it had taken a lot of effort to get up, but Jared was very patient with him and told him he was glad Justin hadn't been hurt and that the truck was ok. Justin was shaken up though and asked to use my car. Ok, that was fine. So he goes to the pool party. Well, Justin gets in my car to come home and it won't start. The battery is dead. Apparently he just sat there for a long time until the youth leader came over and helped him jump start it with a portable starter. So Justin was super embarrassed for a second time. And he blames me because I knew the check engine light was on. Well, we've had issues with the hot weather before and the engine light was on, so I didn't think it was a huge deal and I knew I was close to getting an oil change and thought it was something like that. And it had been running fine. I asked him if he left some lights on or something and he said no. So now, I have no idea if my vehicle will even work in the morning to get us to our first day of debate club. We have to leave by 8:15. But point is, he yelled at me. It's all my fault. Well, sorry, it's just a car. How was I supposed to know. It was fine when I drove it this morning. Whatever.

- And then it took forever to get kids to pack lunches and pack books to be ready to go so early in the morning. Somehow they've forgotten how to do all that since our last Monday co op days or even last year with ASL. Keturah was like, "What do I need to bring? Why do I need notebooks? Why do I need a pencil?" Because it's an all day class! Duh! You packed enough lunch for lunch and dinner. Stop thinking about your stomach and start thinking about your head. Sigh. Abishai didn't want to put his school books in his backpack. I had to remind him that was the whole point of buying the back pack. Keturah wanted to use the Pokemon lunch bag. And I'm like, um, no, I still need to get to know these people. First impressions are important, you are not bringing Pokemon and embarrassing me in front of the youth pastor's wife from New Pal. Um, no.You're in 9th grade, grow up. It's one thing for me to have to do the Princess one as a leftover from you kids. It's another for you to have Pokemon, which is the wrong focus and this is a super serious club. Act like it. We are going for maturity here. We'll have to buy her a lunch box at some point. Just bring a plastic bag and you're fine. My word.

- It's been a long day. And I have to go to bed early. Thankfully, the roads to get there are easy. Take Thompson out to 600 W and straight north until you reach Mt Comfort United Methodist Church, which is right near the Mt. Comfort airport (now just the Indy Regional Airport.) Easy! I just have to stay awake though. I've got the coffeepot ready to go to take some coffee with me. I just hope we get up early enough!

When trying to think what we could do this week for fun that wouldn't be too hot, I looked up Newfields, the art museum. It's free on the first Thursday of the month! I was also thinking up places I could go by myself that would be safe and quiet and not cost a lot, besides the library. Having an overnight stay at a bed and breakfast sounds nice, but also having to interact with people and telling them your food preferences and so on is not fun, plus cost. Or doing an AirBNB but lately around here the crime has been atrocious and I'd be scared stiff out in the woods by myself. So I was trying to think of somewhere I want to go but the kids don't want to go. And I don't have to do the whole thing at once. I could go back every month and just do one section at a time for an hour. Parking is free. There's not a lot of people coming and going. And those that do go are quiet. So, it's just an idea. And I was poking around on the website and with the Access Pass, it's only $2 on the other days as well. I don't know if I have to have a kid with me or not for that. I'll have to do some investigating.

Jared left the front door open so Socks was having grand time sunbathing.

I'm so sad no one wants to go or they can't go! I have been planning on going for over a year! Jared didn't want to go with crowds and with his back. And then Abishai of course wouldn't go without him. I can't do the heat for no good reason. Keturah had worship team rehearsal, Justin had a pool party. We did the homeschool field trip last year for Bugfest but we haven't done the big deal Bugfest since 2011. I wanted to see the big Venus fly traps!

To quote the very pregnant mom in Emperor's New Grove (movie), "I gotta, I gotta, I gotta go clean something." No, I'm not pregnant, but I didn't need to get my fustrations out, so the bathtub got a good scrubbing. I swear I'm never ever buying a house with well water ever again. And, I'm never letting this tub get dirty ever again. I wasn't just scrubbing off the yellow rust stains. I was actually scrubbing off soap scum and dirt, too. Ew! I hadn't even attempted to clean it because it hadn't been worth it and I was hoping we were redoing the bathtub this year. No such luck. Well, I found a spray bottle, put the toilet bowl cleaner in it with some water to dilute it, and then went to down on it. Spraying it this time helped to get more even. And the longer I let it soak, the more of the yellow gunk it took off. I realized the other day that I haven't had a single bath in this tub in 5 years because it's just too gross looking. I can't soak at all. Not that I want to now with my skin being so sensitive. So I finally scrubbed it. I ordered a bath mat last night. The one we have is moldy and stained. I was trying to hold off again until we got a new tub, but I noticed the mat was actually flaking off now, so it's got to go. I need a new shower curtain liner, too. And it's time to wash the shower curtain. I think Alicia got it for us when we moved into the condo. I think it has moldy spots as well. So, this is what it looks like after I have cleaned it.

Not sure how that is driveable.

Trying to find a notebook for tomorrow's class. Parents are encouraged to stay and take notes. I would rather teach Abishai his lessons but whatever. MEH is my maiden name initials. 2004 was when this composition notebook was printed. I don't have this writing curriculum anymore, but I'm sure it's out there in homeschool land.

Jared's finished handiwork.

Justin was mere minutes away from where are going to be in 12 hrs. He could stay there and just sleep in the car, lol. No, he needs to come home. Silly guy. So close yet so far away.