Year 6, July 31st - August 1st, 2021: Half Way Done

 Is the year truly half way over now? Wow! What in the world?! Ok then. It's quiet now. It was an ok day. Park day today was at the Jake Greene Park, the park right next to the condo where we lived for the first year when we came back from Canada. The coordinator for our group asked for my opinion when we decided to switch parks this week because of construction at the original park location and I asked if I could be a little selfish and go to Jake Greene because we were supposed to go there two weeks ago and got rained out. I really wanted to get a few pictures of Abishai because hadn't been there in a few years. I think we had visited there maybe once since we had left. It was fun to be there. I didn't have moments specifically in mind to recreate, especially since Benaiah and Keturah weren't there, but I did get a few photos and videos. I tried to find some old photos on Facebook and on the blog, but ended up just wasting a bunch of data. I should have done that on my computer last night. But, as usual, I was behind and binge watched my show until 2am which probably contributed to what happened later today.

It was beautiful weather at the park today, not too hot yet, maybe 75 degrees, and I wore my longer pants so I could cover up the bandaids on my legs covering my boo-boos from yesterday. Yes, I'm calling them my boo-boos. I don't think I mentioned them in detail yesterday, but I'll share here a bit more because I took photos of them this morning when I took off the original dressings and redressed them. The first one under my right knee, I asked for the dermatologist to take off because it was raised significantly and just in my way and I was going to eventually pick it open. It was just a scar of some sort, not angry or anything, so the skin underneath it looks normal, pink and healthy. I'm hoping it heals just like the one a couple of inches below it, perfectly smooth and even indented ever so slightly and not bothersome at all. It hurts now and is of course slightly itchy, but it looks good. But then, the other one that the dermatologist thought looked angry and suspicious looked worse than I thought it would. And now when I took off the bandage I had on it, it looks red and even more angry. This morning it looked black and blue and extended past the scraping. It looks unhealthy, scary, and that it goes much deeper. It's also much closer to the back of my knee joint than I keep thinking it is. And if they have to remove more of it, and the incision is as big as my arm one is, it's going to be awfully close to tendons and things. And now it's just plain red and mad. I was trying to be brave girl and tell myself another surgery isn't a big deal, we'll deal with a little differently this time, we'll get antibiotics right away, we won't leave the state on vacation, I won't have a student stitch me up, etc. But then, I had another tough conversation today with someone, like I did yesterday, and it went ok, but it then triggered the emotional volcano to overflow again. Woah, buddy. It was BAD. Like, was I have a panic attack bad? I texted Jared after I could see again, and apologized and said, I can't leave the house again tonight. I just can't. I'm undone and here's why. I looked up panic attack, and it wasn't that. I don't get all those symptoms. It's just severe anxiety and heavy emotions that I'm not used to. And I hate it. I hate that I get to these points with my social anxiety and I just can't handle going out again. I wanted to try hard for Jared's sake because he kindly asked me to go and he's been so incredibly good to me all week and he went and got milk and my meds for me for me tonight and I just couldn't do it. This isn't who I was 20 years ago. But it's who I've become. And I hate it. I wish I could get better, not worse with it. But this week has been especially bad, so I asked to stay home, type this up, get ahead on as much as I could and go to bed early with him. So back to the wounds. It's because of the suspicious one that I was triggered. It's not ok. I'm not ok with it. Again. Maybe it's not as shocking as getting the news the first time, because I don't even have the news yet, but just the anxiety and prospect that it could be that again or maybe worse, the fear of the unknown, gripped me like nothing else this time because I KNOW how bad that was. I can't do it again. I don't want to do it again. It's not funny. It's not JUST skin cancer. It IS or COULD BE skin CANCER. And it's still a procedure and procedures hurt, whether big or small, it doesn't matter. And I can only be brave for so long and I'm so exhausted that putting this on top of everything else just tips the iceberg right over and I'm undone.

Once I composed myself enough to make coffee and sit at my computer for an hour to complete yesterday's blog and clean up a bit of email, I felt more like myself. I had the kids get out supper and I was able to eat a full meal. I've been having trouble eating because I'm so tired, I don't even want to prepare or chew anything. Grandma had brought over some Wendy's maple biscuit sandwhiches, so the kids' got a treat. And they divided up some vegetables for themselves while I fought the internet on my computer. After I was a little bit productive, I felt much better that I hadn't wasted the afternoon. I got myself back under control. I stilled bowed out of going to the movie at the Smith's house so I would remain calm and get even more done before tomorrow hopefully and get to bed. I'll work more tomorrow on some side projects, rest fully on Sunday, and start over on Monday. On Monday, it's nothing but books. Johnson Homeschool is the focus. Nothing else matters. Not Covid. Not masks. Not answering homeschool questions on other groups that aren't IAHE groups. Johnson Homeschool. That's it. And Johnson summer playtime. Because poor Abishai. He needs his mama. And his mama needs him. He didn't get his mama this week. And now his mama has mama guilt. We will fix that. He's a very forgiving kid. And another reason I homeschool is that it forces me to focus on the kids. I can't ignore them. Oh my babies. I was looking for a photo of Keturah with a cow at the PEI Old Home Week fair and saw all kinds of photos from 9 years ago and all my loves were such tiny kids. Goodness! So sweet! Time flies! And then Benaiah just stopped by dropping something off and asked what the big deal was this week that Jared gave me, and I showed him the ring, and he started talking about how he was looking at some white emerald and how it looks just like diamonds and only professionals can tell the difference but it's much cheaper. I don't know how long ago he was looking at it, but I tell ya, just like his Dad before him, he knows, marriage comes first, whether a year or 5 years from now. It's in the back of his mind. He's my most forward thinking kid. I wouldn't call him a dreamer necessarily, but he knows the order of things. 

What else for the day? Well, I thought we had gotten a denial letter again from Community, but it was actually an approval letter for 100% financial aid for 6 months starting with bills dated June 22nd, 2021 and following. Which means, I still have almost $500 worth of bills I owe them. Blech. I'm still not sure if I want to stay with them, go back to Barrington, or try somewhere else. I have the weekend to think on that. We also got the Medicaid approval letters for the kids today, so that was more welcome news. Now I can our Access Pass done and head to the Children's Museum and use it at the Art Museum, etc. Yeah! Praise the Lord! Now, do I pay for tickets to things for these field trips I signed up for using the Access Pass, which sometimes means I need to go the museum in person, or do I just pay for the discounted field trip price and forgo the really cheap Access price? Hm,....Anyway, I have it, that's all I care about. I'm happy for another year. Finally. I hate this paperwork stuff with a passion. But whatever. Better me than Jared. This is how I earn my diamond and my food and my toys and my sweets around here. I can't imagine Jared trying to do it and him losing the paperwork or being late on it. Oi! Nope! I can barely get him to sign something sometimes. No offense, but I have been doing this for 20 years. It's how we work best. That's why sometimes, I hope I live longer than he does because I can't imagine him taking over the paperwork. Eek. And I hope maybe, just maybe Aaron takes care of Gary and Leah's paperwork. We actually talked about that on our dinner out the other night. I reiterated again that I am not touching their affairs with a 10 ft pole. I did both of my parents, and I was more than happy to because I was right here and I know how to do paperwork, but it's no longer my turn. I'm staying out of it. Ask me my opinion, sure, but I'm not filing anything or making phone calls. Gary has it all organized and someone else is the chief executor anyways. And we won't fight over things. It's just the 4 of us anyways. But who knows between now and then, right? It's all those end of life kind of things that's even harder than the actual funeral stuff and getting rid of stuff. Trust me. Anyways, we probably should touch on it next time we are altogether. And then Jared and I talked about ours and how Benaiah is technically old enough to take care of his siblings legally and Justin is almost old enough to be on his own, too. It's really just Abishai we would have to worry about and no, I don't want him in public school, but Jared doesn't trust any of my friends, yada yada, and that's where we stopped in the conversation and saved it for another day. We probably still won't update it for awhile anyway. We just don't have any mutual friends to replace who we have in there right now. I would hope Benaiah would be willing, but there's no guarantee. Gary and Leah are still in good health, but we didn't know that 18 years ago and didn't want to burden them then, but I think it might be possible now. Again, I don't know. Tough call. I know who I absolutely do not want to be in charge and that's the biggest problem.

Ok, end with a happy note. Happy note, happy note. I have bling on my finger. And that's all the bling I have ever wanted or needed. Just my diamond. My simple engagement diamond. And now, it's just Grandma Donna Johnson's 70 year old simple engagement diamond. Diamonds are forever. I'm scared I'm going to loose it. So it's going to take me awhile to get used to it. But I probably won't take it off that often. It's only when I took it off that I lost it anyway. I did take it off if I was mixing something by hand in the kitchen. But for ordinary things like washing dishes, I didn't take it off. I would sometimes wear gloves. I haven't decided if I'm going to get the two rings sautered together or not yet. I put the engagement part closer to my hand and the marriage band on the outside for now. They do slide around when I'm not bloated but if I got them sized down, they would not go over my knuckle at all, especially when I'm bloated and have water weight. So for now, we will just leave them alone. So precious. So special. What a connection Jared and I have to Grandma and Grandpa Johnson and I barely new them. We got our start in life because of their passing. My first car, our first furniture, jewelry, dishes, doilies, my favorite nursing chair, Grandma and I are/were both petite, ah, lots to remember them by. And that's what I love. Legacy.

It was hard getting photos of the suspicious mole biopsy site because of the angle and lighting, but it is just a circle and scraping like the others were. The dots are from the injection of lidocaine. See how dark in the middle this guy is? And the bit of bruising on the side?

This is the scar leftover from another biopsy site from 18 months-2years ago. I hope that the site I asked the dermatologist to take off looks like this when it heals. It's actually very smooth, a little indented and doesn't bother me at all.

See how healthy that scab/scar area looks? It was just bothering me because it was so raised up like the keloid on my arm. I just needed it knocked down before I tried to cut it off myself. This is how healthy skin should look (at least I think so) under the first couple of layers.

Weird stretched angle, but again, doesn't this look very bad to you? Scary even? I'm so glad she went and took it for biopsy. I'm sure she's looked it at least half a dozen times in my whole body checks the last 3 years. But that's why we do them. Sometimes these things sit and sit and are fine and then all of sudden, they change. Or maybe they were overlooked, especially on people like me who have so many. This does not look good at all.

Abishai looks huge on this thing! Let's see, when we moved into the condo, Keturah was 8, Justin was 11, Benaiah was 14, and Abishai was 1 1/2, so he was just crawling around on the bottom of this thing. Now he can use his body weight to make the smaller gyrosphere move while the big one spins.

And woah, the muscles on this boy! Time for gymnastics? He was swinging like crazy! And then he asked me to help him get his feet up and over the bar so he could hang by his knees. We tried that and then he got scared so he didn't try again. Maybe next time we go to Wolf Run with Daddy we'll do it again. He's so strong!

Looking out over the field towards where our condo is/was. I wanted him to get in one of the baby swings so I could have a photo to compare with later once I found it, but he wouldn't.

I might find one of him in this one though. Look at those long lean legs!

Lots of kids now.

It was almost time to go, and these two were sparring. The big guy is one of the Kiefer boys and he knows how to play gently with the little guys. So I was watching these two gently punching each other and just a few feet the other way, some 10 yr old girls were hugging each other begging to ride in each other's cars to go to a restaurant together for lunch. That's yes, boys and girls, I tell ya. God created them male and female. I'm sorry, but really, I'm not. Boys wrestle and compete naturally and then maybe handshake and hug to show love. Girls nurture and hug to show love. It's just the natural order of things the way God intended it to be. Why does man have to go and destroy this? If you leave it alone, this is what they do. They really, really do it this way. You can't drill it into them. They naturally go this way. I've had dolls in the house since Keturah was born, and yet, Abishai went for the cars. I've had cars in the house since Keturah was born, and while she didn't go for the cars, she didn't take fully to dolls either, she was in between. And yet, she doesn't identify has a Lesbian either. Ok? Male and Female. End of story.

Michael's event coordinator shared that he got to have a first listen to some of the new album today and was going to make us jealous by sharing that fact so we all said we were counting down to the album and I shared the actual countdown and then I realized, yup, that's a very short turnaround now. 41 days. Phew!

"I'm running race, and my wife and kids are watching me!"

"Mom, I'm running my races, and my wife and my kids are watching me! I'm going to win!" And then he raced around the living in a circle, "hurdling" over the dog's paws, and then diving over the finish line. Hilarious!

I went to find a photo of Old Home Week on PEI and found some pics of Justin's 7th birthday. I only saved these two to my camera roll though. Aww, 7 year old Justin and little Maddie Abbot with Nicolas Dickieson and Ethan Ross, and Keturah. All of these, and I mean all of them, are taller than me now. My precious ones.

Similar folks, but you add in Maddie's youngest brother, oh, um, anyway, and the bright blondie is Matteo standing next to his mom, Emily. Oh my how I miss all of these guys so much! My best friends! I can't even barely look at these without crying. Still. We left these precious souls behind 5 years ago. My life will never be the same. Precious, previous people.

Oh my word. So I put on this waterproof bandage because it's all I had in the right size this morning after I took that first photo and I guess they don't "breathe" that well, right? Look at how "angry" the biopsied site got. I didn't go and clean it out yet. I'm just letting it air out while I'm typing. I'm only allowed to put vaseline on it and another bandage. I'm guessing some dirt got in or some of the sticky substance from the bandage because it kind of had rolled up on itself, that's what the black crud is, so I'm not worried about that, but it got really really red. It takes about 2-4 weeks for these things to heal, unless you're back in there digging them out some more. That's when I really paid attention to where the spot is and measured how close it is to the back of my knee. Not good guys, not good.

The black spot is just bandage goop, but this looks like it should at this stage, so although it, too didn't get any air, at least it didn't get too angry today. I'm pleased with it. The bandage stayed in place better because it was a flatter spot. I did keep saying, "owie" every time I hit them on something today. They are tender, but I'm avoiding pain meds because I took them too many days in a row this week. I'm not supposed to do that because I'm trying to avoid getting rebound headaches. I'm fine as long as I'm not bumping into them or laying on them too hard. But they do hurt, as they should, and again, when you add that to multiple other hurts, physical or mental or emotional, the stack starts to topple. It's going to be a long 10 business days waiting for that phone call for the test results. Hopefully, I can calm down now and distract myself a bit and surrender the results to God. It's just skin cancer. But it's cancer. It's just a little procedure. But it's still a procedure with bandages and healing time and itchiness and I have things to do. At least you're not on your death bed. I don't know that yet. Oh yes, the mind of an anxiety driven person. It's always a party up there in my brain. Poor Jared doesn't know what to do with me half of the time. But he remains loyal to me. And we have new wedding rings on our fingers to prove it. And that, my friends, actually really, really thrills me.

Well, today was better than yesterday, but it wasn't 100% all better either. I guess that leaves tomorrow for things to be even better, right? I didn't make anyone mad at least. But there were still some tears from me. My boo-boos hurt, my shins hurt from restless legs, but head hurts because I'm avoiding any pain medication so I don't get rebound headaches, I had to help haul groceries, so my back hurts, my heels hurt just because they can, and my biggest pet peeve of them all, that I have to continue working while the rest of the them get to seemingly sit and lounge and be idle all day while I'm at a level 8 pain level happened today, thus the tears. It's going to take awhile for Jared's "level 1, intermittent" pain level to not echo in my head and make me so mad. So what kind of pain level puts him to bed with an ice pack then? Or makes him sound the alarm because he's got sharp pain tingling up and down his body because he tripped over a cord? A 2? A 3? Even if it's an 8, I'd still say, well, try living with that for 12 years and see how you handle your feelings and your tears every day. And I'm still shaking my head at the doctor's advice about not twisting and turning the wrong way or climbing tall ladders for life. Uh, so you rely on everybody else to risk their lives and bodies to do that for you and you live safely on the ground? It's sound advice but it's certainly not practical. It's like telling someone to never eat sugar again. It's never going to happen. Moderation, not total elimination. 

Anyway, I did skip the melatonin and TV shows last night, went to bed at 12:15 and we slept in until 8. Well, I woke up around 7, but at least I got more sleep in one chunk than I had all week. It made a dent in my sleep deprivation, but I went at it too fast, too hard today and came to a grinding halt and in tears by 4pm today after grocery shopping.  I wish the other two kids had come with us, but they were supposed to be helping Grandma with freezer jam and Andrew with mowing. Anyway, then I laid down and cried while Jared iced his back. Everybody did their screen time. Jared got up to make pizza and then I had to finish up laundry, supper clean up, and everything else I hadn't finished and still didn't get a shower down. I haven't showered since Tuesday. Gross. Yes. Tuesday. Because I run out of time and energy to take one. Energy. Fibromyalgia. Spoons. It takes energy to hyperventilate and cry in pain and to take a shower. You have to pick one or the other. And sometimes emotions win. So you skip the shower. Gross. But time runs out. And I cannot literally hold my arms up to wash my hair. It's just the way it is. The others got their showers, but with a lot of protest of course. I'm even too tired to take photos because not much is happeneing at home.

It was a gorgeous day outside but I didn't take advantage of it. Abishai and Daddy swung three times outside. I think Jared did some spraying of weeds perhaps. Oh, the good news of the day was that late last night, I discovered that Community back dated the financial aid to the beginning of my treatment with them, so everything was covered 100%. Yeah! We don't owe them a single penny! Now I have to decide if I stay or if I go. We'll see.

I think I did catch up on my video games today, but I didn't get to listen to any videos or my Bible yet and it's 10pm. I found out that my printer problem is that it doesn't print any color that needs Cyan in it. So, I don't know if I have to back and clean out that particular hole or what. It should be the same amount as the rest of the cartridge. I don't know. We'll see. I need to have a printer that works for school! Ok, I'm fading fast. I don't know what else. 

Abishai was happy Daddy was home and they played with Abishai's Mandolorian set as promised. They didin't go to the working store as promised.  Oh well. I didn't go back to get different bandaids, so I'll make do with what I got for now and try again tomorrow. That's all I can do, right? I'm too tired to fight anyone. I just want some dessert, and some movie time. Good night.

Freezer jam with Grandma

Just read Jared's comment. Ironman and his daughter say to each other, "I love you, 3,000 (percent)." so that's what Abishai likes to play sometimes. "Gets me too much" means tickles and wrestling.

A boy and his dog.

I can't wait to have our IAHE annual picnic here! Less than 45 minutes from our house! Woot! Woot! In MY region! There's an advantage to being in the central region!

Grandma's other project with Keturah.

Jared's new ring is only a little bit bigger than my middle finger. He says it's a tiny bit too tight. And yes, it's almost exactly like his original one.

Here's a close up. I like the simple band myself as well. It matches the simple one I've been wearing that belonged to my parents.

My boo-boo's update. Left thigh for the biopsy. Less purple and dark today, but still different than the right one that is under my knee.

Right one under my knee that is healthy skin. Both still itch and hurt of course as they heal and scab and scar.

Well, another rough night for me. I ate too much chocolate last night and almost threw up about 1 hr into sleeping, so I ended up on the couch again. But, I did sleep through the night after that, just needed to keep my head elevated. So not taking melatonin is part of the solution. Now, I just need to eat any yummies a lot sooner than I did last night. So, I'm feeling a bit more human again, so that's good. I took a nice, long, hot shower today and took my time. I got through a bunch of chapters of listening to Daniel again, lol, that's how I knew it was a long shower! Lol. 

Church was good. Three baptisms, good song set, although Benaiah said there was a lot of technical difficulties again, and sermon was alright. It was a back and forth interview type of Dan and his father in law. His father in law is self spoken, off the cuff, not a dynamic speaker, so it made it a bit tough on the tech crew. He had some decent things to say, but he's not a megachurch preacher. Just a humble Kentucky small church preacher. Yes, raised 5 kids well, started a school, has taken care of many congregations and has taught Dan a lot of things. And yes, lots of things to share with parents of all stages. But nothing much more than I've heard before, or read in a book, or seen in a magazine or blog, or on social media, or heard at a homeschool conference (which usually has a lot of parenting advice naturally). I'm sure Jared may or may not have heard of all those points and certainly a lot of the younger families haven't. I had to pick them up from somewhere, starting with MOPS and mentoring older adults, so I'm glad they have been doing this series because there are a lot of younger famlies that need to hear that.  They also had a parenting panel this evening and I didn't go because I find those aren't always helpful and again, I've heard a lot of the same advice from all over the place. I wish we didn't need formalize this kind of parent training because it should come naturally that older couples mentor the younger people, but it doesn't. Same in the homeschool community. And that's where I do my mentoring. Dan's father in law talked about joining God in where he is already working and filtering every major decision through a family commitment to doing Kingdom work. Yes, I've had something similar in my head for years. Most families won't deal with that, but it's a nice sentiment. Jared won't. I've tried to settle on some goals for the kids for the year, that includes academics, and mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. And that's why I don't' want to start the school year without a better plan in place.

Speaking of, Gary was asking about the start of school and I had to remind of that, as well as that it's ok that Abishai is where is in reading same as what the authors were doing, writing. We'll play it be ear. I know Everly was getting started soon because she has prereading for CC. Gary remembers Benaiah memorizing the books of the Bible at age 6 and that's because I had him memorize them orally, but little guys can't read all the names for certain at that time, so we work on it orally. And I've done the rest of what I can. Anyway, the girls got the guinea pigs out to the climate controlled shed and now the 2nd bedroom will come a bedroom again.  Everybody keeps working toward a goal already. So, we've got that one figured out a a bit. 

Ok, falling asleep here. Need to stop. I had a glorious nap with Jared, but it still wasn't enough. Monday is a stay home day, so hopefully we'll get a head start for the rest week. That would be a great!

TWO INCHES! Come on, DAD, and BOY! You can move your dishes two inches lower and into the dish waster now. It will not explode with lightning.

Time to drop off our tithe at church. Keturah let us put her tithe in there as well. This goes to help pay for our sponsor kids, Stacie and Messi

Middle school still has worship in the mornings and then High School Crave will start mid August. But small groups don't officially start for both until September.

Keutrah is tired because she helped lead worship in KP. Actually, this isn't Keturah in the pic. I thought it was her. She did try to go into the preschool room, but she was redirected to the elementary room at the last minute, lol.

(Original text: The wonderful announcement guy this morning took my advice and included the homeschoolsers.) What it should say: Chad Monahan, who did announcements today, included homeschoolers when he asked for teachers, staff, and homeschool parents to stand up today so they could be recognized and prayed over. I almost cried. I'm pretty sure I had emailed him or messaged him last year about this specifically or one of the other staff members about being included. Jared didn't stand up, but he really should have because homeschoolers consider the dads to be part of the team, too. But he held my hand during the prayer at least. It felt really good to be finally recognized. I messaged Chad through Instagram (it's where we usually message each other) and thanked him for his inclusion because people need to know when they've done a meaningful thing and it helps them to do it again in the future. I really liked how they also had the cookies at church instead of at the schools that it included everyone, including us homeschoolers. Even Paige remembered and told me I could have one. We found Keturah helping to hand them out! Sweet! Abishai ended up being the one to eat it though.

(Original text I wrote: Justin said only he showed up to help serve. The rest of his group was getting ready for the 1st day of school tomorrow.) Justin's group was invited to help out at the parenting forum at church for the evening. He was the only one who had time to help because the rest of them had last minute things to do to get ready for their first day of school the next morning. The parenting forum was the Caldwells, Keren's parents, and Keven Hart and his wife. I bet it was actually super fun with the Caldwell's and the Hart's in the mix and I do look up to all of them, I'm sure, but I figure most of it would have been repetitive. Justin was to help serve lemonade and I don't know what else. He basically got to listen to 90 minutes of why we parents do what we do, lol. Poor guy. But at least we as parents got to tick mark off one thing that Keren's dad had mentioned in this morning's message, something to do with giving our kids opportunities to serve or leaving room for us and them to Kingdom Work or asking the question, "Does this fulfill our family's commitment to God's work?" etc. etc. And the answer is yes. Because we homeschool, we have the opportunity to jump in without worrying about the consequences of it affecting the next day. Same for when the kids have gone down and helped the staff with putting together the Christmas at the Creek boxes. Whatever needs done, they can go and do. Just like whenever the church doors were open when I was growing up, it seems like my siblings and I were there for whatever reasons, piano lessons, choir, dance lessons, youth group, Sunday school, events, regular church service, etc. Church is our jam. Yuppers.

I kind of like how this pyramid shows how everything is interconnected. It's what it feels like when I keep having to go back to check if the drugs I take are appropriate or not. 

 

 P.S. I had to go back and edit this blog. I was half asleep and nothing bad sense. Let's see if you can read it better now.

The End