Year 5, May 11th-14th, 2020: I Need It To End.

Covid-19 Days 53-56

There, I said it. I just want to spend time with some friends in person. I don't even know how to act around people anymore. I don't know what I can plan or even where to go. I don't know what projects to tackle or what to do next. I just want the freedom to pick up a few items at the grocery store and not have to wipe everything down. The mask isn't the issue. I was able to wear it today at the grocery store just fine and I don't think I had to touch it once to fix it, which means it was on properly. I'm finding myself not caring if I'm perfectly cleaning every little thing or following the right procedure. I mean, I don't want to get in trouble, but if we pick up something, we pick up something. Jared, on the other hand, is way, way over on the obsessive side. But he's always been that way about germs in public spaces. Anyway, we went grocery shopping after his chiropractor appointment. And while it was good to get that out of the way and still have time for school, I'm now exhausted. I managed to wash all the produce and the kids set the pantry items aside for me to rearrange the pantry, again. We didn't enjoy our time together per se, but we didn't fight either. I journaled while he was in his appointment. I had stayed up way too late last night and I'm feeling it hardcore now. Mother's Day was exhausting trying to hold my tongue. I'm still feeling weird and not knowing which end is up. So many unknowns, too. Just tell me what to do. Can I go to see my friends? No. Ok, I'll tell them you said no (and then they'll judge me for letting my husband strong arm in staying home and being the submissive wife, right?). But if Benaiah just goes and does, maybe I could even if Jared disapproved. I could, but what would that prove? What about his parents? Again, I keep thinking that they don't have contact with us, but it's just me that they don't talk to. And do I really need to talk to them right now in this frame of mind where I know they wouldn't see me for who I am? Probably not a wise thing. I think my main concern is getting to know the Beavers and everyone else over on S. Eaton Dr. If I could just spend time with them, and have Abishai get to know Nolan and Ali's girls better, and Keturah really get to know Quinn and Ava (Quinn is a year younger and Ava is a year older, and I think Erica's daughter is a year maybe two younger than Quinn), man, wouldn't that be fantastic? There's so much potential there and I want to invest in their lives, but the kids can't really get to know each other without a phone or being in person. So let us out, coach, we are ready to play!

Then there's the whole graduation thing, which I knew was going to be hard enough, but this is just over the top. What if the numbers never go down and we can't get together for another year? We have to break this lockdown at some point. But where do I go? Where can I take the kids where they would be safe? Thankfully they are content at home. You should have seen Abishai running to me and practically knocking me to he ground when we got home (we had been gone for 2 hrs). I just feel stuck in a time warp or time loop. I don't feel like we are moving forward or making any progress. My clean garage is now full of books and packaging for e2. There's a new drum kit in there not being used. Now the mower is back and in the way. A few things could be hauled out to the shed. I need to do something with Benaiah's pictures, but don't ever seem to get around to it because I'm moody. I feel like we are all living in a bubble and living vicarously through a screen. It's one thing for me to do it, but to deny my kids from experiencing real life? That doesn't seem fair. They are only in these grades once. Abishai will never be in the 4's and 5's room ever again. Granted, Keturah was never in the room either. It's hard to come to terms with it all. So many feelings. No one knows what to do feel or how to feel. This isn't normal. I want to break the rules so bad, too. My rebel side is starting to show. That's why I have Jared to fall back on. Take the lead, honey, and tell the small group families that we still refuse to get together. I'll let you and the other men decide these things. I'll do whatever. But what are we going to do all summer? Do we even have a summer bucket list?

When the strictest stay at home order is lifted on Friday, that ends the essential vs.nonessential travel ban. I'll feel freer to get a coffee and go to the store for craft supplies. I can go buy some shoes for our Israel trip. I don't know. I know the kids should still stay home. But I need to go out and drive and wander. Except now the gases prices are rising and we each have 1/4 tank of gas. I do want to finish up school, but even today, things felt much lighter in terms of what I needed to go over. So, that was helpful and hopeful. I did a Yoga (not judgment please) relax routine that was on the workout list, so the stretching was helpful. I'll have to remember to do that one, or another less vigorous Yoga routine on my "off" or sore days. Just so I feel like I did something. I'm already a bit more consistent and less sore. I didn't know if I would be able to fit in a routine today or not, but I did. I said, yes. That's a victory right there. I also said yes to emotionally eating the brownies I made, but that's another story. I compensated by not eating much carbs at dinner, trust me, I know how to do that. We had pizza for lunch so dinner was "whatever you can find."

I need to make a plan for tomorrow or I have no idea what I'll actually get done. There's school and I have an IAHE rep call and Jared has Bible study. Oh, and the Blue Angels fly overhead at 2pm.

Before we went shopping pics. I did wash everything before the last trip, and it's still fairly clean in there. It's been 25 day since our last trip and I don't feel too squeezed. We still had some beans and tuna left.

I own the top two shelves, shhhhhh. It's frozen veggies and broth mostly that I typically don't use, so, I'll work on those soon, too.

Doesn't look too bad until you realized that middle shelf is all mine and mostly salty snacks, which, I don't reach for that often. And the bottom shelf are backups of things are like tuna, rice, and pasta.

Abishai was supposed to move the boxes but he decided to stack them and run around them instead.

I hope we get to see them!

Keturah did a great job at organizing the cans! This is temporary. I just didn't have energy to do the fist in first out (FIFO) rotation in the pantry yet.

These are NOT empty boxes. Abishai made an obstacle course for himself.

Ah, that's better. $400 later......

Some veggies and fruits. I need to wash the others.

To be washed.

No! Not more brown book boxes!

I swear I cleaned this up!

Oh no, I hope our neighbors are ok. We do have many elderly neighbors in the neighborhood.

There was another police officer on call, but our neighbor Justin Beaver walked down from his house. He must have heard it over the radio or seen it. They didn't stay long though.

The oldest finally remembered to say Happy Mother's Day. Hey, at least they are my favorites!

This is the Franklin Township peacock. He/she and we think 2 or 3 others roam our township. They had an owner once but no one really knows their backstory. They do, however, have their own Facebook page. And guess where it was this evening? In our neighborhood! We didn't go over to see it (late supper and cold). But it was an Adrienne's yard and making it's way down the east side of S. Eaton!

Mr. Peacock just wants to join the Bible Barn! Crazy! We have no idea how these birds survive in our winters, but somehow they do. Beautiful!

Today was a very full day, overwhelming in fact. I stood in the kitchen doing this or that for over 3 hrs! And it wasn't on food! I had kids asking questions, I was trying to answer email, I was going back and forth with these water bead things. And who knows what else. But my back was hurting and I just needed to lay down! Because kids trickle in for breakfast and lunch, it's like there's always someone the kitchen doing something. It's fine just as long as I don't have to be involved and have to clean up in between kids, which is what I had to do today. And clean up after hubby, too. I made myself a list last night and well, not many things were crossed off. I barely eeked out some schooling, didn't get the shower I needed, but managed to walk once around the block. I was on my phone alot keeping track of things, and we had the flyover by the Blue Angels midday, so I was sharing that, too. We ended up over on the other street for an hour. It was a cool, crisp day, but I made the kids stay outside. I also got my first actual phone call through the IAHE line! New family near us just wanting lcoal information, but it felt good to do something. And then I was reminded in our rep mtg tonight how much I haven't been doing. Whoops! Time to get back on track! So I talked to real people in real life today and feel a bit better. I really hope that Jared and I can start hanging out with our neighborhood peeps. That's all I want. I don't care about church itself, like I've said before, it's not where I connect with people. I need deep conversation and that just doesn't happen on Sunday morning when there's kids here and there and timing of everything, etc. I just want the people that I want to do life with, and that's our neighborhood people. It really is. God set this up for a reason. I'm going to do my part to make it work.

For example, I was going to go with Abishai and Keturah on a walk when I got that IAHE phone call.  Well, they took off without me. Whoops. Thankfully, they went around the block to Grandpa's house, and were playing with the neighbors outside when I found them. No harm done. I just hadn't thought Abishai would obey Keturah and on their bikes. I guess they did ok, even when they spotted the peacock in a yard down the street! Peacocks aren't that aggressive unless you make it mad. They backed off and slowly kept going. I'm so glad that we now have close friends on either end of the street east of us. If I really was worried, I could have them step out their front doors and look for my children and cover the whole street in a second. But, it also made me want even more for Jared to relent, because seeing Abishai play with Nolan, who he didn't want to play with last week, melted my heart. Even Keturah played with them for a bit. I think Erica was oblivious to everything and was with Conner inside. But the 5 kids ran around and around Erica's house while I stood on Gary and Leah's front porch. They had given the kids some cookies, and when I let Socks go, he, too, went inside their house. None of us had masks so what's the big deal? It's a big deal, but if it's just us, then, yeah, I don't want my kids missing out on neighborhood/small group bonding time. And Benaiah ended up going out with Ava twice today, she literally made him go to Mocha Nut at 10am with her this morning, and then they had a long walk in the woods this evening. Oh no, I just thought of something. Out of sight, out of mind of us parents. In the same park Jared and I would go. Uh, we need to have some discussions here. Yikes!  Anyway, he seems to think he has free rein again, and it's not fair. Once the stay at home part of the orders are up on Friday, man, I think I might just break the household rules myself. We'll see.

Abishai and I walked home and passed the house that he had seen the peacock earlier, but we couldn't find it. I had Justin walk, too, and he also didn't find it. I might entice it with a bowl of dog food after Jared goes to bed. I already asked him and he said no because of the other critters. Well, I'm fine with other critters so,....here goes! Oh, and the Blue Angels flyover was awesome! Some went downtown and saw it multiple times. Others who had seen the other flyover didn't see today's. But we did! Jared even let the kids get on the roof! How lucky are we?! It makes me miss the airshow so much!

Alas, there's so much to do, and not enough time. Especially when you don't feel good. We have one more day of good weather and then 5 days of nasty weather, so I'll try to set down my inside work and focus on the outside. But I need to shower and I have a couple of meetings. I think school will wait until Thursday. I have to make sure I put food in the crockpot in the morning. Ok, I'll go some meat to thaw right now. Hold on....Ok, I'm done.

Had some great clues on the crosswords I did last night! NOLA!

Yup, knew that one!

Cool!

First batch of "Orbeez" which is the name brand for water beads. And yes, it actually makes a difference which brand you get. I liked the packaging of these and the animals in it better than the other kit we got. They are dry beads that absorb a ton of water. A little goes a long way as you'll see here. Here are the dry beads.

Just 20 minutes later.

Daddy isn't allowed to go to work.

Less than an hour later!

From that to this!

The tools are from the other kit and were very flimsy.

2 hrs!

The first kit came with these incredible sea creatures and this blow up mat. Abishai played with it for a long time! And he talked a lot about the different animals asking lots of questions and knowing a lot of information from a cartoon show called Octonauts!

Time for the second batch. This the amount I put in.

Then it was time for the flyover, so up they went to the roof!

Hang onto the baby!

Having a low pitch roof is great! But no, I did NOT like where Abishai was sitting. There's a big drop off to the ground on his right side.

Lots of clouds today.

This was better.

And there they are! They flew under the clouds! All six of them! The Blue Angels! We've seen them at air shows, but wow!

They came from the southeast and were going towards Beech Grove, taking a hard left towards the airport. Then they made a couple of other passes over down town, but we only heard them once more.

Now we are looking northwest as they start to bank towards the left.

30 minutes in. These ones took forever to grow.

A boy, his dog, his book, and his Legos.

Benaiah got pranked/tagged/loved on by our high school ministry! See, they love you!

I love how it looks like the "Friends" tv show letters! I'm keeping this forever! Jared said Stephen Brake (who graduated last year) and a couple of other guys stopped by to put in the lawn. I had just come inside 1 second before that and was stepping outside 5 minutes after they left. So awesome!

Uh oh. What happened? Um, Keturah happened! She had walked back before Abishai and I did and decided to add a bunch more beads to the box. But then she added too much of one color so she added more of the other colors. Girl, you on't know when to stop!

I mean, it's full! I didn't want it full! Oh my word!

The beads on the right are half the size of the ones on the left and took twice as long. Yup, I know what the better beads are.

I sifted the beads to get some of the extra water out. But for whatever reason, 1 box became.....

....two bucketfuls!

Ok, so this might not work, but I wanted to try to get some of the extra water to evaporate sos that there's not droplets of water waiting to come out of the buckets if I let Keturah have some of them in her room. So, I carefully poured them out on the towel on towels to dry overnight. They do go flying with the least little bit of touch, so I hope Abishai is careful in the morning. We left the ceiling fan going, too. They are pretty cool feeling and when you break them, they just break apart. There's no liquid water inside. They aren't allowed to go down the sink or drain and Socks shouldn't ingest them. But what have we gotten ourselves into?! Water beads are the new Legos or glitter! I'm going to find them everywhere! Ah!

Wednesday is always our crazy day now, but we pushed through. I was stern with the kids and told them I can't sit here and discuss the why's of everything. A no is a no today. Some days I'm able to explain and negotiate. Not today. I had to shower, put chili in the crockpot, run laundry, had a counseling appt, check math, and had Bible study. Even when Benaiah needed to buy shorts online, I had to put him on hold for a bit. It doesn't take long to do the task, but my whole to do list is full of those little tasks and they add up! I didn't get a workout in, but I scheduled my next appt at a slightly different time that would make it feasible. I miss my workouts and I'm glad. Have the accountability group is really helping. I'm not on track with food yet. But it's been an overwhelming week. And physically painful, too. Thank goodness I have that solidly made older heating pad! I just feel like my desk is full of papers again, so tomorrow, I will tackle that. Abishai felt a little neglected, too, so I'll give me more attention as well. Even school work got put on hold because Justin needed to mow both lawns before it rained for the next 4 or 5 days. So, we accomplished some things for sure. There's just so much more to do! I think I need to rewrite my lists as well. If I finish here quickly, I might do that. And watch the Zoom meeting about our Israel. Sigh. So much to watch and do on the computer! But that's why I save it for the rainy days.

Oh, and this happened this morning:

We couldn't tell if it was a peacock or a piece of board on the house across the street.

But sure enough, it was the peacock!

That tail is ginormous! So gorgeous, too! God is such an incredible creator!

And now for a few other fun pics!

Oh yes, Indy 500! Which sadly, everything was cancelled for the first time in 100 years. The race might run in August. But no mini marathon, no kids' day, etc. The graduating kids of Speedway High School got to cross the yard of bricks in their cars with their families, step out, kiss the bricks, and get their diploma. Now THAT'S special!

Some of the water beads shrunk all the way back down, but the towels were still quite wet. This was what was left. I let Keturah take these to her room and she put her dirty feet in them! Ew! Abishai is still loving his!

"Mom, I put Dinosaury there to watch Daddy's back! (to protect him)."

And his special ship is also ready to defend Dad as he works.

Well, that's a creative way to keep book boxes off the ground for the mail person to pick up. Our poor mail people. I really need to leave some thank you notes out there for them!

Our Mayor is nuts. He's revamped the governor's ordinances and put them on a different time table. Now, all the business is going to the surrounding counties. I guess we are stuck at home for another week.

On the Christian Standard email. These podcasts are quite good for all leaders

Rain. No rain. Rain. Sunshine. Rain. Boom! What was that! We had a rain/thunderstorms throughout the day, but periods of dryness, too. But as I was doing my workout, BOOM! Lightning/thunder right on top of each other. Jared said the neighbor two doors to the north of Gary and Leah, got their satellite disk hit and it killed some of their electronics! It was pretty scary, stuff! But that's what spring and summer is like right? Anyway,...

Thank goodness it was a slower day. I'm not used to the busy days anymore! I did write out a few things, so that helps. Today was Benaiah's last day of school, for, forever! Well, until college. The day/his attitude did not go the way I would have liked. I tried not to argue about anything and instead tried to be chipper and excited that school is over (however, I'm not a big fan of celebrating that education is over because it never really is, but anyway...). Um, it backfired and made him mad. He said he basically considered himself done two months ago and today was just a formality. He doesn't even have books to return. Ava got grounded from him for a week, so they couldn't go out to celebrate. He didn't eat dinner with us. He spent two hrs talking to I think Ava in his truck. We did fight. It's all messed up. From Covid-19 to general regular "coming of age" stuff, like pulling away and "I'll do what I want to do." attitude. It breaks my heart so much. The last 4 1/2 years has not what I had hoped and dreamed it would be. Each step was another disappointment for me. Ok, getting a job and a license, those were normal and highlights. But I barely got that "I have a license" photo. I didn't print a "last day of school" sign. I probably should still do that. I couldn't decorate the truck yet because of the weather. And now I'm afraid to do it. Guys, this sucks. I imagined that there would have been more give and take, and RESPECT between us. I've been guilty of being selfish, too. I don't know what to say or do to salvage the situation. And now he thinks living somewhere else will solve the problem. I don't think it will. We won't have any interaction. It won't solve it. It's a form of running away. I'm grieving in a much deeper way than I thought I would. And it's not fair. It reopens many, many wounds of the last 4 1/2 yrs. I've somehow got to get through it and do things differently with the others.

It's just not fair. I want to be normal. I want him to be sad about school ending. I want him to be excited about graduation ceremony and an open house and photos and all the things that come along with this. No one told me that kids don't care about it. I thought Jared was an oddball for not caring. And yet, he shut up and put up. Benaiah's much more vocal. Why can't we just do something right and normal for once? I want to check off those darn checkboxes, ok? Is that too much to ask? I guess it is. Maybe I should feel good that God thinks we have the ability to get through crap like this (with his strength) or that our faith is strong enough to be tested. I don't know. But it's so exhausting. So hurtful. It sucks. First I lose my sister because we disagreed so much, and now I'm losing my son. And I've lost friends' respect over this Covid-19 thing. God, you can knock it off anytime. I'm tired. This isn't "abundant" life. This is the deep, dark valley, on fire. No where to go. So hurtful. So depressing. Everything I have worked toward, everything I have sacrificed for, all my dreams and goals, which seemed to all be vetted by God's plan and rules and teachings, poof, gone. What am I supposed to do? What am I left with? A broken faith. No where to turn. How can you turn to a God that disappoints you? This is much deeper and bigger than a few graduation photos. It's all those little things. I'm sorry, but I can't say that God's dreams or plans or goals for me, the story he has put in front of us, is better than I could have imagined. It doesn't matter how many times I've changed my perspective, my dreams, my goals, my mantra, I feel unsuccessful. First it was academics. But none of my kids are super smart, or smarter than a public school kid. Then it's been about character, but they are so rude, mean, disrespectful, and hurtful to one another and me, focusing on all the wrong things. And lazy. So lazy. Third, what about their relationship with God? We've taught them Bible knowledge and theology, but probably not true faith because I don't know what that means anymore. They are surrounded by it through their youth leaders and grandparents. I just don't see how their faith is playing much of a part in their lives. We don't talk about it like that. No one has a passion or strong inclination to do something with their lives like I did at age 12.  And for someone like me, if there's no goal to pursue, then what's the point?

What's my purpose? Why am I here? Why do I work so hard at raising kids, and yet they have failed the expectations I have put before them? Are my standards too high? Am I just trying to prove the point and buck the system? Have a really done better than the public school could? Are our family bonds stronger? Ugh. I don't know. I don't understand. I'm wandering in the dessert. I'm aimless. I'm tired of setting up goals and then failing. I have lofty goals for friendships. And I fail those. Or Covid-19 failed those. I tried getting into a Bible study, but it's not doing much to challenge me when I have to pull others back to the chapter at hand. I want progress. I want a gold star. I want a certificate saying I did it. But instead, I'm a poor reflection of a Christian, a homeschooler, a mom, a wife, and a friend. I'm defeated. And I don't feel God picking me back up. Or, "I'm a failure, but God still loves me." Have a tied performance to God's love so long that I can't separate it? Faith saves, but works are the working out of your salvation, right? I don't know. It's so confusing. And it all feels so very wrong. Who am I?

I wanted to catch him on his last Zoom class, but it was over too quickly. Hopefully those papers and binders to the right can go away soon. I'd like my floor space back. He spent most of his day playing video games, watching videos, had a few laughs with Chase, and talking with Ava. And arguing with me. He wouldn't let us celebrate at all.

Another one! Eli Lily is a HUGE company downtown and employs so many people here in Indianapolis. They are on the front lines of Covid-19 research right now. I did apply for an accounting job there when I was in college. It's close to the big stadium.

Aww, I wish Justin would show his face though. He's the one with the velociraptor sign. I think he's embarrassed by his long hair and is tired of hearing about it from his leader Ron.

You don't say.

My sister sent me this. I forgot to use it today.

Yup, I have the headache that goes along with it.

He waited a solid 10 minutes while Daddy was in the bathroom in order to "bug" him.

Jared saw two starlings fighting and/or mating today and he actually got out his BB gun and opened the window that doesn't have a screen in it in our room and I found him with the BB gun pointed out the window like he was going hunting or something. Oh good grief! The starling settling under this tree, but there's no nest.

Well, hi, there. What are you two up to?

I taught Abishai who to break up the icy pop and push it up to the top so I don't have to keep snipping of the end. Grandma got him into that bad habit.

I thought this was an interesting floor pattern this morning.

It's getting there! I had to stake and tie up the other little bunch because the flower was too heavy for the stem. Hopefully it survived all this weather! In two years, the irises that Jared got him in the fall, have tripled and reset itself. Since it was a warm fall back then, they decided to grow and bloom. Now they are back on a normal schedule.

Pretty leaves.

They are supposed to start off red.

I wanted to get a sign with "Congrats" and his picture on it, but I don't know anymore. This might just do ok.

The original ones Jared bought me for thi house.

Oh my goodness. That's scary looking. And it was scary! Short lived because it was moving fast, but huge!

Backyard panorama.

Are you sure you want to sit there?

Front yard panorama.

Whoosh! Here it comes!

I wonder how many more texts we'll get from SCS. I'm sure it won't be that many! It's bittersweet for sure.

That's not a ray of light from heaven. I think that might be the Christmas lights from inside reflecting on the glass. I was taking the picture through the window.

Because the trampoline was wet, I suggested that Abishai put on his swim suit so that he wouldn't mind getting wet when he fell down. Well, Keturah decided to take it a step further. She's not in a bathing suit and didn't get very wet. But she had a blast spraying Abishai and Abishai loved it! I think it was a little over 70 degrees out.

They used so much water that they created a mud pit on the trampoline! Yikes!

The End