The J6 Journey: Year 5, May 8th-10th, 2020: It's the End!

Covid-19 Days 50-52

Is it the End of Time? Is it the End of Lockdown? Is the End of the Road? Nope, it's the End of school! Sort of. We hit 180 days of homeschooling for the year! To be clear, again, we only have to keep track of the same number of days as the local school district, which in our case, was 165 days for Franklin Township, Indianapolis, Indiana. The school year of course was cut short by Covid-19. However, this mean mama homeschool teacher made us go to 180 becuase why not? What else do we have to do? But, we (really I) want to finish our math and history book, and science and wordlview for Justin. I also want to finish our reading lists and CC (classical conversations, Foundations memory work) review. So, we'll keep going until those are done. The kids said they are ok with it because we all agreed it keeps them busy. Keturah is doing so well with her math and CC and reading, it's hard to stop! With Justin being in 9th grade, we really shouldn't be carrying over books and subjects to the next year. We could, because we can do whatever we want, but I'd like to have some clear start and stops. Typically, a school doesn't go through a whole textbook start to finish. They have to skip some of it. Not so in our homeschool. We'll finish everything hopefully in the next couple of weeks. Math and CC might take a bit longer. Exciting!

Oh, and because of spring break and the schools here only counting 4 out of 5 days of the week as school, those kids are still in public school for another 2-3 weeks I think. Longest summer vacation ever! And then they don't know if/when they will go back. And no one can go anywhere until the stay at home order is lifted which isn't until July 4th at the earliest that all restrictions (besides maybe masks) are lifted. So, yeah, so weird. And so frustrating. I just want to get out of here! Again, all day, because it was cold outside, we were in each other's spaces. And all I heard, all day, was "Can I have screen time? Why can't I have screen time?" I think when we are done with school, I'm going to take a week (hopefully when it's super hot so I don't feel like we are wasting the nice weather), I might just let them have a week of any amount of screen time they want and see if they actually get bored of it. I've never done that. We haven't done movie marathons all in one day. I might be on my phone a lot but it's not just video after video (although those games, man, they do get played a lot!). But I'm also up and down and in and out and put down my phone while I stir a pot and then pick it back up again, etc. Even when I watch YouTube, I have to be playing a game on my phone or something. I get bored. So, I think it would be an interesting experiment. And well, we have no travel plans this summer, so why not! Then maybe I can sit on my computer and edit and print pictures for graduation and make a book, etc. I'm putting that off until school is really done. That's if we decide to do the open house late July or in August. If it's in June, I've got to hurry up and get done. We'll see!

Today we woke up to Abishai reciting word for word, just like the narrator's intonation, the story of Daniel and the Lions Den from the Kids' Bible App that he and Daddy uses. Some kids quote movies, my genius kid is quoting Bible stories. He understands them too, and asks questions. I hope you're ready for him, Grandpa! I cannot wait to start him on Grandpa memory work and CC memory work. I'm going to have Keturah work with him so she's reviewing them as well, but I won't have her recite them to me. I'll train her of course. This should be fun! Anyway, every time he sits down at the dining room table, he plays with that 7 C's cube, too. Love it! Meanwhile, (and I didn't get a picture yet!), Keturah finished that huge puzzle I started! She spent hours doing it off and on, especially during read aloud time (note to self, do this again next year for read aloud time). She said it was really hard and I agree, that's why I quickly gave up. I'm going to leave it on the board for a few days so I can look at it and read all the fun facts and such. Way to go, Keturah!

Justin, will, poor Justin. Again, his schoolwork is a mess. I am going to find out what kind of help we should be asking for and start with our PCP and get a referral to have him tested. Although his problem is minor compared a ton of other people's I know, we are struggling. He was so frustrated with himself (and me being angry didn't help) that he was crying and mad and gave himself a tension headache. Based on some things my sister has sent me, he could have some ADD. It runs in the family we think. Again, mild, probably something we can get under control with some behavioral help and coping mechanisms, but I don't have time to find out everything there is about it, so I'm to see if we can get some professional help that is covered under Medicaid. Being the peacemaker, people pleaser, Enneagram 9, introvert that he is, it's hard to watch him struggle so much. I can't help him. I don't have this issue. Ok, well, I have a hard time memorizing anything and always have. So, maybe I'll learn some things that will help me along the way.

Justin's Star War Lego sets came today! Keturah wanted the free Trolls set, but Justin wouldn't let her have it. It was his money spent on the sets, so he gets to choose what he does with the free set. Then I got my hoodie from Somers in Alaska. Jared got a book from somewhere. Benaiah is always bringing home something. And I just bought a Lego set for Abishai. So, poor Keturah, who is broke, and has no real opportunities to earn money, but is working really hard on her schoolwork and washing her face regularly (because I said she could have a phone if she did), deserves an end of the school year gift. She wants Orbeez, or water beads, so I'm looking into them now. I'll let her decide on them tomorrow. It isn't fair when you think about it. So, we'll see. It seems like they are pretty cheap on Amazon. It will be something she can have fun with and maybe I'll get some that she and Abishai can share as well. We'll see!

Benaiah did some homework today and then took a 4 mile round trip walk down into Wanamaker and back with Ava. It was really too cold to be out, but they survived. He told me last night that he was going to do it, but I didn't know Ava was going to join him. I thought he was going to see if he could see Ethan. Well, when the girlfriend's mom lets you be closer again, you take advantage of that, right? That's ok. He bought a gallon of milk because he hates the dry milk so, it works out. The streets over there are very quiet, so I don't mind. It wouldn't be a bad walk for anyone really. He also bought a new Lego video game. I can't remember which one now, but I think it's Star Wars. Uh, that kind of game is way below his game playing skills. I think he's logged in so many hours on his favorite game that he's getting tired of it. He's been playing on Minecraft as well and Abishai even told him he should build a pool on his map, lol. I think he's ready to go back to work, too. He says he only has one thing he can work on this weekend for school. Four more school days left! I wish we could get a hold of his cap and gown (maybe I'll send an email to Mr. Nanney) so we could have it for his senior pictures. Still no word on how this is all going to play out. But, we'll see.

I did work out. I did enjoy opening my hoodie and sharing it on Instagram. I don't have energy to make brownies, so that's going on the list for tomorrow, especially since I found some GF cookie dough in the freezer. I was thinking of making black bean brownies, but we only have white beans. Jared wants me to go with him to his appointment on Monday so we can go to Aldi's right afterwards. I hope that they get a truck on Sunday night/Monday morning, or it will be slim pickings by Monday morning. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. So, I'll have to make a grocery list and I'm going to try some new recipes with my Beachbody "Conquer the Kitchen" plan. Pretty basic ingredients, but, I want to change things up a bit. And maybe we can just plan for two weeks instead of 3-4 weeks. The first time, we went 22 days between trips and this time, we will have gone 25 days between trips. That's huge! I used to got every 10-14 days. It's just easier at this point. And then when things open up, we'll get that second fridge. But for the weekend, we are pretty much eating out of canned stuff like hash and tuna. And the freezer is empty looking. Except my shelf. But I'm going to eat the mussels and other seafood I have up there for Mother's Day. And I pulled out the other GF rolls that were frozen. The fruits and veggies drawers are empty as well. There's still canned and frozen though. We'll make it. No worries.

Nothing much on the agenda for the weekend. I did buy myself that hoodie as an incentive to fit into it better by next winter, and I bought that book from another vlogger, and I did buy myself a mother's ring (I don't know when I'll receive it though), so I've got Mother's Day covered for myself, lol. I'm an emotional shopper sometimes, I know. But I don't usually regret it. Oh and I bought those Old Navy shirts too. I was surprised that I got actually get the hoodie on and it's so luxurious! I can wear the leggings bought at Aldi's for $15 or whatever with it next winter and be so cozy! Anyway, I treated myself. And Jared squints his eyes and then looks the other way. Lol. Ok, gotta go write my list to do something productive tomorrow.

These are so out of order, but that's ok.

Awesome logo! From North Pole, which is close to Fairbanks!

Ah!

I tried to be creative and funny with this!

I did suck in my stomach here. I though I might have gotten it too small, but I'm glad I got it over my head and down my body. It's tight, but wearable. I hope things will look better next fall!

Gotta get those tags for Instagram!

Best....meme....ever....

Ah! I have a package from NORTH POLE, ALASKA!!!!

The total outfit. You can see how it's fitted. The hoodie part of course is not my favorite, but I'm sure it will be helpful!

Detail on the front.

Maybe I knew this before, BUT, I was looking up my old youth minister (I can't remember if he was at MCC for 1 or 3 or so years?) John Luzzader because I know he worked at CIY for a long time. Well, come to find out, he and Chad Monahan are BFF's! I swear that Chad is like Gary and that he knows everybody! So cool!

Here are the Luazzaders, well, 8 years ago now. John doesn't update Facebook. Michelle came with him to MCC and I know they had trouble having kids so it's great to see that they had kids. I took John to the Michael W. Smith concert where I met Michael W. Smith for the first time. My worship minister, John Cassetto, was also at the concert and I have a picture of the three of us with Michael, at Michael's bus after the show. Anyway, you just never know who knows who!

Woke up to this guy telling Bible stories and then bringing all his vehicles in to play with.

I'm not sure how Daddy is going to work today.

I asked Abishai if he likes having Daddy home all day every day and he said, "Yes, because I like bugging him!" Bwahahaha.

Hey, I was trying to make the bed!

Dinosaury wanted to play Minecraft! He has headphones on, too!

Yeah, it's almost here! (see pics above)

Playtime while Daddy works.

Adorable. Quarantine life can't get any better than this. Little dude is so happy about this life.

We sent out the kissing police to make sure Ava and Benaiah were behaving in Benaiah's truck bed. Abishai actually did scare Ava because he came up quietly on her side of the truck!

He bought them during the "May the 4th be with you" sale and got in exclusive set, plus the normal monthly freebie. Sigh. Can't get enough! But, we (he) now have all kinds of Mandalorians and D-O! And once the Razercrest comes out in September, we will have Baby Yoda, too!

Stealing this recipe from an online friend. Sounds delish!

Way cool! It's all about the mini figures!

Yup, I got it!

Get 'er done, Saturday! Well, for me at least. I wanted everything cleaned up well, including Abishai's play areas. I took a shower today instead of tomorrow so I won't feel rushed in the morning. I picked out my special foods and made myself a GF dessert. I'm thinking of wearing of my new hoodie and/or shirt I got from Old Navy that I will be keeping and staring at the picture of my new mother's ring. I have my books I want to read picked out and my crosstitch. And then I want to be left alone. I don't want to hear the words "can I have screen time?" or "I'm hungry." Or "Justin did this, Keturah did that." I want kind words said to me or none at all. And because Jared hasn't positively encouraged me in front of the kids (except for "listen to your mother") or given me anything on Mother's Day or encouraged the kids to, I know I won't get anything. It has, does, and will always hurt. And with the oldest child thinking he's everything and a basket of chips and he can do whatever he wants, it hurts all the more.

So back to today. I vacuumed everything myself, washed our sheets and the towels, and exercised. Justin mowed and trimmed. Abishai cuddled us of course and says he will stay with us forever (I halfway believe that he will someday be the one taking care of us.) I ordered water beads for Abihai and Keturah. I tried on some shirts I brought through Old Navy and I should have bought a smaller size. I wanted them flowy, but they might be too flowy. I want to call and see if I can exchange them for the same price as I bought them for. Next time, I will go ahead and buy two different sizes and return the one. I have a big enough credit limit where that wouldn't be a problem. Plus, I typically buy the "on sale" stuff that sells out after a week, so I can't always get the same style in the size I want. So,....we'll see. I do like the textures and fabrics and they aren't see through, so that's good.

It was a bit warmer today, so the kids got outside a little bit. Jared put down some carpenter ant chemicals. Gary and Leah stopped by on their health walk to say Happy Mother's Day. We were going to do the same tomorrow, but it's going to rain all day. Fine. Good. I'm moody anyway. Or just grieving again. I don't have anything else to say. It was a pretty unremarkable day. Jared didn't feel good and took a long nap per usual. I failed at being a good mother. The End.

I was too busy with my to do list for pictures today (which was the subject of tonight's argument again with Benaiah), but I got these of Justin and Abishai running with Socks in the front yard right before dinner. It was still chilly today, so I didn't go outside. The irises are getting ready to finish budding and bloom, but I think the cold weather slowed them down.

Poor dog doesn't last long and he knows that he needs to stay nearby when we in front. Sigh. And yes, those are the same pjs Abishai has worn for the last two days and he wears them 24/7. I lost the battle of getting them changed out of pjs a long time ago. Actually, I take that back. Keturah did change today without being reminded.

Awww, brothers.

Just as I finished cleaning up all the extra toys and putting them where they belong, Abishai drags out his book box and blanket and pillow (yes, he's now using an outside chair pillow as his sleeping pillow.) so he could take a nap.

Actually, I think Dinosaury was tired of keeping an eye on Abishai all night, so he was taking a nap.

Keturah joined the "Don't take a picture of me, Mom." train, but I made her do it anyway. She completed this puzzle by herself. I did the border and she pretty much did the rest over a week's time. It was HARD!

Gorgeous.

1,000 pieces AND it was HUGE.

I liked listening to this young Queen Elizabeth II remembering V-E or Victory Day after WWII. She and her sister snuck down into the crowds to get a first hand feel of what the commoners were feeling. Kind of like Princess Jasmine from Aladdin, eh? She talked about how her mother and father had to keep going out to the royal balcony at the demands of the crowd more than 6 times! She was still just a princess then. She also did sign up to be a mechanic in the army or whatever and do some training. Good for her!

Mother's Day was exactly like it's always been: NO breakfast in bed, NO cards, NO candy, NO words of appreciation and love. Each year that passes makes it harder and harder to go through. Each time my mother in law asks the kids what they did for their mother and they say "No" or "not yet" and she doesn't follow up with, "Why not?" Even when Jared washed a few pots and made sure some of the kids were fed, it was met with grunts and groaning. The phrase he uses is "Your not my mother, so why would I say it?" Because I say "Happy Mother's Day" to ALL moms I know. I'm glad I shed a few tears over a different matter last night but I've been holding back the tears today, again. I wish things were different. I wish my kids were less selfish, talking less about what Legos they want and asking more about "How can I help?" I've been a bad example because yes, I do do a lot for them, but I complain more. I don't offer help consistently. I'm too tired to even think about it after dealing with them all day. My sister asked if I say "I love you" to them, and you know what? I don't. I don't know why it's hard for it to come out of my mouth. I don't know why my love for someone or something is so conditional. I don't think my parents said it much, and I know they had a standard of excellence, but they also didn't admonish me if I wasn't perfect either. I knew they loved me unconditionally. So, I don't know where this lack of saying the right words comes from. Do I love out of duty? Is that why I'm having such a hard time watching the kids come to the end of childhood in a form that I was hoping it wouldn't be? I'm not talking about their interests or even their education or lack thereof. I'm talking about character. How can every other great mom I know have kids that respect her and take a dang picture with her? How do you have time to admonish and love? 4 minutes. That's all it would take to have one on one time with each of them. That's what Angela Braniff does every single day. Touch and say and I love you. Every day. Am I that dark hearted that I can't do it?

I hate Mother's Day because it reminds of my faults. It's my fault they don't say I love you. It's my fault that they are selfish. It's my fault that they don't know how to appreciate someone. It's my fault I'm all about conditional love. So, I'm more mad and frustrated at myself and them. Well, and Jared. He knows better. He's always known better. But he doesn't do holidays. That's why I bought myself that sweatshirt. That's why I bought myself a mother's ring. That's why I refused to cook and just sat at the table drinking coffee. I read my book in the same room as Jared and Abishai, in order to give others the opportunity to say "Thank you." because I was told earlier in the day to stop hiding. I did take a nap during screen time. I was going to do some crossstitch, but the nap was fast coming on. When I woke up, as I often do, I had some thoughts on how to just do what I want to do for Benaiah, whether or not he'd appreciate it. It will involve some prankish type of stuff and may or may not fall on certain special days depending on the weather. So that's good. I came up with some detailed plans on how to accomplish it and when, especially if no one will help me. Because of Covid-19, I can't exactly go to all the party stores and such, so I'll do some research on how to write on car windows and blow up balloons the day before I want to do something and buy lots of saran wrap at the grocery store tomorrow. I'm kind of in a holding pattern with open house things since Lisa said she will change the date. I don't want to buy a bunch of decorations that I won't be using. But at the same time, they might not be available for too long, so yeah, I need to figure that out. Anyway, all the little stuff. It does make it extremely hard to work on anything related to him when I'm thoroughly upset about him though. Since he was busy with homework, Ethan, and Ava today, I barely saw Benaiah. And yes, it hurts, but at the same time, I needed to not engage with anymore arguing. I almost did at supper over church related things. Stupid me can't hold my tongue.

So yeah, I made myself just do what I wanted. A nap, a lunch that was easy to cook of foods mostly for me that no one else would eat so I wouldn't have to share, reading a book, phone time, yup. I didn't do the yoga routine that I could have, but I had worked out two days in a row and my upper abs are sore, but not terribly painful. My legs aren't terrible and neither were my arms. I think I might just be finding my limits. I'll do Yoga or another Barre routine tomorrow, despite taking a ton of time on groceries in the morning. I have less read alouds with Keturah, but I'll have to do some schooling in the afternoon. Pizza for dinner as it is grocery day. I did somewhat look through the Conquer the Kitchen menus and grocery list, but I'll probably pin that down before I got to bed. We are going to aim for a 2 week grocery run. The conditions out there aren't getting any better and it's actually pretty stressful not having fresh fruits and vegetables and eating things I really shouldn't be eating, and same for the kids. Too many carbs, not enough protein, fruits and vegs. Surprisingly, our grocery bill has been half of what it had been in January and February. So, there are some principles we can still apply, like portion control, but after I analyze it a bit more, I think some things are in the wrong category, and purchases, like alcohol, were also included in those months. If I include say, the order for NutPods coffee creamer in the budget, that's $40 I spent just yesterday. Thankfully there was that room in the budget for my extra spending on clothes, jewelry, health supplements, shampoo, etc. I finally felt ok to spend on them because we weren't spending in other ways plus all that extra bonus from the government. I had reality check, though, at the dentist's office when I remembered I have to pay out of pocket for my wisdom tooth removal. I will pay myself back with HSA money, but that will take some time and patience. Good thing we have a good credit card with points that go to Amazon purchases! In fact, I just bought water beads for Keturah as an "end of year gift" and it was entirely paid for, $45 worth, by Amazon points. I run the big household bills through there and then in the next few minutes/clicks, I pay it off. In fact, HSA hit again today, so I can pay myself back for a few things now.

I'll say it again, for once, a major catastrophe, hasn't affected us financially or drastically changed our lifestyle. All my issues were issues previous to this. The angst I feel with Benaiah, I was already feeling before. He's been around more so we fight more, but even in that, God knew I needed to realize and see that and wake up. A lot of it is normal. Some of it is intensified given what has happened in the past 4 1/2 yrs. But the common factor is me. I'm the issue. There's always something wrong with me. I want to try something new. I want to be different. But I tire so easily and slip into the old patterns so quickly. It's so frustrating. I can be bold and say, "I don't care. I am who I am. I'm doing my best." one day and then be a wreck the next day realizing how messed up I am and how I'm ruining my kids. It's hard when you want to "seize the day" and the rest of the family is good with mediocrity. But today's sermon was by our new pastor of outreach, Darnell, and he had the passage of "whatever you do for the least of these." And he actually reminded us that some people feel led to meet the physical needs of going and doing on mission trips, and he didn't actually say this, but something to the effect that we need to support those that go. Or there's other ways to minister. I took that to mean, yes, I can send money and prayers. And I can send emails and notes. Sometimes they are lost because others are doing the same thing for someone who is in a high profile position or is an online celebrity. But I still have a platform. I still have ways to encourage. And I've been absolutely horrible about it this spring with my negative, opinionated talk. It's all landed on deaf ears. So, I hide things on my timeline now. I won't go on social media on a triggering holiday. That's all I can do.

And maybe I'm not immune to all the angst this virus has caused. We need to make some decisions soon about seeing people in person, i.e. actually planning on getting together with people when Indianapolis moves from Phase 1 to Phase 2 on Friday. Benaiah already jumped the gun by taking Ethan in his truck to Arby's and Ollie's this afternoon. Sigh. I'm just ready to make a decision so we know how to answer people that want to get together, like in laws, small group, and friends. I've had to remind my homeschool friends that Marion County is still on lockdown. You aren't supposed to be gathering in groups (although some have been in the church parking lot and ahem, the church has flaunted that) unless absolutely necessary. So, me traveling to the other county that is open should be a hard and fast no. I need to reread the rules. Again, to make a decision about getting together with people so I can plan things if/when I need to and I have guidelines to follow when people ask.

That's about it. What did the kids do? Church, screen time, eat, Legos, video games, argue, Justin studied, Benaiah studied, yup, pretty much the same stuff.

Or I'm a genius. I'm kind of glad the cookies didn't spread out too far. I overcooked the whole thing, so now I'm going to have to warm it up or soak it in my almond milk, but that's ok. It just means I won't eat the whole thing at once. I was going to share it with the kids but didn't push it and they ate ice cream instead.

I was partly cleaning out my section of the fridge so I could rotate the special foods. I had bought this all when they were available, saving them for a special occasion for myself. The kids don't like these at all. Scallops and mussels do upset my stomach, so I have to be careful. And yummy vegetable fries, low in carbs, and asparagus, help to offset the brownie. I could have added a GF roll to the meal, but saved those for later.

First of the three musketeers to turn 18. David Masengale. I stole this from his Facebook page.

Same story.

He did watch the service from the comfort of his bed at 11am "with" us since he was awake.

My brother Paul-Mikael turned 33 today. He was born ON Mother's Day 33 years ago. The story goes that my mom ate a whole box of chocolates either at home or at the hospital the night before he was born because she wasn't supposed to eat it during labor and/or breastfeeding? I can't remember which. She's never had an allergy to milk and I don't think we were sensitive to it either. I think it was a wives' tale kind of thing. Point is. A whole box of chocolates. Yup, sounds like me! In the first video after this next picture, we sang Happy Birthday to my brother. Then it's Abishai singing a song he heard on my phone.

I showed Abishai this silly little Happy Mother's day song video that no less than FOUR people sent me! And then he tried to mimic it. So cute. He also picked out his outfit. Yes, it's a turtle neck. It does fit him perfectly now, but who knows next winter. I think he looked pretty spiffy.

All cooked and ready to eat. I didn't add butter to anything. I probably should have. I felt ill after the first bite. Whoops. Or was it my upper ab muscles were sore from working out.

And thoughtful Abishai put Bumblebee at my place at the table because it was Mother's Day. He's the sweetest, probably because he gets the most lovings because we are better parents now than we were back when the others were young.

It's been a strange weather day. Sunny this morning, then clouds rolled in quickly at lunchtime and it's been light and dark every since. One weather report said the storms were traveling 40 mph.

One side of the house has blue skies and white puffy clouds.

The other side had dark stormy clouds and thunder because it was the back side of the storm that just hit it. Still in the lower 50's too. No rainbow though.

Turn a few degrees and see sunshine.

Baby feet.

Almost there! Stay strong!

Dancing as always. And a better look at his stylish outfit.

Always the video games with Dad. He's driving Daddy in a jeep in Lego Jurassic Park. They also watched Captain America: Winter Soldier while I was napping and he insisted Daddy watch it with him.