Year 5, May 1st-3rd, 2020: The Tide Turns

The weather has turned (it will hit 82 degrees tomorrow) and the state's regulations have done a 180. Instead of becoming stricter with it's guidelines, the state is starting to slowly, carefully, loosen them, all the while monitoring the numbers. I watched the whole 1 hr press conference today (instead of doing school), and was pleasantly surprised that I was happy with how and what the compromise came to be between the two very extreme opposing sides: open up everything right now because it's oppressive and it's tyranny vs. keep every single thing locked down tight until we have a vaccine (which could take 1-2 yrs). The slower, more timed approach, which hits right in the middle, letting those who are desperate to get out, go out at their own risk, but still under the law, and letting us who are more cautious not feel bad for doing so (we can blame the government on their restrictions instead of feeling foolish for staying home).  Over the next 8 weeks, Indiana will open up, sector by sector, and people group by people group, by letting stores or areas be at 25% capacity and then 50% and then 75%, all while practicing social distancing, i.e. 6 ft apart and wearing masks until we hit stage 5 around July 4th. We can meet in groups of 10 now, then 25, then larger and larger. Although individual cities and counties may place further restrictions on their residents based on their numbers, i.e. Marion County/Indianapolis is going to be 1-2 weeks behind everyone else because we have such high numbers. That won't stop the population from hopping over to the next county, but they do so at their own risk. Anyway, I think Governor Holcomb and his team did an excellent job of sharing some of the basic details of the plan and reminding the population that if you do not listen to the guidelines and the numbers start to surge again and there are no available beds (he showed us how a few of the numbers are calculated), then they will reevaluate and stricter guidelines will be put in force again.

In conclusion, well done, Indiana! When you are a politician and you have two very extreme sides screaming at you and critiquing your every move, to come up with a plan that is a compromise, but reassures both sides is amazing. The reason I took the time to actual listen to the Governor himself today was that I wanted to hear exactly what he said, how he said, his mannerisms, how he handled the media, etc. Everybody was certainly respectful today, the questions by the media were reasonable, and it went very smoothly. He's been talks with other states and they know our plans. I can't vouch for any of his other politics, but today, I'm happy to see that there was an articulate man at the podium (he did have a tele promoter at first, but was still articulate when answering questions, and willing to let others answer that had more information than he) and the plan was very well thought out. Now, as far as who gets to open up when, I'm done arguing that. If you don't think you should be open, then don't. If you don't think golf courses should be open (like I don't think they should be), then don't use them. I think libraries should be open, but I'm sure they will be last to open because they are such a public space. Masks and social distancing are here to stay for awhile. Indian Creek cannot have more than 10, then 25, then 250 people in their building until after July 4th, so I'm sure online streaming will be the norm for a while. Governor Holcomb SPECIFICALLY addressed worship services with those guidelines and the CDC's rules of social distancing (6 ft apart I believe is part of that, and no physical contact). 95% of churches are 250 people and less, so it should appease that part of culture. We could meet as small groups in homes again, so that would help the megachurches. So, I'm happy with that. We don't mind home church.

The speech today was going over the why's and basics. There is a whole website dedicated to all the details. It looks easy to find information. https://backontrack.in.gov/ 
We've been fully closed for about 5-6 weeks. Spending 8 weeks slowly reopening is very reasonable. Considering the timelines that other pandemics, world wars, plagues, and such that have lasted years and years, 3-4 months of life being mildly to majorly disrupted is very small. Major disruptions happen in life all the time that totally alter someone's life and puts someone out of work for months and years at a time. It's just a larger amount of the population right now. People will be rehired or find new jobs again. It will take time to rebuild. But we have the infrastructure. If you think about war torn countries like the former USSR states or Iraq and Iran or even Germany, it has taken them years and decades to rebuild. Our economy will be strong again sooner than you think. And like Jared said tonight, it has taught us that we all live with very little margin. From not stockpiling groceries to having cash in the bank for a rainy day. We don't have backup plans. We don't know what to do when things go awry. We don't leave space in the day to day for things to go wrong. Hopefully at least some people's habits will be changed by this.

One last thing, Gov. Holcomb said they are not discussing plans for public education until they get to phase 5, or not until July. At least not in the public sphere, so don't you dare, media, start asking about it. It will be the last thing to open. In fact, I don't know if we'll feel comfortable enough as a family even by then to send our kids to Kidustrial Park at church or to have playdates with large groups. We'll have to wait and see. I'm excited to spend time with the neighbors, who are our friends, whom we've said hello to on our walks a million times. Even today Abishai and Nolan wanted to play together and exchanged rocks. It was the cutest thing. They kept inching closer together and I had to gently remind them both that they couldn't do that. Poor things. It's going to be hard to keep kids off of each other when they do get to play with each other thing. That's why we will wait longer still. Benaiah goes back on May 26th. I haven't heard from the other mom about the open house, but I need to let things shake out a bit first. Her out of town guests' states also need to make decisions I'm sure about traveling. Michigan is currently a hot mess with how their governor has handling things. So, we'll see.

I worked on a few things this morning waiting on the kids to finish homework again. And they didn't finish until 2pm. Then the press conference was from 2:30 to 3:30 and I decided that was more important and almost forgot about Bible class at 4. So, school will be done tomorrow. I refused to stay inside one more minute on this gorgeous day! Justin did mow our yard, but then the trimmer cord broke when he was trimming so that's not done. It's supposed to be 82 degrees tomorrow when he does Grandpa's lawn. The 121st airplanes will fly over our house around 11:45-12noon, so we'll watch out for those and then Justin will got to Grandpa's. Which means, a regular early morning with school starting right after breakfast. Boo! I just couldn't handle the chaos and wanting to get outside. And I don't understand why everyone else doesn't have the urge to be outside. Abishai just wants playmates so I had to rotate all of us through today. That's why I can't wait to play again with Nolan and maybe they can spend a few hrs together at each other's houses. Just as long as Nolan keeps his clothes on, lol. I think they could be best buds here in a few years when they are allowed to ride bikes to each other's houses. And then with Ali's girls in between us, I think they will be going back and forth next to Scott's and Gary's yards. Oh the dreams I have for them! Who knows!

Benaiah went out for a drive this evening and then just hung out at Kroger at Southport I assume, maybe in the parking lot? He wanted to know when Amy would let Ava come over and inside the house and Amy said not yet. Maybe not even when some of the restrictions are lifted. So, he's very frustrated. Jared and I didn't want to say yes until at least the first wave of looser rules come May 15th for our county. So, Amy's decision became our final decision. Frustrating for sure for him and Ava, we understand that. We've done the long distance thing. For months at a time. Again, 4 months is not a very long time in the big scheme of things. We will live. You will live. Even those who lost jobs, homes, cars, etc, they will live and get back up on their feet again. Some won't, but the majority will. We've been without a job/paycheck for a couple of months at a time and never had to draw unemployment because we had help from family, or finally had some savings, or there was an overlap in paychecks. Our bills have always been paid on time. Always. Except for the mortgage on the Beech Grove house, which hurt my ego deeply. We let that go because it was going to end up in arrears anyway for how long it took to sell. We sold it for 1/3 of the price we bought it for and what the mortgage was for. Thankfully, there was still that debt forgiveness act in place. We sold it early in December and the debt forgiveness act ended on Dec. 31. God's provision of course. But other than that, we've had payment plans for hospital bills or paid in full. We've had small loans and utility bills. A little bit of credit card debt when we run out a few days before the next paycheck, but we have a handle on that now. And now we've got a big chunk in savings and retirement. But, we've had times when Jared didn't work for a few months or he only worked part time and went to grad school part time. I worked a little bit, but never a full salary. Anyway, we know what it looks like to be scared of money not coming in, but it also came in somehow, in time. I've watched my family members struggle with it, as well as my parents. I'm not immune to it. We just happened to be in a much better position financially this go around. So, I'm glad some can go back to work and help their situation. And the rest will get back to work soon, and it will be in a different field than before, but these businesses that are reopening will need employees. And the common people buying the goods will increase the demand again. That's how it all works. It's not the 1930's. We'll be fine.

So, that's that. Be patient. Listen to primary sources as much as you can rather than a news outlet. It was worth skipping school today to have that peace of mind. I tried to walk today, but Abishai and I only made it to Nolan's house and back to drop off a painted rock. I'm sore from yesterday's workout and I just want to sleep. It's making me irritable. I'm staying off of social media tonight as I've said my peace. I'm happy with the new guidelines. We will follow them. And that's that. I'm not willing to argue for either side anymore. I'll champion the plan and wait for others to make decisions on their businesses so that I know when I can go out and buy new sneakers or drop something off at goodwill. Whatever the stores choose to do, we'll follow, no questions ask from now on. And we'll stay home more than anyone else does. We are not essential and we aren't taking any risks. And that's that.

I made protein pancakes today.

They filled me for 5 seconds, and then I ate some cereal. I'm not ready to give up the carbs yet. And because this protein powder doesn't have a lot of sugar in it, I added some cream cheese to it to make it easier to eat. I only ate half of what I made, so I only got half the protein I wanted, but it was ok. At least they cooked up nicely and had the right texture. I only used half the milk though.

Aww, doggy snuggle time.

They revamped the song and added two more singers to it and released it today on the a morning show.

We used this intersection constantly when we lived in Beech Grove. It's going to be a great update! New roundabout!

Joining me for lunch.

Then he ran over or a hug.

New logo, new website!

Ok, little brother, let me show you how.

We purposefully used the Thomas bike so we could put the orange rock in it to take over to Nolan's house.

Nolan couldn't reach the rock on top of his mailbox so Abishai helped him.

Trying to tell Nolan about it, but it was hard to hear so we ventured closer. Cuties! Then Nolan wanted Abishai to ride bikes with him, but we had already left.

Nice milestone to reach, although a bittersweet one for me. BAF was a calling center job Jared had in college, so he worked during the summers and on break. He worked at the job more when he went to college at the north side campus of IWU during his sophomore year. He was in collections of vehicle loans. He loved all the fun names he saw and would write them down to send to me in our snail mail letters. The red truck he bought was from the repo lot. PEI/MCC will soon be just a blip in our story. It makes me so sad so I won't talk about it.

Giggling over farting and not being able to catch the truck. A game of cat and mouse.

Well, that was a good day. Saturday, Covid-19 day 44. Do you think I should keep counting until Jared is fully back in the office? I started counting when he came home (but Gary went back a few times for an hour or two at a time). I think that's what I will do. Or maybe until we reach Phase 5 of the Governor's plan and/or July 4th.

We had to get up and get going today because I needed to finish school with the kids in time to be outside for a bit while it was cool out. And then we were waiting for the Navy's/National Guard Blacksnakes to fly over. We did NOT get a good glimpse of them! My friends did and they live half a mile away! I got to watch their videos though. We did hear them, too. Then I quickly went inside to order my hoodie from the Somers in Alaska. Probably the most expensive thing I have bought but it's from Alaska and has their logo on it, and I should have taken a second glance in the sizing because she had carefully put measurements on the page and the medium is going to be a bit snug. It will be motivation to loose this weight for next year. It's supposed to fit snug as well. I hope I didn't make a mistake, but at the same time, at least it goes to them and their channel. It makes me happy.

After that, I had to redirect myself to figure out something else to be productive with. We did a load of laundry. And then I tackled the bottom and part of the top of my closet. We bought a new, bigger firesafe so we needed to see if we could get it in there. In the pictures you'll see I moved my shoes to an over the door shoe thing I put in Keturah's closet, then I put my sweaters and sweatshirts in the drawer my shoes were in, then I utilized the space on the top of the closet better, then I moved some things over from Jared's side of the closet, then I was able to make more room for his shoes and the lockbox. I got rid of three things in the process. It wasn't that kind of "get rid of things" project. Some of it was Abishai's keepsakes. Some stuff had to be put back up on shelves and/or distributed to the right places. I pulled a couple of office type things out of Jared's shelves in the closet and put them with his misc. office boxes so he would have room for his half dirty clothes in the closet like I do. I did leave out some pants and shorts that are too small for me that I have to jam back into one of my drawers. They are the next size down and did fit last year (or the year before) when I bought them. So I'm not getting rid of them.  I did not make the seasonal clothing switch yet and didn't mess with anything on hangers. I vacuumed and let things be. Done.

Justin spent the afternoon over at Gary and Leah's working. Benaiah spent the afternoon with Ava on the front lawn. And Jared spent the afternoon taking a nap on the couch. Keturah and Abishai had some screen time and are now watching the second to last Star Wars: Clone Wars episode in the entire series with Daddy. Jared did make dinner because I asked him to put something together after being frustrated last night having to babysit food when I just wanted to be outside. He made burgers on the grill, baked potatoes in the firepit (some didn't do so well but they others were delicious,) and some warm, softened (but not really grilled) veggies. I just had to assist with clean up which was minimal. I did get to lay down for a bit, though, and used the massage wand on my still sore legs. They were sore from the workout I did on Thursday. I'm going to have to do half of the reps that they do on the video. Sigh. I have to have patience or I'll be taking too many days off. I didn't walk today because my lower back and shoulder were still sore. But the massage wand helped. Yup, that's about it. The kids played inside and outside, mainly Keturah and Abishai, since Justin and Benaiah were both occupied. It was a quiet day in that respect.

From the e2 Instagram today.

Seriously?! The two lankiest "children" on the smallest couch we have. Buddies.

Don't swing me! But he did get up there himself. I've been lazy and haven't made him get dressed except for Sundays.

Squirrel! Literally! On the electricity line! Go get 'em, dog!

Long hair don't care.

Today's supposed flight path. I was for sure it would be right over our house. Maybe they cornered a bit differntly. We are right near the US 74 and green line meets. Sigh.

Woah! When did the gareden grow? At least the Moses' grass ones. Nice!

Ignore the straggly green space here. The weed eater quit on Justin before he got to that part.

This plant had a baby last year so I mulched around it.

Woah! This grass is on the sidewalk! The irises are doing ok. They might need more water. They haven't turned brown or anything but they haven't grown much either.

More Moses grass and the rose bush looks great!

Poor bush/tree! 2/3 of it had to be cut down. (There's a pine tree behind it).

Pitiful. But, at least the dead stuff is gone. AND it looks like we pulled up enough of the vine to stop it's growth for the moment. I'm sure we will have to go back and cut more. We just pulled, but I think maybe I'll go back and actually use shears to cut up the roots some more and smooth it out better. It would be best if we could turn it into grass.

These pictures are just of the beautiful blue sky we had today. It was 82 degrees with really breezy and perfect!

"I have to mow with my shirt off like other people do!" Um, our family doesn't, but the older gentlemen next door does. Oh, and that neighbor took down the fence between their house and their son's house which is right behind them in the next neighborhood! Nice! Easier to mow back and forth for sure. They were all outside this evening on the parents' back porch, which was great to see.

Photo credit goes to Charlie Caudill. But here's what the Blacksnakes looked like at his house.

 Here's my videos:

The workbench turned into the shipping office for e2.

Supplies of other books and things from the office Jared picked up last week. I'm glad it's temporary and don't mind it for now. Just as long as people CLOSE THE GARAGE DOOR at night. I went to bed at 12:30am last night and I'm so glad that I checked the garage. The light was on and the outside garage door was wide open glaring into the neighbor's house. Dudes, we have stuff that could be stolen out there! Plus the inside door isn't locked and we don't have a security system. Sigh. Praise God for His protection again. (It's not the first time this has happened. Because I'm the last to go to bed, it's become my job to lock the house down although Jared could do it before he went to bed.

Hot laundry! Great for napping on! And farting on! Abishai had himself in stitches!

Pretending to curl up like a baby and sleep on the clean laundry.

Keturah and Abishai started a game where Abishai threw his clean underwear at her and she didn't like it. So he kept doing it and he laughed hysterically at it! He's such an imp!

 Closets Before Video

These are the before pictures! Yes, this is about 2/3 of my shoes. And yes, they all fit on the hanging shoe thing except for two really nice pairs I left in the boxes. I kept the rest of the boxes in case this doesn't work out well.

Ignore the clothes hanging up. I worked on the top shelves and the bottom.

Box of keepsakes on the bottom, pile of sweatshirts and sweaters and half worn clothes and bottoms I don't fit into. And the old suitcase with some of my bags I keep.

I see some condensing I can do up here. Camera bag with other lens and filters I don't know how to use. Abishai mementos. My parents lockbox, sweatshirts, bags.

Jared's various half dirty clothes, suitcases, and shoes.

Blech. I hate this set up.

The top of his side which I didn't touch because he had actually done so himself and I didn't realize it. He had things somewhat categorized. I could tidy up the t-shirts but that wasn't the focus today.

I have half of Keturah's hanging space with my dresses and off season clothes. There was a bit of space so I hung this shoe thing, folded in half, in there. It's pretty heavy with all the shoes (I could fit some pairs into one slot, but I think it was meant for only one shoe per slot). And I'll do some perfecting of this when I do my clothes.

 Closets After Video

After: I put the suitcase behind the purple tub and turned it to the side so it takes up a little leftover space I had in there. The door bulges out a tiny bit though. Then I got one of Jared's grandfather's old weird electric guitars to fit where the suitcase was. I put the bag of luggage bags where the basket of sweaters were, and then my half dirty clothes go on top. I left ONLY the things I will this summer as far as pants and shorts that fit and cardigans I will wear in the closet on the shelves on the side.

I put all my misc. stuff on the top shelf, moved some stuff to a different room and now Jared can have the rest of the second shelf to spread out his clothes a bit. I wish I had some storage cubes to put in the bottom of his closet so I don't have to reach up there to put things away, but this will do for now.

I put all of his shoes (he only has two pairs of dress shoes, one pair of old basketball shoes, and three toe shoes that are stored in this closet) into his carryon bag to keep them contained for the moment. I think a cube or crate would work nice for that, too. And then our old lock box I slid in there because I know I can't lift the new one and bring it in by myself. I stood the other guitar upright and towards the middle and back. That dowel rod in the middle is something Jared rigged up when we moved in because I tend to overload closet rods and there was a holder missing for the pole. It has served well in keeping our things separate.

All of my pullover sweaters, old sweatshirts I don't wear but mean something to me, my winter leggings and stockings. I will probably add a sheet or something on top of this to keep the dust out. I have two drawers like this but only one fits under the bed. They were originally with the boys' first set of bunk beds, which is Keturah's loft bed. I still have the other drawer we can use if we change the beds in someone else's room.

Look at me, Mom! I'm on the scary swing and I can swing it all by myself! It's scary because it hits the tree. He asked how we got the chain so high and I just told him that Daddy climbed up the tree to put it there. Jared actually screwed pieces of some old skids (those rough 6x6 boards that you put a bunch of merch boxes on to transport them in a truck). Then he unscrewed them as he came down.

Nice set up for grilling meat.

There's some baked potatoes (covered in aluminum foil) in those ashes!

No, he isn't resting, he was climbing. I'm glad he's using it now.

Baked potatoes, hamburgers, and steamed veggies.

Uh, that doesn't look very appetizing. And it wasn't. We threw it out. Too many ashes got in the foil. The rest were fine.

Yeah! Benaiah's book boxes are finally gone! I don't mind this set of Alphabet books here because we'll be using them for Abishai's school. This corridor feels so empty now!

Keturah's been working on the puzzle all by herself. I haven't touched it since the first couple of days. She did the parts that I was going to do through. Whoops!

This thing is amazing! It's handheld in the palm of your hand and has only one knob, but it's perfect for me to handle. I used it on my glutes today and it was amazing!

I think Abishai put this chair here when he asked for it yesterday. That's exactly where it should go.

I'm keeping this side clear! That box will go as soon as I get a shipping label. I put the label maker that was where those books are, plus all the other junk I did keep on the other side of the desk. This is just one of my to do or active piles.

Active pile plus two piles of things that could be in storage but still kind of need them for various things (taxes) and projects that don't have an end date. But I'm fine with that. I don't use that end that much. The piles are MUCH smaller than they were before I worked on this project a couple of weeks ago.

Day 45, Sunday

I obviously woke up on the wrong side of the bed because I snapped over if bananas were too high in carbs or not. I don't care if a doctor is someone we know from other circles, I have been to 20 doctors in 20 years and have read books and books' worth of articles, websites, tried diets, had gestational diabetes and a dietician for it, I think I know more than you. But I looked it up anyway. Yes, bananas are high in carbs like all fruits, but they are also high in fiber that helps to contain the sugar spike. That's why when I feel a bit shaky and want a sustaining snack, I eat a banana. Bananas in moderation, or just half a banana, is absolutely fine for diabetics. And you are NOT diabetic or even pre diabetic when ONE test 6 years ago said you were. The test you took a few months ago was NOT a fasting one. My fasting blood sugars have been fine since Keturah's pregnancy and I did NOT have gestational diabetes with Abishai, despite having the same weight as Keturah's pregnancy. I think I know a bit about this stuff and counting carbs. Plus I've done the South Beach diet, the Whole 30 diet, and paleo and low carb diets.  I don't have any buy in with a new doctor until 3 or 4 visits in. Jared takes all of this to the extreme and life doesn't have to be that way. Speaking of, I put some seasoning on burgers a few days ago and forgot that the reason I hadn't tried it was because it had malt/barely in it. That's gluten. I don't eat gluten. So, I don't know how much that little bit affected me because I also worked out and was sore from that, but I'm sure it didn't help. So what? Ever have a cheat day or cheat meal? Do you listen to every single thing a doctor says? Apparently you do. But I don't. I can spot when a doctor is just spouting off doctrine they learned in regular med school or something so crazy on the other end. I've seen PCP's and osteopaths and naturopaths. I've seen physical therapists, chiropractors, massage therapists, and acupuncturists. I've changed my diet and changed it back again. And yes, I eat things I shouldn't to free up food for others, i.e. I eat pea protein, legumes, and beans instead of chicken or beef so that the rest of you who refused to consume it, can have other protein. I sacrifice for you. So, if you have to eat a strawberry banana blend of frozen fruit instead of a berry blend of frozen fruit because your daughter tried the bananas blend and we all agreed it tasted weird, then so be it! A few pieces of banana is going to do the same harm as the berry blend, the berry blend probably will do worse. Go look up the numbers of what a diabetic has to do to count carbs. Go get a glucometer. Yes, you feel it, maybe, I don't know. And even when you eat perfectly, like Bethany aka lilsipper, you still get sick or have bad health days. Besides, your uncles don't have diabetes just because their dad did. Your mother doesn't have diabetes. You let ONE test rule your life. Not I. I knew my sensitives and they made a lot of sense when I took the blood test for them. Gluten didn't show up as a sensitivity, and yet, I know, and have tested, that is is a trigger for pain. And my other sensitiveness can be felt in my gut, the dairy, eggs, and beans (including coffee, which some say the "bean" is the fruit, but either way, coffee kills my stomach. It's not the caffeine because tea is fine and pop is fine), which all showed up on the test. And all of this started my grumpy attack.

Oh, it just triggered me but I was already unhappy about how he was pushing me around about getting ready for church on time. And last night, he talked about my weight again. Don't you think I'm trying to fix it? He doesn't know that I spent another $180 on yet another workout/supplement program. I will cancel the supplements because it's pea protein, but I wanted the workouts and accountability. Sure I know how to find free ones and such, but I need motivation. I need someone to report to. And then taking my measurements and weighing myself (at the end of the day when I usually do it in the morning) and finding out a weigh even heavier than I did two weeks ago is devastating. While he eats next to nothing, eats all the vegetables because he refuses to eat cheap bread with yeast, or simple filling things like bananas, and has lost a ton of weight. Good on you for being disciplined. You're wasting away not gaining muscle, too, or losing it through exercise. So, of  course I was mad.

And I know the sermon was going to be the 2nd part about anxiety. And yes, it had all the regular "take thoughts captive" mantra that I try to teach the kids but it never acknowledges that as humans we need to sit with our thoughts and emotions for more than half a second. We can't turn them off like that without a ton of training. And some of us are still trying to FEEL those feelings BECAUSE we were expected to turn them off on a dime or we weren't being good little Christians. It's taking me years of counseling and thousands of $$ to work on that. So, fine, yes, eventually we need to "take thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ" and "rejoice in the Lord (who He is) even when life sucks), but don't ask me to do that in that very moment. I can button up my lips for a few minutes until I can run away, scream, and gain my composure. Then I can unpack it later, but I must unpack it later. I can't go from "I am so pissed right now" to "I praise you God and it's ok, I'm not pissed anymore." in a heartbeat. We don't know how long it took King David to write a Psalm. It could have been days in between the first verse and the last verse. It could have been minutes. So why do we expect ourselves to be that way? I can't be. I've tried and all I've done is stuffed those emotions and thoughts down instead of dealing with them. I was a Pollyanna and learned how to not feel my feelings. So when they started emerging during my Mother's battle with cancer and beyond, especially when we were booted out of Canada, I couldn't control them either. "Just write down 3 things you are thankful for if you're made. Write down three things to praise God for while you are suffering." Ok, good for you if that works for you. It hasn't worked for me. I guess I have a hard heart.

And so, as Jared told me to do, I put myself in time out and went outside and read. I watered the garden. I made supper. I tried a yoga workout. And I'm still mad. Some days the claws are out in full force. Deal with it. I deal with everyone else's claws. I have feelings too. And some days I can't control them. So go away until I can.

They all spent time on screens instead of outside on this gorgeous day. Whatever. I wasn't going to pick that fight today. I wonder why we even take are of our yard if our kids aren't going to use it. What's the point? We could have a much smaller yard and still enjoy it. It doesn't make sense to me to stay inside all day if you have nothing to do. I have chores and projects. If I want to be outside, I have to ignore those chores and projects. Kids don't have to worry about that. Then they had their first virtual "Crave" with their own worship, fun stuff, and guest speaker, Jayson French, the President of CIY. Yes, that's right, the President of CIY spoke to OUR youth group. Fun times! But Keturah couldn't tell me anything about what he said except it was on David and Goliath. Benaiah said he didn't like it because it felt too "young" or meant for the younger crowd (that's because everyone is younger than you in spiritual maturity and age, welcome to the club). Justin didn't say anything about it. What I saw was a video of some quick doorbell ringing and dashing, something about TikTok videos, and some worship. Lots of "Hi, I'm glad you're here." of course, too. A game you can do at home. I guess it's good enough. They will skip next week because of Mother's Day. Don't even get me started on that. I'm sure I'm not getting anything and I'll be mad about it. I'll throw my own Mother's Day party, ok? Ok.

Ugh, and why can't the kid be clear. He lied and said someone was talking about me behind my back like "Why did you mother post that?" kind of stuff. Nothing irks me more than someone doing that to me after someone did that while we were in Canada and said a normal "husband bashing" comment on Facebook that 99% of people would agree with, after I hadn't said anything negative about him in years. But they went to him and told him instead of coming to me. It irks me so much! So don't lie to me and tell me someone did that. Do you how much I think about what I'm posting and how? Either on the blog or on Instagram or on Facebook? I like to spew my opinion. And I'm allowed to. And I've alienated people. Sometimes I'm ok with that. Sometimes I'm more careful and level headed. It's social media. Get over it. I can't be perfect in the public eye so why try. Quit following me if you don't like me. Or read everything I post because I guarantee you that at least half is emotionally neutral and not on a hot topic. Half are reposts or retweets or sharing someone else's Instagram story, but whatever.

And that's how I feel today. That's what I did today. That's what the kids did today. I still feel grouchy and upset and I don't even care why I am. I just want to be left alone until I'm better. And I will never listen to a sermon on anxiety again. Never. I'll go do something else if I have the choice. I'll get up and go to the bathroom and play on my phone or something or have a conversation with someone else. Being worried about a very worrisome situation is different than diagnosed anxiety. Speak to the masses about worry, but don't expect to be talking me about anxiety unless you've been there. Worried about your child's health or grades is different than being stuck in anxiety and depression and wanting to get out but you can't. Gary, Dan, or whoever, I will stick to talking to be my counselor about it and no one else. The tricks of the trade that work for 95% of people haven't worked with me. I've tried. I wrote lists of 1,000 gifts. I've wrote journal entries and tried to turn my thoughts into something positive. But when I'm in my deepest darkest moments, those things don't work. And if they did work, would I really still be where I'm at today? Probably not. This goes way deeper. It's not that simple. "Taking captive your thoughts" is much more complicated than you preach about.

Today was not a good day for me. And sometimes, days are like that.

I had hid the basket behind my desk because it's nice to have something to sort things into or hold stuff when you are cleaning out an area, etc. But, little man got a hold of it and started toting around his friends.

Abishai made all these cars himself. Baby genius. He's 5!

Awww, hopefully Benaiah's turn will be soon.

Dinosaury needed to be rocked.

I went to water the flowers because I thought the leaves didn't look green enough and I didn't see any buds the other day. Well, there's buds now!

Why are the weeds always so pretty? The yard needs cleaned up because the trimmer quit working halfway through on Friday. Plus, kids and husbands don't care what the hidden parts of the yard looks like. Drives me crazy.

At least Jared can jump on trampoline now.

Big brother giving little brother lawn care tips. Benaiah eventually learned to do it after a year or two. Justin's had three years and still doesn't understand it. But then it was supper time and it rained so it still didn't get done. I think the yard needs mowed again Monday or Tuesday to get rid of the weeds that have now turned to pollen.

Playing on the scary swing.

Dinner was chicken cooked in broth I save from previous weeks. Then I shred it up and added canned carrots, canned green beans, fresh spinach, quinoa and basmati rice. I didn't realize the rice would take so long to cook in the crockpot so we barely finished eating in time for Crave. Oh, and I added a can of unsweetened coconut milk that showed up in our pile of cans kind of randomly. I know I bought it but someone moved it from another shelf. It made the soap creamier. The soup is now a casserole consistency because the rice soaked up the rest of the water before I put it away. I added salt, pepper, and parsley. I should have added a lot more spices. It was a bit bland. This is what I call pantry soup.

Scaring Keturah although she knew we were out there.

The End