Year 5, May 15th-17th, 2020: Brain Dead

August?! I just typed August instead of May! Say what?! Usually I'm good with the month, but sometimes I get off with what day it is (this was even before Covid). But apparently, Covid has stolen more of my mind and time. But, I'm also very worn out today. I had a deep sobbing cry fest last night/early morning. So many emotions on so many topics for so many reasons. I don't want to rehash it. I'm just exhausted. I bit sore from yesterday's workout, too. But I lost a bit of time today trying to hobble around and then I spent 2 1/2 hrs with a young lady from Belgium who is in graduate school and was conducting research here in Indiana about homeschooling before she had to be sent back to Belgium because of Covid. I got to talk about all the things I theoretically love to explain about homeschooling without having to reflect on how hard it's been. I focused on the mechanics. Which always helps to put things in perspective a bit. She had some great follow up questions asking me to clarify things I said and helped me to articulate what my thoughts and goals are. I knew it would be helpful to do that today, despite feeling like a complete and utter failure just 12 hrs before that. I didn't tell her that though. Maybe I should have. Anyway, I'm too tired to even rehash all of that and I'm hurting from top to bottom because of a headache, how I slept, how I've sat all day, and the workout yesterday. The pain is very distracting.

The kids did school, but I didn't get to check it, which means I have to do that tomorrow. Blech. I'll have to find my three things I want to accomplish tomorrow when I'm done on here. I'm just so wiped out! I want to zone out and try again tomorrow. Jared took Benaiah to get a Covid-19 test, which I think was unnecessary, because Benaiah's symptoms were of heartburn (eating Taco Bell two days in a row) and of seasonal allergies, so the same symptoms I've been having. But whatever. We'll known in 72 hrs whether Benaiah has it or maybe that he had it, I don't know. Again, I'm no longer discussing it unless it directly affects our activities. I don't care about having to wear a mask and people can not wear them, I don't care. The summer camps were officially canceled as well today, so no CIY (at least in person) for anyone. The church seems to think they will put something together for the kids, but I'm not sure that's going to be any better if they try to do it in person because our youth group is more than 250 kids and adults. Benaiah refuses to partcipate. Justin and Keturah might, but we probably will only let them do any online parts, not in person things. It's hard to tell. We don't have to do anything since we pre registered for the normal events. They are all officially "signed up" and the deposit fee was already turned in. We just sit and wait and let the youth team figure it out. Jared has enough to figure out with e2's events and I have my own internal battles and daily life, that's it not something we feel called to do. I even posted on my Facebook feed how hard teenagers are in ways I didn't expect. I thought I was going into this phase with an open mind. I didn't know that I would be so mentally exhausted. Plus Covid exhaustion. Plus the reality of my own shortcomings and hormones from the past year or so. It's been quite a rough go this past year. No matter I'm a mess and can't seem to catch my breathe. (Don't I say that every year though? I don't think I do. I can pinpoint major events, but not every year is full of them).

Anyway, I didn't talk much today to my family. I couldn't hold a logical discussion or argument about anything, so I just said that I'm not going to discuss anything today. Benaiah is officially starting to talk about moving out. That's scary. That's not what I thought. And not under our current circumstances. And our current relationship dynamics. I'm sure I'm not alone. And I'm sure some of this is normal that I was going to feel anyway. But nothing I read or heard about prepared me for any of this. The feelings of inadequacy, of not being "done" with him yet, of fighting about who put more effort into his growing up years, or fighting over what senior pics to do. I thought I'd have total control, and I have none. I'm just done fighting with everybody about everything. I'm done with homeshcool for the year. I'm done with monitoring screen time. I'm done with cooking. Go fend for yourselves so I can watch YouTube and eat bonbons. Sigh. I think I just need a tired mama's retreat or something. I couldn't even hang out with my homeschool moms because they were going to meet in person in a different county, outside, probably without masks. So, I don't have my normal routine and support either. And now Southside CS and Franklin Township schools are done for the school year. I want to be done. One more week of history. Just a bit more math. We can do it.

This poor guy hit his face with his knee playing with Daddy on our bed for the upteenth time today. Sigh. I think he hurt his lip a bit and then got a nice scratch under his eye. It didn't take him long to feel better though and then he was back at it. Poor Daddy can't get work done because of Abishai's antics of going in and out of the room. Sigh. I wish I could ship Abishai off to grandparents or friends right now. But then he would miss me too much.

Two cute buddies.

We need something like this. Which got me thinking again about how to rearrange the boys' room. We definitely need to shift things around. A 3 bed bunk bed would be nice, maybe with two twins and a full bed on the bottom. Then I thought we could give Justin's current bunk to Keturah and she would still have the loft part and some extra drawers. We could keep Benaiah's bed where it is and after putting the mattress on a new bunk bed, we could layer the old frame with Lego plates and make that another Lego area. There's some pretty solid wood under it. There's no under bed storage, but there's a lip of wood that comes up that would keep the Legos in. We could, in theory, take off the rollers and fashion some legs on it so it's taller for Justin and THEN put Lego boxes underneath. Oh my word, I think I just figured it out! I saw some wooden three bunk bed sets for $500. I think that would be awesome! Now I want to go and do it!  I think we just found ourselves a summer project!

Bummers, it's blurry! Abishai had perfectly balanced the foam baseball bat in the round empty duct tape roll that we use as the pull on the  ceiling room light and it stayed there!

I was looking up how close Lego HQ was to Belgium, and tried the street view of Billund. Well, you can definitely see the brightly colored  Lego House (it's fairly new) in the bottom left hand corner. HQ is a block north and to the right. This was just a rural town until Lego took off. It exploded from 500 residents to 6,000 residents in the area. But it's still way out there and still small in comparison to other big cities. Oh, and the Lego Group actually built an airport there to help with transporting their goods and then turned it over to a private organization to run. Maybe if we go there someday, we could fly into Billund, Denmark! Oh, and a of 2008, 90% of all Lego products are still produced there! How cool is that! Talk about a local business and NOT selling out to the United States! Here's the Wikipedia article I found really interesting!  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Billund,_Denmark

Just a little water play action before dinner. It actually is kind of nice that Abishai, with a little bit of help from Keturah, can get his swim stuff on quickly, and get outside for a few minutes. She loves to spray him and they ran around for about 15-20 minutes. And then clean up was a breeze. Strip at the door, hang stuff up, go get dressed. Boom. Done. Dinner time.

Big helper!

Summer camps are canceled. They will do something at church, but aren't sure what they will look like yet.

It's Saturday, and I can't get my act together. I don't feel up to yelling at kids and husband to do anything "productive" so I leave alone. We finish yesterday's school. I try out Colorstreet stick on nail polish. I try to take a nap. And I try not to cry. I try on clothes, deciding on what to send back, but now my card is maxed until I get something back, so that plan didn't work. I didn't work out or shower. Am I depressed? I just can't deal. I don't know what to do, what to think. Someone please tell me what's next? The in laws are heading to New Orleans just because they can, sort of. What do we think about that? How does that affect us getting together with them in the future when we disagree about what precautions to take? Now I feel like an idiot. We live a street over and refuse to get together because of how we are handling this pandemic. But other families get together. They get to have real conversations. I'm left in the dark. Jared only has business talk to them. That's not a relationship. This Covid-19 thing as really messed up everything.

I can't talk to the oldest because all I want to do is cry. I can't find the time to talk to the husband about any of it. I just want to watch videos all night and play video games. Life is boring. I just want to stay in bed. I can't think anymore. What's right and what's wrong? No one cares. So I'll sleep. Or ignore everything and everybody. What's for dinner? Ask Dad. Can you go on electronics? Ask Dad. Need something fixed? Ask Dad. I don't even want to go outside to enjoy the beautiful sunshine and 81 degrees. Whoops. I forgot that I need to start the seasonal clothing change. Yikes. I'm to tired. I have another tension/rebound/withdrawal headache. I can't do much when I feel like crap. I don't know what to think of Shakeology. It was ok. Not sure of the ingredients. I'm wandering and listless. No energy. Time to sleep.

Justin worked in Gary's yard and brought home cookies. Benaiah did Bible class with Grandpa and came home with a 2 liter. Do we wipe these things down? Or just take the risk? Jared played with Abishai all day. Abishai didn't like Mommy's painted nails. Keturah made orbeez stress balls and all I can think of is them breaking and orbeez everywhere. Jared made bacon for breakfast and Abishai had two potato cakes, eggy toast, and bacon. Jared cooked chicken and cut up salad ingredients for dinner. I'm grateful for that.  Keturah and Justin had showers. Benaiah spent a good amount of time on the phone with Ava in private. Sigh. No one thought to clean up the "helicopters" on the sidewalk or in the flower beds. The first purple iris did open up though, so that's a plus. I don't know what tomorrow will bring? Clothes sorting? Sleeping? Don't know. Maybe exercise. But sleep first.

If I throw away the checklist, what do I do? I don't get it. I did read her book, so I know the checklist that she's referencing, i.e. go to college, get a degree, have a job, find a husband, settle down, quite the job, have a kid, etc. etc.

Beautiful!

Yup, that's what I remember!

We moved some kitty litter bags (that were in the back of Benaiah's truck over the winter) and boom, look at all the worms! They moved FAST!

Abishai said, "I'm never touching them!" There's something wrong if a kid doesn't want to touch worms. I didn't make him, but I should have tried to do it myself. Ew!

We love bacon!

I bought these stick on nail things maybe a year ago. It's real nail polish! And they were pretty easy to put on. They smell like nail polish. I didn't do it perfectly and honestly, I don't like nail polish on my fingers. It feels heavy and not breathable.

These aren't cheap, but I used my least favorite ones to see how they work. I hadn't cut my fingernails for awhile, so it was the perfect time. I think I've painted my fingernails a dozen times in my whole life!

Little man doesn't understand what I did with my nails. He doesn't want me to touch him. He asked how long they last, too. I don't think I've worn nail polish since he was born.

Eat the rainbow thanks to Daddy's cutting skills.

Sunday, on the upswing, finally. I went to bed way early last night. I couldn't fall back asleep this morning because my body isn't used to having that much time in bed and my back was sore. It still is. I haven't worked out yet, but the sunroom and I got hot today. So I'm quickly getting this done and then doing that, hopefully while listening to something else. That means I have to watch the screen better! Or, maybe not. It's a new routine. The problem with working out with a video is that you can't do anything else! Sometimes the time goes by fast, and sometimes it doesn't. The biggest change is that I finally got rid of my headache. Stupid rebound headaches! I want to take pain medication for other parts of my body but if I take more than one dose, I'll get a withdrawal headache. This time, I started with excedrin migraine and then used tylenol for a couple of days. And I used the CBD muscle rub that Young Living put together. That stuff is amazing! I wish it didn't have so much beeswax/shea butter/coconut oil in it because it leaves me greasy and then all pimply. No product is perfect, that's for sure. I have another CBD rollon as well. I like the menthol/peppermint combo.

Before church, I did all the chores, ran laundry, put away laundry, showered, cleaned up email, played my video game. After church, I sent pictures to Mr. Nanney for a banner to go on the street a week before graduation in front of the school (and yeah, we get to keep it! it will save me money!), switched out my seasonal clothes (which didn't really need to be purged so I didn't worry about it), worked on IAHE stuff, put away dishes, cut dog toe nails, printed off the list of library books that were in limbo so I can get that squared away this week when they open curbside service, and the kids watched Crave while we had supper of fish, mashed potatoes, and veggies. Benaiah made some awesome looking lemon cranberry muffins. Everyone had screen time. Abishai wouldn't give up wearing his super hot winter pjs, although we have the a/c on because it's so muggy already (why is it always fine until memorial day weekend?) Abishai wore Daddy out on the trampoline. They've had a ton of time together this weekend. It frees me up a bit, that's for sure.

Cutie! Taken 11 years ago. always the rounder face. Back when she let me dress her in pink!

Today's cutie! It's Abishai on a shelf! Yes, he climbs up there by himself. C'mon guys! It's bweakfast time!

I LOVE these cards! I'm thinking about buying them but they are $15 a pop! It would be in place of a gift, that's for sure!

Right before we started church, Keturah's youth leader stopped by and dropped this off! How sweet! Bubbles, Peanut MM's and a card full of Scripture and notes!

Always! Although, I did have the couch clear last night so this didn't happen. But, as always, little man was already working hard on them before we got out of bed.

Pretty much the same as always watching church on the big screen.

The irises that Jared planted a couple of years ago are starting to bloom, too. Now I have the white and light purple new ones and the dark purple "older" ones! I've been sharing the pics with Alisha, who took care of the older ones, because they had to put their Eli dog to sleep this week. The purple one bloomed the very next day!

Wildflowers!

Stir crazy Abishai used the trees at an obstacle course. Then he threw pinecones at Daddy!

She definitely loves to decorate! She's not that girly girl, but she likes to rearrange all her things. We are currently in talks about switching up furniture in the kids' rooms. Daddy said a flat out "no." I think he just doesn't like money being spent and all the work that goes into moving furniture. Well, honey, like it or not, I will find myself a used set of triple bunks and get it done this summer. Now is the perfect time. We figured out how to reuse all the current beds and just buy one piece of furniture. We might not even have to buy a new mattress because I'm sure Abishai doesn't care about how worn Benaiah's old one is. We can work this out! Plus, we need to undo the boys' closet for the bathroom overhaul. I'd love to get it done this summer now that we have the money for it. And, I had Keturah start measuring things because she drew up a floor plan. It wasn't quite to scale, so we got some graph paper out. Math in action! Woot! Woot! Then we can present our findings to Daddy. I'm just going to have to do it whether he likes it or not. Pay now, ask later? Sometimes it's the way it happens with Mr. Tightwad and Mrs. Spender. But I make it stretch! I really do! I was fed up with switching cords in and out of the one electrical outlet we use in the kitchen, so I found a huge old power strip to plug small appliances into. Now, we don't use all these appliances at once, but they do sit on the counter at all times. I can't overload that circuit or it will blow. But now I can have all three things plugged in while leaving the top plug open for other things like the blender or Instapot. So, it might not look the best but it works just fine! I'm excited to do a makeover of the boys' room. We are going to wait and see if I can find things used and/or see if Grandma and Grandpa will help out since the cost for summer camps is going way down. New bunk beds and some Lego plates for a Lego table could be a great birthday present for the three oldest! A triple bunk new costs $500-$1000. We'll see!

I borrowed these from someone on our township's Facebook group so the credit goes to her. And to Mr. Talheim and thier team! This bull has been used for many, many township things over the past 30-40 years!

Love it!

Thanks for sharing, Nicole, whoever you are!

Keturah decided tor transform her MM's package into a "pillow" for her American Girl dolls! How creative! She says she's seen these kinds of full size pillows for kids and adults in real life (or in magazines/videos) so she thought, why not? Lol!

I'm so glad Daddy can bounce again!

Panoramic view. The tire swings are getting a bit more use this year. And Keturah had a great idea of seeing if we can seal the wood on her bed and putting it outside as part of the playground or as a pseudo tree house! It definitely needs to be trashed as a bed. Again, Jared is saying no to getting wood and building a tree house and I don't get it. We have the money now. I mean, yes, we have it in savings for retirement, sort of. Why not spend it on things the kids will do outside? We are going to repurpose and reuse!

We were still eating dinner so we started watching this week's Crave as a family. We had fun laughing at the funny videos and Jared and I enjoyed the interview with a youth leader who is the daughter of our dentist and is a health care worker. Then they went their separate ways to listen to the worship by one of our former youth ministers and a message by one of the other youth leaders. Abishai and Daddy played more Minecraft.

EDITED: Uh, I totally messed up. The entry below is supposed to be on the NEXT post, but I clicked on the wrong post to open up. I don't think it really matters in the long run which post it's on because our life is pretty boring these days. But my time is precious. I will just make a note on the next post that Wednesday's info and pics are on this post. The next post is https://melinda-j.blogspot.com/2020/05/year-5-may-18th-21st-2020-birthday-week.html

Fun times! Here's the entry for NEXT week's post:

Wednesdays are my worst days. I get so overwhelmed by the middle of the week at what I haven't accomplished yet and I try to push hard and then we all have small groups...well, Benaiah officially doesn't anymore. (insert crying emoji) Another milestone has been reached. No more D (devotional) -group (which is what they were called before they were called just small group). We call our midweek groups Bible study, but we refer to everyone in the group as our small group when we included our spouses and children. Anyway, I had midweek Bible study and youth group. Kids have small groups and Crave or life groups and Middle School worship or whatever. It used to be just CIY, now it's CIY Move, Mix, Restart(?) I don't know. Oh, on a sad note. CIY had to terminate some employees so they don't get into financial trouble. That's hard! I can't imagine! Anyway,...

Bible study was good. We kept on topic a bit but also talked about what was on our hearts and minds from getting a mortgage, divorce, Covid-19, graduation, work, etc. I was able to say some things that I don't know that they really understood (I tried to talk clearly and loud) about some recent happening with family. It felt good to tell it to someone. I also realized that they've been texting each other separately and not in a group message. So now I feel left out. Oh well, I'll following up individually tomorrow. I totally didn't know a friend quit her job 3 weeks ago. I need to stop being offended by not knowing. Back in the old days, people didn't know instantly what was going on and when people did get together to "catch up" they really did have things to talk about. Not sure I can stop feeling disappointed when family doesn't tell me things, however. That's still not cool. I have some other issues going on there, though.

Ok, stop being distracted, Melinda. Stupid phone. I didn't do my stretching today, so I need to do that before watching other shows. Sigh. Stop getting sucked in! Let it go!

I do feel incredibly sore from my workouts but in all kinds of muscles that haven't felt sore in awhile, like my sides and abs. That's a good thing! That means the soreness will go away and it's not a fibro flare. Plus my legs from leg day yesterday. I did rearrange the exercise a bit to add in another rest day now that I've found my limits sort of speak. I'm going to check out a few more of the extra videos and then jump into the full program. But it's still hard to find the 30-40 minutes. There's so much I can do with 30-40 minutes like answer people's request for homeschool information as the CDC has now issued guidelines and the whole internet is in an uproar (thus my distraction).  But I'm backing away and waiting for the people to come to me. I put my name and info out there. I've got enough at home to deal with like kids who have half of the assignments they had last week but are taking longer to finish them. And it's due to electronics! So, no more "I'm just reading on open library! (digital books)" excuses. No electronics until math is done and checked. Then I can be free to do other things and not have to wait on them. Verbally telling them wasn't cutting it. The social experiment of letting them free rein on electronics won't be until we are done with this last bit of school and math, so later in June I think. Anyway, keeping my mind on home and trying to not get too upset at my in laws for being in New Orleans and at Jared for following the letter of the guidelines because he's afraid of the pain he'll be in if he gets sick. Both valid. And I'm in the middle. And I'm with my friends. Wear the mask, social distance, but start going out there. The in laws wanted to be done with this before it all started and listen to one side of the story. Jared is on the other side. At some point, we will have to trust God to protect us, while taking precautions, while still living some kind of life outside these four walls. Sigh.

Oh, and both kids didn't do well on their math today. I'm done. I'm over it. Time to be done with school. I can't take telling them one more time to look back in their books to remember how the problems are done. Or how do you write a paragraph. Or do you really understand what you read? I'm done done. I need a complete change of pace. Not necessarily house projects like I normally do on breaks, but to just focus on other things like working out, like the piles that are on my desk, like crafting, like just playing with Abishai. Time to switch gears for a few months. And do less nagging and checklists.

The girls received their picture from Abishai.

Yup, duh.

Justin spends hours on the tablet copying photos into his own drawings. Check it out! He's the only one in our family so far that can draw like this!

And then he writes dork messages like this to his friend.

I think we need to go over how to write a personal letter. Man this sounds childish. Yes, I checked on him when I was putting a stamp on it. At least he can write out an address and return address.

"It's ok Mom. I've got this." Abishai was wiping off his own wet feet and then wiped off Socks' paws, too.

Awww

Double awww

Gotta love Aldis! No synthetic colors! Perfect for those who are sensitive to red dye! The dyes they used were vegetable and spices and herbs based!  I tasted the candy, aka the sprinkles, and they were good!

Had to take a picture with a blank piece of paper for a future project for church. Hm,....photo shop will be the maker's friend I think. And Jared used the flash and I forgot to turn it off.

I NEVER use flash! Sigh. But, this is Abishai's monster truck/car event. He has an audience (the bottom line of cars) and the performers all parked like they were at the Monster Jam show ready to take their turn at the jump to fly over the monster trucks.

Beautiful! I need to go outside every day to inspect them. It cooled off again (and I had to bring out the space heater again).

Blurry because of the wind. It looks like the first flower is done and the second is about to bloom.

I don't think this single bulb is going to make it this year. I hope the bulb itself survives and it grows again next year. If not, they easily populate themselves. I'll just have to transplant them.

Where is Justin? I'm using my scope and stealth skills to sneak up on him.

There he is! Justin mowed today because he could.  The new riding mower can't fit through our gate like the first one could, so he still has to mow by hand. BUT, he did go get the trimmer from the other house and returned it without help or being reminded. That's progress.

Hard to mow when you are being chased by a dog and a kid with a big nerf gun.

Finally got most of my returns ready. I didn't return enough, I know. I've lived and learned through this experience. I've paid a lot in "stupid tax." But, I'm trying to take a vloggers' mantra of "Yup, we spent money, but learned through this experience." kind of thing. Like them buying the wrong kind of seeds or chickens or whatever. Learn from experience. We aren't risk takers like they are (they are extreme), but it's a good way to not get too upset about money wasted on faster shipping. I've lived and learned. The process was a bit easier at home as far as trying on clothes and the return process was super easy. Now, I just hope that I returned the right things and I get full credit for them. When I returned things in the store, I would get the current sale price, which was often lower than what I paid for. It's fast fashion at Old Navy. I should step up my game again to a nicer store, but, that time will come when I resettle into what I really want to wear. This time, I picked more older lady kind of clothes that actually hide my belly, but will also look good when the belly is flatter. This was all for the Israel trip in November. Which, yes, I can only take a few shirts with me, but these lighter weight long sleeve shirts will also serve me well when it's cold at church but hot outside.

Scenes like this will come to abrupt halt when Benaiah goes back to work on Monday.

Justin let the girls have the Trolls Lego set he got with his Star Wars set. It's so cool looking! I know Keturah wanted it, but Justin bought the Star Wars sets with his own money, so it was his choice what to do with this freebie. It was the freebie of the month, that's why it wasn't Star Wars. He did keep the extra Star Wars specific freebie for buying during the May the 4th be with you sale.

The End