Year 4, June 7th-9th, 2019: Gorgeous Weather!

Wow!  We really haven't hit the muggy heat of the summer yet!  I keep stepping out the door in the morning thinking it's going to be miserable, but the breeze is cool and refreshing!  I hope I didn't just jinx it though!  But the weather forecast is indicating anywhere from78-82 for at least the next week.  That's pretty much what Charlottetown was for most of the summer.  We were able to take walks today and play outside a ton.  I'm procrastinating on my summer project big time but I can't help it.  I'll find any excuse to be outside!  And thankfully my little buddy Abishai likes to tag along.  He keeps asking to "go around the block" via car or wagon or walking.  I was reminded today when I was pulling him in our new wagon how I used to do exactly that with the other kids when there young, especially with Benaiah and Justin.  With Benaiah, I would walk up and down a lot of the streets of Beech Grove 3 times a week.  With Justin, we would make it to the park once a week I think.  With Keturah, it was more like once every two weeks.  With Abishai, it's just been harder to get into a routine.  But, I try my best to do it when he asks so we can at least instill in him the love for the outdoors.  Keturah did take her coloring outside for a bit today and Benaiah came home and laid out on the trampoline at least.  He did some jumping with the other boys too.

Despite feeling off healthwise, it's been a great week.  I know I'm probably relaxing too much right now, but, I am puttering with a few things here and there.  I'm just avoiding the harder things of purging books and papers.  I'd like to push myself a little more and try to fit in some strawberry picking and museum trips.  Maybe some parks on our own as well as park days.  It requires me to be more disciplined with my sleep habits of course.  Again, it's so hard for me to do that. Anyway, I'm glad we don't have a jam packed schedule because it has allowed us to be there for Bryce, be around for Benaiah and Ava, and hopefully soon have some playdates with Bailey and Emilee, too.  I've come to realize that my pre teen and teens more social time now, even my introverted ones.  And I'm trying.  It means giving up other things, but it's worth it.  I want kids to come over and feel at home.  I want my friends to come over, too.  I want to be hospitable, but I know I like my knick knacks and the way I set up things to be open and practical.  So I do what I can and that's that.  I need to do more planning and imitating but I'll get there.  First I need to plan Keturah's birthday get together.  And once again, I realize that my mom was right when she focused on the most important things, relationships.  Unfortunately, our home was too cluttered to host friends, but she did take us to social gatherings with our youth groups.  So that's why it's always been my goal to have a half presentable house at all times.  Not spotless, not totally picked up, but enough where people can comfortable walk around and we can find a quiet clean space for a cup of tea. Ok, I'll stop talking now and invite some friends over for next week! Lol!

I haven't taken a whole of videos and pictures because our days consist of similar things.  Although I did think about what messy art projects we could do outside on a beautiful day.  I just didn't get it all out yet.  I did buy some sidewalk paint chalk we can use, but it needs to be washed off within 24 hrs.  And I'm not sure if it's good to use after one day.  We are making progress just by being outside.  I'm sure I'll come up with some things eventually, or even just ONE fun thing that they will remember.  One day at a time.

Little legs vs. super duper long skinny legs.  What a contrast!

awww

Night, night!  We took the wagon on it's first adventure around the block and it held up nicely.  Abishai liked having the pockets for stuff.  He said it was a rough ride, but the street is rough, so that's understable.  And because he didn't have to worry about what his legs were doing, he was a chatter box the whole way around.  He pointed out where some ladies were sitting last night and asked who they were.  Then he pointed out another friend's house and asked who lived there.  So he's paying attention, even if he's tired and moody by the evening walk.

Popsicle time at Grandma's house! Somebody's got to eat them!

He was telling me how this is bridge with an orange blob in the middle staying out of the water or lava or something.  Watch the video!

Abishai was attached to me all day and just needed more snuggle time.  He woke up at 7am and found a plastic gold Ninjago sword.  He ran into my room to show it off.  He ended up not snuggling again.  So, when it was time to watch some tv, he wanted me to stay with him.  And he held one of my fingers with his whole hand, just like he did when he was a baby.  Awww....

We are about to have a bunch of blooms!

So many boys! Three of my one plus one extra!  Wrestling ALL...DAY....LONG....

This totally describes #boymom life.

Saturday was the laid back day.  We went to a donut shop to celebrate national donut day which was actually Friday.  Then Jared picked up some yard work stuff and then we stopped at nearby gym so Benaiah could get a free membership (for students with parental permission).  Home again and we basically did nothing of value.  Oh how much I hate this!  It was going to be a good summer where I could get some work done at home and my hormones and brain fog are all out of wack.  Now that I feel "caught up" blog wise and paper work wise, and we don't have many things on the actual schedule, I hope to go to bed by midnight for a week and see if that makes a difference.  I just don't have much hope for it.  I had enough energy on the sleep I was getting before I started changing medications.  Sigh.  I basically have no desires except to survive.  No drive whatsoever.  Usually I can push myself to work hard.  I just can't.  And maybe it's now become routine.  And the longer this goes on, the more depressed and anxious I feel.  I'm calling some doctors on Monday and get some new appointments going.

Meanwhile, Bryce spent the night and I think even he feels bored at our house.  They do their best to keep busy besides using the screen, but without my help or desire to go anywhere, they get bored.  That's why we went to get donuts today.  Justin did mow the grandparents yard and I did peek in the shed to see how many boxes of mine are still in there.  There's 7 that need to be gone through.  Sigh.  Not sure what I can do with them, but perhaps by the end of July I can have those cleaned up and repackaged until I get them to my sister where they were supposed to go 7 years ago.  We moved to PEI 7 years ago.  It doesn't seem possible it's been that long ago.  I can still remember packing and the truck being too full and the anxiety and embarrassment by it.  I remember crying that Sunday, leaving our first home.  I remember getting to Ohio and Gary having to wait for someone to bring him his passport.  I've gone through these boxes and all my belongs a few times now and it's just so easy to shove them back in the box and not deal with the emotions that go along with them.  Every time a friend's loved one passes away, I pray that they are ruthless when they are going through loved one's stuff.  I'm also amazed at how unattached people are to stuff.  I wish I could be like them.  I know it's a burden to keep moving these boxes and things.  I know the emotional energy it takes to look at them.  But I keep procrastinating. And I can't push myself hard enough to do it.  And then I'm depressed about it.

And when I'm this tired and brain fogged, I don't want to invite people over.  And that's hard, too.  Because if I don't have emotional energy to do what I need to do, then how should I spend my summer days?  My poor kids need a healthier mom. And for the last 10 years, it's only gotten worse despite the many doctors and the massive amounts of money I've spent.  Chronic illness sucks.  I'm praying that I can take some better steps with a new naturopath.  I'm praying that my ultrasound this coming Thursday results in something relatively easy to take care and not scary.  But I'm still anxious.  I always will be.  It's how I'm wired.  I just want to use that "skill" for good things and in the right way.  Somebody has to be anxious about things or the details would be forgotten.  Doors wouldn't get locked.  Snacks wouldn't be brought.  Medication wouldn't be taken.  Policies wouldn't be put in place for safety.

So, with a desk pretty clean, and pictures uploaded, I'm going to catch up on all my YouTube videos, watch another episode or two of my current TV show, and go to bed by midnight.  I've got to prove the theory wrong that it's the lack of time spent in bed and it's more about the hormones and medications.  And maybe I'll be surprised.  We'll see.

Aww, what a cute picture of my nephew Auggie and my sister Stefanie.  Not sure what I do without Stefanie.  She's such a good listener, and lets me know some of her opinions, but also withholds some of her (legitimate) judgments.

Little man came bounding in our room at 7am a usual.  I didn't realize he had actually fallen back asleep.  He's had some late nights recently.  Sometimes, you just need to be near both Mommy and Daddy.

Donut time for National Donut Day, which was yesterday, and it's nearly lunchtime, but who cares!

Abishai was very concerned about them having sprinkle donuts.  He's all about ordering on his own, just like Benaiah.  They are my extroverts.  You have to push the other two to say something.  We did have a coupon, get 6 donuts and get a free regular coffee.  Jared made an expresso, but no extra flavorings and all that.  They were very accommodating.

Always fun to treat friends, too.

I had never been too Jack's before but the Creek staff did some Instagram stories yesterday about doing a taste test of local bakeries and said they had gluten free ones here.  Yeah!  And it's really close to us (except when there's major traffic/construction in Franklin Township like there is now).  It was a chocolate cake donut with chocolate icing and chocolate chips.  It still had dairy in it, but it was yummy! And they let me include it in the "buy 6 donuts and get 1 regular coffee free" price.  We spent less than $9.  That's why I liked taking the kids to Tim Horton's.  You could get a hot chocolate and a donut and it wouldn't break the bank!

Jack's is a local donut chain, and they have fun things like coloring pages for the kids.

And the Disney Channel playing.  Blech.  I hate the tween shows. There's always too much drama, too much boyfriend/girlfriend, too much focus on fashion, too much focus on making parents and teachers look dumb and that education sucks, and siblings are annoying.  Relatable things maybe, but we need to not be putting that garbage in.  Surprisingly, Keturah could identify the show.  That means she's been watching the Disney YouTube channel and talking to her friends about it because we don't have the Disney Channel or streaming service at home.  Grr....cultural influence is everywhere!

Big sprinkle donut for a big guy!  He didn't eat much of it until later in the day because he had had a big breakfast.  The rest of us gulped our donuts up in just a few bites.

So, how do you follow up donuts for brunch?  With popcorn of course! And some string cheese.  I'm such a great mom, aren't I? Whoops!  Don't worry, Abishai does seek out fruits and veggies often.  What was funny was that he was trolling Justin, who hates popcorn, by running around with a handful of popcorn or the bowl itself and trying to shove it in Justin's nose, all the while cackling like an evil monkey. 

When I finally got up from my chair, we tried the spray chalk we had bought at Aldi's.  They worked ok but didn't last long.  We only got to do this much before two cans were empty.  For the price of $7 for 3 cans, I won't be buying these again.  Oh well.  We also got chalk paint stuff, but once you add the water to the chalk dust, it only lasts 72 hrs in the bottle.  It's going to rain for a couple of days, so I wasn't going to risk it.  These paints are washable though, so hopefully they won't stain the driveway.

How many vehicles does one preschooler need?  Apparently 4 of them!  Two of them are being borrowed from Grandparents' house.  I did race on foot when he rode them down the driveway.  Then he ran back up befroe I could catch him.  Then I taught him how to play red light/green light.  So he thought he would be tricky and go around the car to avoid the red light.  Oi! *facepalm*

Another day/weekend, another tree planting project.  This time, it's some shoots coming out of the bark of a log.  He's always experimenting and I just nod my head and let him buy what he thinks he needs.

He cut off the bark (and the inside was still soft) so he could plant these buds.

Really?!  You argue about who is cuter? What a joke (rolling my eyes now).

This guy was really attached to me today.  He wouldn't let me nap!  And he didn't want to go snuggle Daddy either!  He wanted me to "watch" his shows with him.  Well, I just wanted to doze.  Sorry.  I did eventually sleep when he eventually left.

I'm a little stuck here.  I sat down in the kitchen waiting for some coffee to brew, and he sat next to me.  And then when he climbed on my lap, he breathed a very contented sigh.  Jared had remarked yesterday that we already ever sigh like that.  More often, it's an exasperated sigh.  Abishai is very content and I love how he delights in the simple things like ducks or flowers or who lives where.  Or when he ran in here a few minutes ago to tell me that the Incredibles didn't know that Jack Jack had powers and he became a monster at the end of Incredibles and defeated Syndrome (he and Daddy were reading a book about it.)  He was so excited!  We all could learn a thing or two from this little guy, how he runs circles around everyone, how he uses real thoughts and large vocabulary words, and how content he is. 

Sometimes I think he prefers baby trees to baby humans.  Oi!

Old toys, but very loved.

The Mocha Nut, a friends' new coffee shop, opens on Monday!  We are so excited!  Benaiah says he's going to stop in there every day on his way to school.  I hope they have a punch card!  It's been a year long labor of love and many friends have helped.  We are so excited!

Just an example of what's left in the shed.  These are my grandfather's tools.  He was an auto body guy, but I'm sure these are regular tools.  I'm still not ready to part with them or my mother's very large sewing table and heavy sewing machine.  There's 7 other boxes besides these things I need to go through.  I think a mouse took pilling or fabric from one box and made a nest in another.  I'm not as grossed out by some, but I'm going to have to be extra careful as I go through things.  There's 3 boxes of books, 1 box of Teddy Ruxpin stuff, 3 boxes of knick knacks and various things, and 1 box of Lincoln Logs and other toys.  It won't be the hardest thing I've done, but it won't be easy either.  I'm ready to purge the books, but never the knick knacks.

These yellow flowers are in all our "moses" grass bushes and are ready to pop! I'm so naive when it comes to gardening and I have no clue what all the flowers we have are, but that's ok, I can enjoy them anyway.

Sunday, my emotions came to a head.  PMS is involved, too.  But I'm seriously pretty scared and anxious at what my gyno ultrasound will bring this coming Thursday.  Being a woman, especially being a mom, I'm just really attached to what physically makes me those things.  It's the one bodily system that has worked mostly perfectly over the years.  It's also something I'm very fascinated with and I watch vlog after vlog after vlog and read article after article after article about it.  I don't think I've been prideful about my fertility but I have been extremely grateful for it.  Being able to carry 4 healthy babies to term with little issue with no miscarriages and up to this point, no other issues in between is something I treasure.  Being able to hold and nurse those 4 babies until some of them turned 2 years old, wow, precious time.  Being at HOME with them all the time then and now, I don't take for granted.  I have often thought about being a doula, maybe even a midwife.  Just like homeschooling, early motherhood is something I'm passionate about.  So, to have anything go wrong with that biological system is close to devastating to me.  I know some will understand and a lot won't.  Some are like "two children, that's it" and some are part of the "quiverful" movement.  I personally lean towards quiverful but I have never judged anyone who doesn't share the same view as I on that.  I'm just scared of what could be wrong.  With many people in my life having died from, are currently suffering with, and have the potential to suffer with cancer, it's the number one thing I'm scared of.  So, I'm praying it's something relatively common, something mild, something we can take care of and keep an eye out for in the days ahead.  And although we don't plan on having more kids, I've never wanted to play God and make it a permanent thing like my mother did.  Jared does not share this sentiment, but I will always want just one more pregnancy, one more baby, one more chance to start over.  I don't get to be around newborns that much.  And it isn't the right life season to go volunteer and hold NICU babies or try to help out new moms.  When I volunteer in the church nursery, the youngest babies we typically have are already 4 months old.  All this to say, I've been an emotional wreck.

And because of the recent medication changes, some having to do with this topic, I'm not able to physically or mentally or emotionally able to handle much.  I need more sleep, I'm lethargic, I have no motivation, I have severe brain fog, my restless legs are worse, etc. etc.  And, it takes a toll on you mentally and emotionally in trying to handle all that.  It's why any kind of chronic illness sucks.  And they play into each other.  When all you want to do is take your kids to places over the summer, and you can't put 2 and 2 together to plan on when you are going to do it, it sucks.  When you want to just sleep and hide your inability to cope, you don't want to message people to have playdates.  I guess it's called depression for a reason.  And that's what I have right now, illness induced depression.  I usually feel this way once a month or so.  But I've been like this for two months.  It's scary.  It's not fair.  And my kids suffer because of it.  I can't make decisions like what small group to be part of, do I send my daughter to my sister's house without an adult going with her, and what books should I keep?  I say I love books.  I have 100's of books.  But I can't read a single page without falling asleep.  I could do more audio books, but it's not just that. I'm actually not able to retain anything.  I can't comprehend the tougher material.  I do skim through online articles.  I do glean information from some Instagramers and YouTube vloggers.  I just can't read like I used to.  And I can't force myself to go to bed by midnight.  That's the most frustrating thing on the planet.  I want to sleep all day and then I don't want to go to bed at night.  I want to choose what's not as good for me vs. the stuff that is better.  And I told Jared that he might not be able to understand this because he's not a type A personality, but when you lose your drive, your ability to set and meet goals, it's devastating. 

So, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I'm going to have Jared go with me to my ultrasound on Thursday.  Normally I do all my appointments by myself, even when I was pregnant I would any follow up ultrasounds by myself.  I just feel like if it's something worse than what I hope it is, I just need him there to ask questions and hold my hand.  I'm a tough woman and I don't usually feel this way.  I don't like disturbing his work day.  It's just how we've done things.  But this time, I'm just not feeling right.  And tomorrow, Monday, I'm going to try to get in with a new naturopath. It's still 30 minutes away, but all I can do is try.  One of my favorite ones from over the years moved an hour away.  So, I'll try someone new, someone closer, and we'll see where we go with it.  I need help balancing all my hormones.  I need someone to guide me through the next steps.  I know all the things, but I don't know what step to do.  I want more tests that regular PCPs either don't know about or don't do.  I'm done feeling like crap.  It's time for a change.  It's time to get help for those changes to happen.  Time to step out of my comfort zone and make some phone calls.  Sigh.

Otherwise, it was an ok rainy day.  Everyone had their church things.  Benaiah played drums and ran tech for the CIY meeting tonight.  He hung out with Matt and did his health homework.  Justin volunteered at 11am and went too the adult service at 4:30pm by himself.  Keturah went to middle school Crave at 11am and then did KP worship at 4:30pm.  Abishai went to his green classroom, although he wanted to go to his old classroom, and then stayed home with me until the CIY meeting.  Jared and I went to church at 11am and Jared had nursery volunteering at the 4:30pm.  Food for the day was leftovers, again.  Time to grocery shop tomorrow.  I liked how they did the joint CIY meeting, both parents and students, middle school and high school.  Chad M. went over all the rules for high school CIY Move, and many of them carry over to middle school, so Luke G spent less time on his portion (he's also more laid back than Chad).  I listened while I played my phone game.  Why? Because a) most of this, if not all of it, is old hat for us and 2) I listen to vlogs and music and multi task with my phone game constantly.  I don't play it during church but this was a meeting.  Jared wrangled Abishai through it.  Abishai thinks that as soon as we sit down in the sanctuary, it's time to goof off.  That's got to stop.  I keep telling Jared to take him out of the room, but he won't.  I think I need to come up with a plan to teach Abishai how to sit still during certain things.  Yes he's a kid and he needs to wiggle, but there's a time and place for it.  Right now, wiggling in the sanctuary is totally a game to him.  He sits relatively still at home for different things.  It's a learned behavior.  So I will teach it.

That's it for today.  I took a huge nap after my huge cry and felt a little more like myself so I made it through the meeting.  Tomorrow is an at home day.  I hope to take the kids strawberry picking mid week.  Strawberry picking as in, "let's pick 4 strawberries, take some pictures, and call it good." kind of strawberry picking where we just buy the rest of the strawberries from the farmers' stand.  We'll see.  Benaiah will work 40 hrs this week, so we won't see much of him.  He's working on tweaking his gas and food budget.  He's getting there, but he still might end up short this paycheck.  We'll see. I don't want to bail him out again.  Not sure what other playdates we'll get up to and what Thursday will bring.  We'll see.

Waiting for Daddy to take care of his baby trees before we go to church.  Also, there are themes in KP every week and today, it was superheroes day.  So, what did Abishai pick?  Dark (Darth) Vader!  He wore this dark outfit and brought his mask wit him.  He was able to tell us all about the Paul and Silas in prison story.  And when Justin said their lesson in 1st grade was about choosing joy, Abishai piped in "Mine was, too!" as in Paul and Silas were joyful despite their circumstances.  Bingo!  Keturah's lesson was on taking care of the plank in your eye before taking care of the sawdust in someone else's eye.  She said  she didn't know how to apply it and yet, we've talked about that often because it's something she struggles with.  Sigh.

Some of the flowers opened up.  We did get some good rain today, which we did need.  All the ditches were bone dry.

Hand me down time!  Yeah! It's a onesie!  She's been wanting one for a couple of years!  I'm so grateful that we've instilled in the kids that hand me downs and clothes from Goodwill and clearance racks at Meijer are just as good as going to the mall to buy clothes.  I love getting a bag of clothes from a friend and seeing what surprises await me.  It's easier to decide on keeping it or giving it away, too.

She put all the dresses in the "don't keep" pile go figure.  We'll discus it tomorrow.  But it's like Christmas when you get a new bag of hand me downs! Thank you, neighbors!

I will say that I've enjoyed Abishai being extra clingy lately.  He even slept in our bed again this morning with his legs ON ME.  Sometimes, he's the only one who can bring joy and life to my life.  And that's why God gave him to us.  The simple joy he takes in the simple things is amazing.  He brings perspective and he doesn't even know it.  So, we will snuggle him as long as we can without feeling guilty about it.  We love all our kids, but there's something special about that last one.  Sigh.

The End